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Loading ...Corvino: Coming out advice
One of the best bits of advice I ever received while coming out was from a nun.
That’s right—a Catholic nun. Not even a lesbian nun, as far as I can gather. Sr. Julie was one of my theology professors in college, and she was one of the first people I confided in after busting open the closet door.She had the sort of reassuring demeanor that inspired confidence, in both senses of that term: I shared secrets with her, and her support emboldened me. Looking back, I suspect that some of my candor was excessive, but Julie never let on if it bothered her.
The advice in question regarded a crush I had on a straight neighbor named Neil. I had a penchant for crushes on straight guys then—probably because I knew so few gay ones.
Hoping to see more of him, I would ride my bicycle repeatedly up and down his street so that I might “accidentally” catch him venturing outside to fetch the mail.
I would write about him in my journal at night, and my heart would leap every time he would call—which was never often enough.
When I did get to spend time with him, I would fret for days beforehand about what to wear, how my hair looked, etc.—things that I knew he never noticed, or cared about.
In short, I was a 20-year-old behaving like a 12-year-old—and a pretty desperate one at that.
I knew how silly I was acting, and in fact I was quite ashamed of it—though apparently not too ashamed to tell Sr. Julie.
“Julie,” I fretted, “I’m a college student—an adult!—and I’m acting like an adolescent.”
She looked at me with her serene eyes and said firmly, “But you are an adolescent…”
“No,” I interrupted—I mean I’m acting like I’m in Junior High.”
“Of course,” she explained gently. “Because, when it comes to dating, that’s precisely where you are. In Junior High, when your straight friends were all dating, what were you doing? Keeping to yourself. You never had those adolescent experiences that others did. They’re silly, sure, but they’re part of the process. You’re just starting out. So be patient with yourself.”
It was one of those “lightbulb moments”: You’re new to this; be patient with yourself.
I had only been out about a year, without any real dating experience, and yet I was beating myself up for failing to handle my crush like an “adult.” (Eventually I would learn that even adults don’t necessarily handle their crushes like adults.)
Then Sr. Julie sang “Climb Every Mountain” and sent me on my way.
Okay, I made that last part up. But the rest of the story is true, and the exchange has stuck with me for two decades.
I should mention that it came as no surprise to me that a Catholic nun could give such good relationship advice—to a gay guy, no less. The priests, nuns and brothers I knew in college were sensitive, humane individuals. It saddens me that, in the minds of the public, their humanity is often eclipsed by the misdeeds of the hierarchy.
Still, even though I no longer share their Catholic faith, I carry their lessons with me.
I remember Julie’s insight, for example, each time a young gay person comes to me for relationship advice. “You’re new to this; be patient with yourself,” I tell them.
I remember it, too, when I reflect on the various ways in which homophobia harms people. It is difficult to exaggerate the enduring damage done by robbing youth of key formative experiences. And while I’m grateful that more gay youth today can experience their adolescent growing pains alongside their straight peers, we still have a long way to go.
And I remember it when, even now, I notice myself replaying the scripts learned in Junior High. It’s not just about romantic life—though I sometimes suspect that, contra Freud, it’s really 7th grade that holds the key to one’s sexual psyche. It is, rather, a more general insecurity, a nagging doubt: “Will they really like me?” followed by the vestigial coda, “But what if they knew my secret?”
It is no longer a secret, of course. I’m an out gay man happily in an eight-year relationship. Neil is a distant memory. Sr. Julie, whom I have not spoken to in decades, is now a high-ranking university administrator. I owe her a thank-you.
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John Corvino, Ph.D. is an author, speaker, and philosophy professor at Wayne State University in Detroit. His column “The Gay Moralist” appears Fridays on 365gay.com.
For more about John Corvino, or to see clips from his “What’s Morally Wrong with Homosexuality?” DVD, visit www.johncorvino.com.
I think she made a great point (as did you). I guess in a way…it’s very reassuring, well, I’m only 15, a gay as of 2 years now. It’s tough going through high school like this. but I can say that one of my teachers has helped very much, he is also gay, and always gives me advice.
John,
You told a story that explained the revelation that I had a few months ago. I have been out almost as long as you describe. I am about the same age.
The youth of today have a better chance than we did at their age and we had it better than those that came before us.
Thankfully there were a few good people like that for you.
Hopefully we can be there for those that continue to come after us.
I feel the same way about my coming out experience, John. I feel I never got to go through that vital, developmental, emotional stage of in adolescence. I didn’t come out until I was 24 years old. I’m 27 now, so all of those lessons, I’ve had to learn myself. Brutally at times. There’s still so much I have to learn as well. Having a support system sure helps, though. Without that, I’d be up the creek! Thanks for your post, it helps me feel not as alone in my experience
You admit that you owe Sister Julie a thank you, but did you send it?
A Roman Catholic nun, Sister Rita, moved me from being anti-abortion to pro-choice. She also counseled struggling Catholics to accept their Sexuality as a gift from their Creator. She was 89 yesterday, is as alert as can be, but her body is having severe difficulties with Parkinsons Disease. It’s sad that women like these 2 Sisters are not running the Church, but are being oppressed and harassed by those homophobic men who do run it!
Two days ago I was lying on the sofa with my boyfriend watching Bewitched and inexplicably sucking his thumb [Dr. Freud, please, Dr. Freud] while still coming out of the haze of general anesthesia from some medical tests (all results negative, yea). I said something to him about wishing I could be more secure in what I was doing in our relationship.
He said, “You may be older than I am, but remember, in ‘gay years’ you are only two and I’m 16. Go easy on yourself.”
I thought he was being insulting at first, but it’s true that one’s age in “gay years,” that is, years out of the closet, seems to have a stronger correlation to behavior than one’s chronological age. I’m still a toddler. I’ll probably be bald by the time I’m a teenager in gay years. Crap.
Watch Beatific Vision. This is a gay spiritual comedy about getting what you need as opposed to what you think you want. What does Michael do when his lover of fourteen years, Chad, dies from brain cancer? Michael does not have much time to grieve when Chad as an angel immediately comes back to him. Chad has seen Michael’s future and now takes it upon himself to guide and nudge Michael along his path. Chad’s psychiatrist, Damien, has agreed to support Michael in this process but as hard as Damien tries he cannot deny his infatuation with Michael. The seemingly unrelated “coincidences” begin to fall into steps of Michael’s path when cute boy toy Bryan arrives on the scene the night after scattering Chad’s ashes. Damien’s x-wife, Pat and Michael’s best friend, Barbra add to the mix and are also guided by Angel Chad to their destiny. Like a board game, Angel Chad provides just the right amount of clues to Michael to begrudgingly move him towards his ideal future.
http://www.ariztical.com/filmsAZ/beatific_vision.html
What I think is great for a person like me, is that not all people who believe in a deity are bad people. I was raised a catholic. And to me catholic is the locality rather than the hierarchy. A priest gave me the first non negative understanding of being gay. He told our class that homosexuality is when a person falls in love with a person of his or her own gender. Nothing about sex. Nothing about perversity. Nothing about damnation. A simple statement about how a person loves. And that has stuck with me all my life.
It doesn’t surprise me at all that you received such wonderful advice. I am by no means Catholic, nor am I likely to become one in the future. But for all of the stories I’ve heard–both the ones in the media about abusive priests and the horror stories from my friends who were subjected to the petty tyrants of parochial education as kids–most of the priests and nuns I have ever had dealings with in the course of my life have proven to be decent, sympathetic, and humane individuals. In short they embodied what a person of faith really ought to be. They have a profound understanding of the fact that dogma is far less important than spirituality.
Another great article John, Thank you.
The “climb every mountain” comment was great.
Thanks for such a good column. I found this statement especially insightful: “The priests, nuns and brothers I knew in college were sensitive, humane individuals. It saddens me that, in the minds of the public, their humanity is often eclipsed by the misdeeds of the hierarchy.” I think that is true, though I wonder if a lot of these sensitive, humane individuals might have left their orders because of the misdeeds of the hierarchy and the ones who are left are mostly people quite comfortable with the hierarchy? It is a question and I do not know the answer. But I do know that a lot of the priests and brothers and nuns I knew years ago were indeed humane and sensitive individuals and that a lot of them have left their orders. (A couple still soldier on in order to fulfill a pastoral mission at odds with the official pronouncement of the Church.)
John, I think you owe it to Sr. Julie to share this with her. I Too have often felt we go through adolecence later than our straight friends since we weren’t able to go through those feeling when everyone else was. any more, I’m not sure this is so true. With people coming out earlier and earlier. Wemust be cognizant of when they have come out to determine where they are on this adolescent journey. We all go through it sometimes, more than once.