Many years ago, I thought I was entering it for the right reason, but maybe I just wanted the white picket fence. I now have comfort, companionship, mutual friends and a “couple’s life,” but I stopped finding my partner attractive. The sex evaporated long ago. I still crave passion and sex, but just don’t want it with my partner.

Online, I have met someone new; we have chatted and phoned for months—and despite our having never physically met, I’m in romantic love with him. He offers the spark that I’ve been missing. Should I leave and go for this missing self actualization, or try to repair a relationship that is only 80% there, knowing that my heart does not feel the same passion?

—Spark Plugged

Dear Spark Plugged,

In gay and straight relationships alike, it’s common—and normal—for sexual and romantic desire to diminish and ultimately evaporate, as it did in yours. The problem is that nobody tells us this!  In fact, the popular media lie to us. Movies, songs and TV reality shows all focus on only the beginning of relationships which is romantic love. They don’t bother to mention that they are celebrating only the first six to 18 months of the typical relationship. After that hormone-driven push, we settle into a comfortable routine. We become more like friends than sexual lovers—and that transition takes effort.

It doesn’t take work to be lovers and be sexy to one another at the beginning. Nature give us a boost with infatuation (or as the late psychologist Dorothy Tennov called it, limerence) — love’s initial, exciting phase when chemistry dominates. Limerence occurs in the beginning when your relationship feels intense, emotional and passionate. Some cultures do not trust it or even aspire to it, because they understand that limerence, by whatever name, cannot last—and nor should it determine with whom you decide to partner. Its entire purpose is to help us attach to that significant person.

Also, it’s naturally supposed to end—but no one tells us.

But I am telling you that after limerence ends, the real work of a relationship begins. Problem is, so many people won’t, and don’t, do the work. Instead, they settle for the mundane, endure continuous conflicts, or have affairs—which it sounds like you’re engaged in with this person online. I call that a relationship exit, a way for individuals to take conflicted energy about their partner and direct it outside of their relationship.

An exit can be any behavior or action that distracts you from problems or the lack of feelings within your relationship. Exits can include working long hours at your job, getting overly focused on children or pets, sleeping, watching sports on television, the ever-popular drinking and drugging—anything that coaxes you to devote more attention to it than on your relationship. Right now, your exit it is an emotional affair. Given what we know about romantic love, you are experiencing limerence with this person you met on the Internet.

No ongoing long-term relationship can compete with romantic love. Whoever you’re infatuated with will always outweigh the mundane, less impassioned partner. That said, I do recommend you end the emotional affair. It will simply trump all the good you do have in your relationship and distract you from knowing whether your current partner is right for you.

Why don’t you want sex with your partner? So that you can clearly know the reasons, I recommend you close your exit and focus on what you have in front of you. To figure this out, the best way is to talk to your partner. Admit your feeling that things have grown stale, and that you want to resurrect sexual desire and passion. Yes, it can be done! Plenty of books explain how to bring back passion. Unfortunately, I don’t know of any gay or lesbian books that address to this. However, there is one great book, even though written primarily for to straight couples, is Tammy Nelson’s Getting The Sex You Want (Quiver Books, 2008).

Good luck, and remember close your exit. End the distraction so that you can focus clearly on what you really do want out of what you already have.

Joe Kort, MA, MSW, is a psychotherapist and Board Certified Sexologist who specializes in gay affirmative therapy, relationship therapy, sex therapy and sexual addiction. He is the author of 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love, and  Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician.  He provides workshops for gays and lesbians as well as trainings for straight clinicians around the country. His website is www.joekort.com.

Sex Starved Gay Couple, MN

Yes there is hope. Most couples, gay and straight, experience exactly what you wrote in terms of enjoying a healthy and often hot sex life early in the relationship and then it tapers off to less than hot and even mundane. Every couple should know this is normal and that it takes work to keep any sex life hot and interesting. It isn’t only gay couples’ for whom sexual activity tapers off after their initial “honeymoon” period. For both gays and straights, sexual excitement wanes after the first two or three years.

New lovers feel an elation, exhilaration, and euphoria mostly due to their bloodstreams being flooded with chemical cousins of amphetamines such as phenylethalimine (or PEA), dopamine, oxytocin, norepinephrine–all natural stimulants and painkillers. So if they feel drugged, it’s because they are! When first released, PEA is at its most potent, which is why you never forget your first love. PEA eradicates pain, lowers anxiety, makes the world bright and renewed-but above all, it heightens sexual arousal and desire for the beloved.

Then there is the social pressure. Gay male couples feel more pressure than their heterosexual counterparts to remain sexually fresh, new, and exciting. That’s the popular stereotype. “All gay men love sex and have it a lot” trumpets the popular press. “If I were gay,” straight men joke,” I would be having sex all the time with my partner! Guys always want it!” So gay couples think that other gay couples are enjoying all kinds of adventurous sex. After all, aren’t men, gay men in particular, supposed to be sexually open and alive? But this is often not the case at all.

To bring passion and sex back into your relationship, you have to want to do it–and know that this time around, it takes work. It wasn’t work in the beginning, when nature was on your side, drugging you with excitement and ecstasy. To bring it back in healthy doses now, you’re on your own-and you can.

1.  Plan time for sex.
Most couples–gay and straight–insist they shouldn’t have to plan for sex, which should come naturally and spontaneously the way it did in the beginning of their relationship. But after the first five years, you must make time for it. Planning can help you anticipate being together, making the coming experience more exciting.

2.  Focus on some detail(s) you find attractive about your partner.
Is your partner not quite as attractive as when you first got together? He’s put on some pounds, lost some hair, and doesn’t seem as hot to you now. Then focus on what you do like about him-his genitals, hair, feet, hands? The way he kisses? Focus on any aspect of him that most arouses you.

3.  Fantasize about some hot experience you had in the past.
It can be an experience and/or fantasy with your current partner, or with someone else. The popular press media claims that not being fully present with a partner during sex is destructive and to fantasize about anyone else is like cheating. Not true! If that’s the only way you and your partner can enjoy sex, that might be an issue. But doing this every so often can spark sexual excitement in you both.

4.  Watch porn together; get on the webcam with other guys on the Internet.
This should only be done if both of you agree on it. If one doesn’t then it is not a good idea. If while doing it, one partner becomes uncomfortable then you should both stop. Communication is key on this one. This aphrodisiac can heighten your sexual desire-and thus, for each other. There’s nothing wrong with being stimulated outside your relationship, if you bring that sexual energy back into the relationship with your partner. Again, this is no problem unless it’s the only way you can have sex together or one of you is jealous. This would not be recommended if so.

5.  Role-play.
Have you and your partner ever discussed your deepest, darkest sexual secrets? Maybe one or both of you like to be spanked? Maybe humiliating someone (or being humiliated) sexually turns you one? Perhaps you’ve never told him of your fetish of licking his feet or armpit? Fantasy role play can help you escape daily living, forget about your busy lives, and perhaps even problems in your relationship. Remember, you should only do this when you feel good about each other. The goal is to connect, not disconnect.

6. Don’t make sexual contact the goal.
After a long drought in a relationship, engaging in sex immediately and directly may be too tall an order. If so, give each other massages. Take a bath or shower together, lie naked beside each other, kiss, rub strawberries on each other’s lips and feed each other. But whatever you do, don’t have sex! If you both honestly decide to, fine-but your goal should not to create any pressure to perform.

Joe Kort, MA, MSW, is a psychotherapist who specializes in gay affirmative therapy, relationship therapy, sex therapy and sexual addiction. He is the author of 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love, and  Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician.  He provides training to straight clinicians around the country and  is an adjunct professor at Wayne State University, teaching gay and lesbian studies. His website is www.joekort.com.

Am I unique in this search?  I live alone, have no relatives and few friends-most of them straight and most of them only at work.

- Singled-In in Spartanburg

Dear Singled-In,

I want to help you become singled OUT! So many gay men tell me they want a relationship, but what they really want is a meaningful overnight relationship! They don’t consciously realize it, but their behavior says so, loud and clear. From childhood on up. Western culture is brainwashed to believe that we cannot be happy unless we can maintain a committed relationship. Well, that’s not so! Yes, it’s nice to have a partner, someone you can go through life with-if that is what you want. But it’s not for everyone. So really the first question you need to ask yourself is, “Do I really want a partner?” Really?

Your next question to consider is why you aren’t more social with other gays and lesbians, especially outside of work? What might you be avoiding or hiding from? To find a partner, you must be willing to get out and exposed to others. Dating requires this. If you stay around colleagues and straight people, you won’t find a partner as quickly, if at all.

Most gay men labor under the fallacy that our culture is interested only in attractive, successful men. The media and the magazines all promote this stereotype. In fact, even though I’m heartened to see gay men on television more and more, sometimes I think it makes things harder for us gays in managing our ordinary personal lives.  TV sitcoms and dramas tend to focus primarily on young, attractive, successful and relationship-oriented characters. Many gay viewers naturally assume that’s the norm that we too should aim for. We’re being forced into the same position as our straight counterparts-which is both good and bad.

You should stop looking to the media for an ideal of what is right for–or wrong with– you, personally. Go inside yourself and decide what it is that you want.

If you are going to find Mr. Right, you will need to market yourself. And that means becoming more social with other gay men who will either be attracted to you or know someone with whom they can fix you up.

And finally, the prejudice of ageism is a real issue that does affect everybody-gay, straight and in between. I do notice its being more prevalent among males. And given that we gay men form an all-male culture, ageism is present inevitably. Yes, it would be easy to use that as an excuse to give up! And yes, you might get a lot of grudging discouragement from people who are age-negative themselves, who accept the reality of ageism, and would warn you there is no hope. To that I say No! ! We cannot let limitations, real or imagined, block us from getting what we want. Neither should you.

One client of mine, 70 years old, gets more sexual, romantic and relational action than any 20-to-40-year-old guy I know. Because of his positive attitude, he doesn’t consider himself too old. Even more importantly, he doesn’t restrict himself to any age group or any certain “type” of guy. Read gay personal ads, and you’ll see whole shopping lists of traits men seek-or won’t accept-in a casual hookup, much less a LTR!

Plenty of young men seek older partners, attracted to the maturity and wisdom that comes from having reached 58 or even older! Investigate the online dating sites for older gay men and their admirers, or join blogs that discuss this issue-of which there are many. Google “older gay men and their admirers” to find very good sites.

I recall a greeting card featuring a model dressed as Uncle Sam, wearing an earring and eye shadow. The message inside read. “You’re a grand old fag!” Always remember that as a Gay Elder, you have much to offer to your peers as a friend, and as a partner, plenty to offer those your age and those younger than yourself.

We’ve now been together for four years, in a committed relationship for the last three years. Despite some ups and downs, our connection has still remained strong. But just a month ago, my partner flirted with another woman, and the two developed feelings for each other. The other woman’s now out of the picture. To my knowledge, there’s been no contact. But needless to say, that was a shock, and I told her I wasn’t ready for an open relationship.

We decided that we weren’t getting what we wanted from each other (obviously!) and need to find out why she felt desire for another woman. We discovered that we do resent how very different we are.

She realized that in many ways, I am a crutch to her: I keep a job, pay all our bills, and do what I need to stay afloat. I fear we would get married for the wrong reasons—maybe because we’re scared that we won’t find anyone else who will connect the way we do. I’m okay with the idea of us not working out. But she isn’t—she believes marriage is the next step in our relationship, a way to stop stunting ourselves. I disagree.

A month ago, she had feelings for someone else, and now she wants to spend her life with me? But she thinks that unless we get married, we aren’t moving forward. I don’t need to be married to this woman to be committed, but I just need someone else’s opinion.

—U-Hauled in Cleveland

Dear U-Hauled,

If you’re having doubts, I highly recommend not binding yourself legally through marriage or any other way!

Having said that, when couples start committing to each other, some natural things do happen —especially at the 3-to-5 year mark, exactly where you two are. You’d think that the more you commit to the person of your dreams, problems would go away. But in most relationships, the more partners commit the more problems and conflicts!

For you and your partner, commitment involves talking about marriage. For others, it involves deciding to see each other only, going away together on a trip, purchasing something together, adopting children—just to name a few. You would think that this all bring partners closer. But the more we commit to staying on that freeway of love, the more we look for exit ramps.

The more partners depend on each other and close off exits, the more conflicts arise. That can be scary, and there is a reason.

Our internal pharmacy of “love drugs,” dopamine and oxytocin, makes the beginning of romantic love feel ecstatic, euphoric. We finish each other’s sentences; focus on the positives (we find many!), assume we’ve found the one and often move in with each other too soon (which you may have done).

These internal love drugs are short-lived, meant only to bond us to another. After six to 18 months, the drugs wear off, and we’re faced with the negatives about our partners that we could overlook before. Then conflict arises.

Partners begin to have trouble communicating, grow bothered by their differences (as you mentioned is happening for you both), and no longer feel as safe in each other’s presence. We feel less attached and connected than hurt and frustrated.  The more we commit, the more we feel dependent on our partner, which awakens all our past dependencies, from childhood on. Our current partner becomes a blank screen, onto whom we project all our home movies—unresolved baggage from childhood caretakers and previous adult partners.

To ease that conflict, we create exits—such as flirting with another woman or not wanting to legally bind ourselves to a partner through marriage or owning property. Others may pour themselves into a job or working out; involve themselves with pets, hobbies, addictions—anything to distract from problems in their relationship.

So in some ways, it’s normal that your partner got involved with another woman. I’m not saying it’s okay! It may have been her way of “acting out” her fear of intimacy. The fact that you don’t want to commit that strongly through “marriage” might be your fear of intimacy. You both need to explore those exit ramps—and consider closing them.

Another explanation could be that you’re not right for each other. You might hesitate to “commit marriage” because you’re not okay with something about her. Or she may not really want to commit as much as she says she does.

I always advise trying to make your relationship as good as it can be, and then deciding whether to stay or leave.

How can you know? After talking to each other, if you’re still left with doubts about commitment, don’t try to resolve them on your own. I recommend seeing a therapist, relationship coach or clergyperson who understands couples’ normal dynamics.  It can be very helpful to have another pair of eyes on your relationship and might help each of you understand what’s really going on between you.

Good luck! You and your relationship are worth it.

Welcome to our new section, 365gay’s Ask the Expert. Each week, a different expert will answer your questions on law, health, relationships, news and personal finance.

Our expert schedule:

The first week of the month: Vincent Smith/ health and Jennifer Vanasco/news and politics
Second week: Yetta Kurland/law and Daniel Leary/gay etiquette
Third week: Joe Kort/Relationships and 365gay News/news and politics
Fourth: Marc Delphine/personal finance

You can ask your question here.

Launched today: Questions and answers on health, relationships and news – read them here.

Who are our experts?

Law expert – Yetta Kurland

Yetta Kurland is a civil rights attorney and tenant rights activist.

As a civil rights attorney, Yetta has worked to provide legal services to underrepresented communities. As a tenant rights activist, Yetta has worked on creating sustainable and affordable housing solutions for New Yorkers, and has defended tenants in eviction proceedings to protect their rent stabilized and rent controlled homes throughout the City.

Yetta lives in Chelsea with her partner Elizabeth and their two Italian Greyhounds, Sal and Luca. She is currently running for New York City Council. Her website is YettaKurland.com.

Yetta will answer questions about law and legal issues the second week of every month.

Personal finance expert – Marc Delphine

Marc Delphine is a financial adviser who has been practicing financial planning for over seven years. He is currently working on developing Pride Funds, a division of Equality Funds, which is a mutual fund that invests in gay-friendly companies to advocate for progressive management practices. Marc lives in Oregon.

Marc will answer questions about personal finance the fourth week of every month.

Relationships expert – Joe Kort

Since 1985, Joe Kort, MA, MSW has been specializing in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy, Marital Affairs, Mixed Orientation Marriages, Sexual Addiction, Sexual Abuse, and Imago Relationship Therapy.  He trains straight clinicians about Gay Affirmative Therapy around the country.

Joe is the author of 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives and 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love on gay male identity and relationships. His latest book is Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician: The Essential Guide.

An adjunct professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne State University’s School of Social Work, Joe’s website is www.joekort.com.

Joe will be answering questions about relationships the third week of every month.

Health expert – Dr. Vincent Smith

Dr. Vincent Smith earned his MD from Stanford University and his masters in public health from Harvard. He is on the faculty of the Harvard Medical School.

Vincent will be answering questions about health and medicine the first week of every month.

Etiquette expert – Daniel Leary

Daniel Leary is an actor and a comedian. His video blog “Mores for Gays” started on AfterElton.com and is now a show on Logo. His website is DanielLeary.net.

News & politics expert – Jennifer Vanasco

Jennifer Vanasco is editor in chief of 365gay.com and an award-winning, syndicated columnist in the gay press. She writes about politics and social trends; her work has appeared in the Chicago Tribune, Village Voice, Chicago Reader, Washington Blade, Chicago Free Press, Newsday, and the Independent Gay Forum. The Society of Professional Journalists’ Headline Club has three times awarded her the Peter Lisagor Award for opinion writing. She has worked as a writer for Mayor Mike Bloomberg and the University of Chicago Law School, where, yes, she met Barack Obama. Briefly.

She lives in Manhattan with her partner Jenny and their dog Max.

Jennifer will answer your questions about news and politics every first week of the month.

Our sex life is fantastic, and he never has complained about that. He seems very happy to be with me and tells me all the time how much he loves me. Should I mention his comments to him, or just be satisfied that he’s my lover? –Confused in Grafton, VA:

Dear Confused,

With gay male couples, it’s a common dynamic for one or both partners to tell each other how hot another guy is (or isn’t, for that matter). Some couples are comfortable with this, while others are not. Although straight couples sometimes ogle others of the opposite sex and talk about their attractiveness, most don’t—and would find it hurtful if their partner brought it up.

In his research on straight and gay couples, marital therapist John Gottman found that in general, gay and lesbian couples feel more at ease talking about the good looks of someone outside their relationships than do heterosexual couples. His research showed that lesbian and gay couples take this “other approval” less personally and find it less threatening than do their straight counterparts.

With that preamble, I must admit that when I met my partner, I felt just like you. At the time, he was just coming out. Wherever we went, he was interested in—and talking about—all the eye candy around us. I remember feeling insulted and inferior and hurt, even though deep down, I knew that he wasn’t comparing me to those other guys. His conscious attraction to men was all new to him, and being able to talk about it was refreshing and liberating. Nevertheless, I didn’t like it one bit.

Gay or straight, the biggest danger any couple faces is not communicating. I told my partner that I didn’t appreciate his admiring other guys out loud around me. I recommend you do the same, because if you don’t, you’ll probably resent him for it, and that unspoken resentment will come out sideways with you “punishing” him in negative ways that he can’t possibly understand.

I would begin the conversation by acknowledging the wonderful: Tell him how much you appreciate enjoying a good sex life and his constantly saying how much he loves you. Then you can tell him that whenever he comments about another guy’s “cute ass,” you feel [fill in the blank with your honest reaction]. When you tell him this, don’t accuse him or act defensive, because that only makes a partner defensive right back. Restrict your comments to yourself and your feelings, letting him know that kind of talk hurts you. If he indicates that he wants to keep on talking about other hot men (as in “Hey, what’s wrong with that?”), I suggest you ask him—with genuine curiosity—why doing that is so important for him. Again, without making him take it personally.

I met my partner when he was 37 years old. He told me that he’d waited until he was 37 to talk to anyone about cute guys, and that even though we were partners; he hoped that he could do that with me. For my part, I tried to understand. For his part, he tried to refrain from telling me about hunky-looking passersby. It wasn’t a total victory for either of us. But as time went on, I became more comfortable with his comments, and he needed to make them less and less.

To keep your relationship lively and well, the most important thing is to keep your lines of communication wide open. When a problem comes up, talk it through as much as you both need to.

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