I am now a “veteran,”  home after a year in the desert. We have been the guinea pigs for a new attempt by the military to focus on the mental health and well- being of soldiers as we reintegrate back into the civilized world. This “yellow ribbon” program is part in response to the tragic truth of the number of suicides committed by our soldiers – all too often our young men and women.

When I first arrived home, we were corralled into a small room with a circle of chairs. A high ranking officer – a mental health counselor – led the group meeting. We were there to listen to each other’s problems and the problems that we expected to encounter as we began to take up our place as father, mother, child, sibling, employee, employer and sometimes lover.

There was no confidentiality in the setting. The same people I spent the entire year hiding my sexual orientation from sat around me expecting to hear my problems. There is no way I could be honest even now, when the military acknowledges that being honest is the best way to ensure a soldiers well-being.

More recently, I was again forced into a similar group setting. This time the room was set up like a classroom and there were two group leaders – a man and a woman – one of whom was a veteran. The veteran, the man, tried to get us to spew out our feelings and our troubles by commenting on how his experiences affected him.

He mentioned how hard it was being a black man in the military many years ago, when others weren’t welcoming. He also shared that this warm welcome was something he thought women must have gone through. I was reminded of what it was like being in the military under Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) – but I digress.

Many of the people in the room commented, rather passionately, that they would not be open to speaking in front of their fellow soldiers. They didn’t want to be mocked and ridiculed. I sat quietly in the shadows. How would I begin to discuss my issues? Not only would I be subject to mockery and ridicule – I’d also be fired.

This is another obvious reason to remove DADT. There is not near enough support for the far right to ban all homosexuals from military service. I don’t believe there ever will be. But  the military has the responsibility to take into account the mental health and well-being of all its personnel and it can’t with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell in place.

In this push to battle the military’s high suicide rate, no soldier should be left behind.

Michael Duffy was a soldier stationed in Iraq.

I was kicked out of my room so that the new soldiers had a place to stay.  The roommate I had as my confidant, the only person I have been open with, has already been sent away ahead of me. I no longer have someone to talk to personally about all things homosexual.  What’s even more constricting is that one of my new roommates in the tiny room they squeezed me in is a conservative Christian.  There are 3 Bibles staring me in the face and I can’t even mention something of a homosexual nature without the fear of getting lectured.

Don’t get me wrong.  This soldier is awesome and I trust him with my life.  I just don’t trust him with my career. 

 I don’t think he would accept having me as a roommate and would make it very difficult for me if I came out to him – me might even out me to the leadership.  I don’t have a reading on how my other soldier-roommate here would react.  He’s older and seems to be laid back.

I have actually come out to two soldiers in this unit during this deployment. Both of them are gone. One of them left on a medical issue a few months ago, and the other just left recently. Writing for you all has made me consider whether I over-exaggerate possible reactions of my fellow soldiers. 

Would my conservative roommate really react as negatively as I believe?  Maybe he would be worse – or not care at all.

In a time where the president of ‘change’ of ‘hope’ and of a belief that Washington won’t be ‘politics as usual’ one would think the repeal of DADT would help me answer these questions.  Unfortunately, I have no hope for this president following through with his campaign words; I can’t trust my commander-in-chief chief to look out for me. 

I can’t rely on the repeal of DADT to help me start a dialogue with my fellow soldiers unless Congress pushes through legislation that the President seems reluctant to get behind.

I have a short time left with this group of infantry soldiers before I return to my old unit – the unit that knows me best.  I wonder if I should be a little more open with these soldiers and try to open a dialogue.  Since there are only a few weeks, it might be possible to have them live with the knowledge without them feeling trapped.  If the experience ends well for me, maybe it would be a good learning experience for us all.  Then again if someone reacts badly – who knows what might happen.

I’ll let you know if I do tell anyone else and what their reaction is.   It’s kind of a fun experiment, although a bit dangerous.  Some might not consider it a loss if I lose my military job.  That and physical retaliation are my only real fears in thinking about this.  I may lose a few friends, but perhaps I shouldn’t be friends with them if they are that homophobic.

I don’t know if these interested parties are gay or straight, but it seems like the majority of these soldiers are defending and promoting the repeal of DADT and acceptance of gays. 

 I was very comforted by seeing soldiers standing up for other gay and lesbian soldiers like me. 

Not all the opinions were positive; one negative commentary, “Problem with gays”, echoes a concern I read in copmments on my other posts.  If DADT is repealed how do we segregate those uncontrollable gays?  It is obvious to these writers that open gay and lesbian soldiers can’t be permitted to use the same facilities as heterosexuals or work in professions that might permit them to see same-sex genitialia. 

I can’t imagine what it would be like for those heterosexual soldiers.  They would have to look over their shoulder constantly to make sure no perverse homosexual was lurking in the shadows waiting for them to undress.  Truth be told, though, they should start looking over their shoulders now.  I have seen plenty of naked male soldiers throughout my military career- some extremely good looking- and they have all survived unscathed.

I have written previously that other men in my original unit know about me.  I have showered with them numerous times without any issues.  I have wondered what they thought about it, but have honestly never asked them.  Maybe I don’t want them to think about it.  I have even had one male soldier who asked me about his endowment, apparently because he was somewhat proud of it.  I am pretty sure I insulted him with my answer.

When I go to the showers here, they are individual stalls.  I get dressed and undressed in the stall with the curtain closed to protect my own privacy, something many do. 

I have been to plenty of places where this isn’t available and there is just an open room with shower heads lining the wall.  When that’s the case, I go into a dressing area, strip down and head into the shower.  I am not thinking sexual thoughts.  I am not even facing the other men.  I am in there to take a shower.  I admit to seeing attractive men, but I have never gotten sexually excited in a shower.  This is a respect and self-control issue that is needed for gays and lesbians to serve but I don’t think is found in the heterosexual population. 

They haven’t been forced to learn that virtue.

Heterosexual men get caught staring at women all the time.  My soldiers here are constantly – CONSTANTLY, to the point it’s annoying – picking women apart who are walking around.  Most of these women accept and ignore this attention, but what would it be like if these same men walked into their shower?  If the women and men were straight, they might find one another attractive, but could they control themselves and respect each other enough to take a shower and just leave? 

In a military environment where discipline and self control are paramount, unisex facilities should be possible.  Gays, lesbians, men and women should all be able to get naked together without an incident. 

I am reminded of a scene in “Starship Troopers” where there is a unisex shower scene.  I understand that it was just a movie, but the attitude expressed by the ‘troopers’ was exactly what I would expect it should be in this day and age.   The characters talked and joked around, but nothing was of a sexual nature- just as you might find in an all-male or all-female shower.  Soldiers are professionals and should be able to handle a little bit of nudity. 

Finally, if your profession requires that you see sexual genitalia or other features of a body that might be attractive to you, that’s the way it is.  Doctors see naked people all the time.  There are whole specializations based only on reproductive health, and even improving your attractiveness through augmentation and other plastic surgery.  If it’s a heterosexual or homosexuals job that requires them to invade your privacy, you should be more concerned more that they are professionally competent than whether or not they find you attractive. 

In the end, I would rather be attractive to anybody, gay or straight, than be unattractive to everybody.  Be flattered and get over it.  If you’re unattractive then don’t be paranoid, no one is looking at you.

A while back I wrote a post on a what-if scenario: what if a majority of gay service members came out at the same time?  Many of you – civilian and military alike – commented and shared your thoughts and hopes for the repeal of the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell law (DADT).

Recently, I was contacted by a reader who was inquiring on a different “what if?” scenario: What if the public started attending rallies and protests to show public support for the repeal of DADTas forcefully as do  supporters of marriage equality and the hate crimes bill?

I emailed this reader and discussed my own experience dealing with the Human Rights Campaign at a gay pride festival.  They were hell bent on getting me to donate my money for marriage equality – but when I asked about military issues and the repeal of DADT, the woman said, curtly, that they “weren’t worrying about that right now.”

I believe she could have used a little more tact in order to coax my funds from me, but I wonder how widespread that thought is.  It seems that President Obama, Admiral Mullen, and the multitude of Congressmen and Congress women aren’t really worrying about that right now, either.

In an MSNBC article on May 24th, Admiral Mullen claimed the military will comply if the gay ban changes.  Again there is that word IF that  I hate so much.  The Admiral also says that the military won’t even “start on a timeline until Congress acts.”

We have the military saying they want to take time to initiate the changes IF changes are to be made and that they will not even consider a basic timeline until Congress starts the ball rolling.  So – IF the President is honest in his desire to have the law repealed wouldn’t it be a good idea to ask congress to act?  The military could work on a timeline that begins months or years from now – I hope they don’t take that long – but it would at least be a start.

If we are only waiting on our politicians to give the military the go-ahead to take their time – what is the big deal?  We should urge our public supporters to stand and rally for the rights of LGBT service members.  The military knows the repeal is coming.  Let’s at least encourage our elected leaders give the military the go-ahead to start planning for it.

Perhaps now would be a good time to support the troops actively and fight for them as they fight for us.

Michael Duffy is the pseudonym of an American soldier serving in Iraq.

]]> http://www.365gay.com/blog/duffy-marching-against-the-military-ban/feed/ 25 http://www.365gay.com/blog/duffy-military-ban-is-an-incentive-to-lie/ http://www.365gay.com/blog/duffy-military-ban-is-an-incentive-to-lie/#comments Fri, 22 May 2009 15:24:47 +0000 Jennifer Vanasco http://www.365gay.com/?p=7524 Not only does DADT harm families, soldier’s morale, recruitment, retention, and ruin careers – it creates a culture of liars and cowards willing to sell their battle buddy to avoid stigma.

I was eating dinner chow and noticed a soldier a few tables ahead of me reading a Stars and Stripes newspaper.  When I saw the word ‘gay’ – on the front page no less – I knew I had to grab my own copy on my way out the door.

The title of the article, written by Stars and Stripes columnist Seth Robson, read “To avoid punishment, gay troops often claim assault.”   I don’t like the idea of gay service members ruining one another’s careers so they don’t get kicked out, but I did like the points made about how Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) supports this type of dishonesty.

A digital version of the article can be downloaded from the Stars and Stripes website.

The article focused on a specialist who is being accused of sexual assault by a private, and the legal experts claiming that the “‘Don’t ask’ threat is an incentive to lie.” Various professionals, including professors and lawyers both civilian and military, comment that many consensual sexual acts result in a claim of assault “from one party’s fear of the potential consequences if their homosexual conduct were known to others.”

The Army has a set of seven values that form the acronym LDRSHIP.  The values are: Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, and Personal Courage.   Being a homosexual and being in the military already stretches the “integrity” value by forcing us to lie and be covert in discussions of our personal lives. Lying about consensual sexual acts, however, not only touches on the value of integrity, but also on honor and personal courage.  DADT forces some of us to be dishonest – sometimes to the point it hurts others.

I admit being worried enough about DADT to not make it a practice to hook-up.  I believe it’s the fear of getting caught and not the fear that my would-be partner might accuse me of assaulting him.  The penalty for all the charges against the specialist in the article might be life in prison.  I can’t imagine that a passionate, yet consensual, tryst would result in the forfeiture of my freedom for life – but apparently for some it does come to that.

The article also exposes the cowardice of some gay service members.  If they are going to send someone to jail for life just to save face and their job – what might they do in other stressful situations?

The private is said to have written a letter asking that the specialist – his “assaulter” not be prosecuted.

]]> http://www.365gay.com/blog/duffy-military-ban-is-an-incentive-to-lie/feed/ 30 http://www.365gay.com/blog/duffy-a-gay-party-at-the-embassy-in-iraq/ http://www.365gay.com/blog/duffy-a-gay-party-at-the-embassy-in-iraq/#comments Tue, 19 May 2009 13:02:29 +0000 Jennifer Vanasco http://www.365gay.com/?p=7446 I should really check my military email more often.  Apparently, the U.S. embassy in Iraq is holding a gay pride celebration. My first sergeant notified me of this when he asked, “What gay icon are you going to dress up as for the party?”

I didn’t know what he was talking about until he explained the email.  I had to think about it for a minute before making sense of the situation.  Department of Defense civilians, contractors, and other civilians aren’t under the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy.  They can hold all the gay pride celebrations they wish and be open with their coworkers.  Many of them are protected under nondiscrimination policies of their employers.

“It’s a shame what they’re doing to soldiers,” my First Sergeant said.  I assumed that he meant this negatively.  It seems whenever anyone says anything on the subject of gays it is going to be negative.  Very rarely do you have someone fight for gays – and even rarer is it when a dinosaur like my First Sergeant would go against the crowd.

I told my First Sergeant that I would have gone as ‘Big Gay Al’ from that cartoon “South Park.”  I don’t think he’s much of an icon, but the character seemed pretty recognizable.  I don’t think my seargeant knew who this was, because he quickly changed the subject to another cartoon – and then the whole gay subject was lost to this new conversation.

Many of you in the past have chastised me for not taking possible openings further.  I didn’t think it would have gotten me anywhere – but maybe I should go for broke and see if my assumptions hold up.

In situations such as mine where soldiers work so closely with personnel who are permitted to be open about being gay, there should be some type of diversity training to help protect the civilian personnel from the supported doctrine of hate in the military.

It would also be a good launching point for when  – or IF, according to Robert Gates – DADT is eventually repealed.  Did I mention how much I hate that word IF in this context?  Some progressive leader over on the DOD civilian side should realize this opportunity and run with it.

I confess I know I made a mistake in immediately jumping to choose the character ‘Big Gay Al.’  I think I should retrain myself to immediately think of some other important gay historical figures instead of such a campy character.  His character is built to carry all those stereotypes that our opponents like to use against us.

In the future, if I can use a historical figure such as ‘Harvey Milk’, who has some recognition now, maybe a line of questioning on this person will open up.  This will allow me to clear away some of the ignorance toward the ‘gay agenda.’  Or maybe I would just get an evil eye as my First Sergeant pokes fun at me for knowing about “them gays.”  But an evil eye, I would risk.

I was listening in to two other soldiers speak of an experience one had during his two week leave.  This young soldier decided to head to Europe with one of our sergeants instead of going home to visit his girlfriend.  This 22-year-old seemed to be a bit prude.  He was religious, with a set way of thinking about what is right and wrong.  The other soldier is a preacher back in the states.  The preacher is a good 15 years older than the other soldier, and I assume has more life experience to ‘preach’ from. 

On the trip, soldier ‘Prude’ had sex with two girls visiting from the US.  He even admitted that he would never have done something like that back in the States.  Not only did he have sex with them, but he collected their emails and Facebook information and continued to actively communicate with them. 

It turns out that Prude’s long-time girlfriend accessed both his email and Facebook account.  I told him he should pretend to be mad at her for invading his privacy.  I mean, how could he be with her if he couldn’t trust her?  Of course, this would be totally wrong and just an effort to turn the attention from him for a moment.  He decided to keep talking to her, to apologize, and to try to make amends.  In the end she didn’t take him back.  In the very end, she wasn’t being too faithful, either.

Soldier ‘Preacher” is married, but that doesn’t keep him from having sex here.  He has good looks and seems to know exactly what to say to get a woman to bed. I don’t know if his wife knows that he does these things here.  It might be one of those what happens in Iraq, stays in Iraq-type things. 

This is the activity that is the norm here.  I’ve heard rumors that homely women volunteer for deployments because it is so easy to find a man.  Even if these rumors are just misogynistic noise, this is the general attitude.

I had heard when I first arrived in south Iraq that there was some kind of bathhouse where gay men were meeting.  The rumor was that it was shut down – I don’t know much else about it.  Unfortunately, that is the only actual meeting place I have heard about for gays and it wasn’t for platonic activity.  With this kind of  limited access, how can gays ever live up to their evil, promiscuous ways?

Gay soldiers aren’t as lucky as our heterosexual counterparts.  There are fewer of us to go around.  If we are to be as promiscuous as a heterosexual soldier, we really have to try.  We can’t just talk our way into bed like the preacher - we have to use our technological resources. 

If a gay soldier has computer access, there are a few sites that might give our conservative friends something to complain about.  If it’s not blocked, Adam4Adam.com has a dedicated hookup site devoted to Iraq.  Gay.com has a good chat feature to help you keep in contact with local gays at home, though there aren’t many people using the service in Iraq.  There is also a yahoo group called DLSOLDIERS that has visitors from Iraq and Afghanistan. 

Although I don’t support cheating and am personally not into promiscuity, I believe that having access to other gays can be helpful during a deployment.  I have spoken to many gay soldiers all over Iraq through the use of these sites.  I will probably continue to talk to them when I am home and they are still serving.

Unfortunately, in the last two weeks I have received a lot of sad news from my family.  My grandmother just learned during treatment she was having for a broken hip that she has pancreatic cancer. My grandfather has been waiting to die since the death of his twin brother and a few strokes. Two of my grand aunts have cancer: one just found out and the other just decided to stop her chemo treatments.  My uncle learned he may have cancer when he brought my grand aunt to the hospital and the doctor advised him to check himself in – he was completely yellow! 

My sister said “A whole generation of our family might be gone before 2010.” 

I know I’m not the only one that is dealing with gravely ill family members but I know how lucky I am that I will be heading home soon.  In an effort to keep the conversation light, I told my sister “I’ll have to thank them for getting sick now that I only have a month to go – I’ll get to see them before they go.” 

Admittedly, that was a bit morbid. It’s depressing to think about, but I am not permitted to go on emergency leave for anyone outside an immediate family member. Even if my grandmother passed before I get home, since she didn’t raise me, I am not allowed to leave to attend the funeral. 

My sister has been the harbinger of bad news. My mother would rather keep these things from me since “I have enough to worry about.”  But I am glad my sister tells me, even though learning such sad news is distracting. I have been able to discuss my thoughts and feelings with a few of my buddies here. They have been pretty supportive, but when I think about it I get kind of numb. Too much too fast, maybe. 

Reading this over as I write it, I know I should discuss the situation of gays and lesbians and how gay and lesbian soldiers with a sick or dying partnerare stuck pulling at their hair. They might have one or more confidants, as I do with my roommate, since I felt safe enough with him to come out a while back. Or they may have to go at it alone.
 
Maybe they’re not even out to their families, or worse, their families shunned them after they came out. Maybe they don’t have someone like my sister to bring them the news of tragedy.

A husband or wife is considered immediate family and you can get emergency leave to tend to them. Grandparents and aunts do not fall under this umbrella. Obviously, my gay partner is left out also.

The way things stand now and the way I feel at this moment, I am actually angry at the idea I wouldn’t be able to see my partner if he were sick. I know I would start slow and pick up speed, from sane to reckless, doing everything in my power to land myself at my partner’s bedside – hopefully avoiding ending up in jail.

I have a very close family and I can’t get home to see them. My sister is going to see my aunts soon; my grandmother, recuperating from hip surgery, isn’t seeing anyone yet. I will have to continue to hear from a third-party news of what is happening. I plan on calling my mother tonight to let her fill me in on any holes left by my sister.

In the meantime, I wait. To go home. To hear news.

If you want to watch television here in Iraq, the military provides its AFN network (Armed Forces Network).  You can see news, sports, prime time shows and various other programming  – but what may literally drive you crazy are the commercials.  Without much variation, we are inundated with military propaganda  promoting safety, volunteering and more.  I find myself routinely whistling some tune or quoting  these commercials I can’t seem to escape. 

One message that is repeated is that of the military’s zero tolerance on sexual harassment and sexual assault.

Not only is sexual assault and sexual harassment a constant message on AFN, it is also a message passed on through mandatory annual trainings, usually around Christmas.  I had to take classes on sexual harassment and assault before coming to Iraq and recently had another briefing, toward the end of my current tour.  

There are few if any differences in the classes each time.  The message is clear: If you make someone uncomfortable by making unwelcome comments or committing actions that might be considered sexual in nature, you could get a reprimand or endanger your military career. 

My own infantry unit can’t spend 15 minutes together without lapsing into some type of homophobic or  misogynistic diatribe.  The amazing thing is that when an unfamiliar woman is in their midst their vocabulary immediately becomes devoid of the previous perverse jocularity.  What this means to me is that it is possible for them to refrain from being offensive for as long as required. 

Whether it was the threat of the military’s zero tolerance of sexual harassment or some other chivalrous reason, my colleagues can hold their tongues if need be.  They will be able to hold their tongues about gays and lesbians as well, if they’re told to.

Also, harassment based on sexual orientation is sexual harassment and gays should have the ability to bring complaints against real or perceived harassment.  Just like a heterosexual male or female should be able to make a complaint based on a real or perceived harassment from a gay male or female. If the military ban is lifted, the sexual harassment policy will still be in place.

There will be slips and misunderstandings in the beginning and I accept that.  Perceived harassment may indeed need to be investigated frequently early in the process, but as ignorance is replaced with experience, those investigations will slow.  The military’s acceptance of gays and lesbians might never be perfect, but I don’t think removing DADT will cause any lasting problems. 

We will always have those who prefer to hate.  I have one soldier in my unit who disagrees with women serving, for example.  People like this may never change their mind.  But that shouldn’t keep gays and lesbians from serving openly.

“Michael Duffy” is a psedonym for a gay soldier serving in the Middle East.

“All fags should die” one of my colleagues said to me today. We started the brief discussion after we found a folder on one of the desktop computers that contained short bestiality vids at the Morale and Welfare building. The local nationals and the other countries that support the war in Iraq have some varied tastes, apparently.

Somehow, the mention of a man that was rumored to have died after participating in a sexual act with a horse set this soldier off on gays. He went on to say that they are a “bad influence on open minded kids”- an all-too-familiar conservative claim.

I was trying to remain calm and understanding. At the same time, I had to hold my tongue and my fists. I wonder what it is like for other soldiers like me that feel they have to shut up and even play along.

I’m not other soldiers, though, and I’m trained as a social worker – so I tried to keep my reaction subdued while attempting to defend myself from his ignorant insults. The vehicle commander (actually TC or tank commander, but we’re not in tanks anymore), bought me some time, because he said, “We need gays and lesbians… well lesbians at least” and they went on with some chauvinist banter about how hot lesbians can be.

When the nauseated feeling quelled in the pit of my stomach, I chose my words carefully.

“So all gays should die?” I asked.

That simple, open-ended question was enough to have the other two thinking and talking about their experience with gays and lesbians. The vocal one with the violent comment began to talk about his sister’s friend who is a gun-toting, hunting redneck who you would never suspect was gay.

“He works on cars and hangs with us guys. His boyfriend is cool too,” my colleague said.

Then the TC started in with his experience with a particular lesbian he has known for awhile and how cool he thinks she is.

My fists unclenched slightly. This sudden relaxation of murderous comments gave me hope.

“So not all gays are bad then?” I asked.

These open-ended questions are common when providing therapy. They also keep me from having to actually express an opinion and open myself up to getting ridiculed or worse. My colleague the homophobe explained that it’s not all gays he doesn’t like – just the ones that put themselves out there, and “rub it in your face.”

“So you don’t like gay guys or you don’t like feminine guys?” I said.

This question, while I hope it made him think some, wasn’t answered. He continued along the “gays that rub it in your face” line. He compared the more flamboyant gays with his hunting, car-fixing gay buddy. He explained about how they didn’t show public displays of affection and even danced with girls when they went out- while still being open about being gay.

So – he doesn’t believe all gays should die after all, though he clearly still has some misguided opinions. But what if I hadn’t asked my question? Would he have assumed that I or the TC agreed with him? Although I still had to listen to him call others “fag” and use the word in a few different ways to describe other people, I was glad that there seemed to be some hope for this Southern-bred soldier.

On a lighter note – I related this story to my roommate, just now. I came out to him two weeks ago, and he said, “[He’s] an idiot and I make it obvious I don’t like him.”
Although I don’t wish negativity on anyone I confess that it did give me a little relief.

“Michael Duffy” is a pseudonym for a gay soldier stationed in the Middle East. He blogs regularly for 365gay.com.