“Even though it’s difficult and society puts lots of obstacles in your way, your work really starts once you have the kids.”

IHI, which specializes in affirmative mental health services for the LGBTQ community and other stigmatized groups, has just begun its second year of “Family Q” workshops for LGBTQ parents and prospective parents. The organization received a five-year grant from the New York State Department of Health to offer the program at no charge, including free follow-up counseling if desired. They hope attendees will come away better able to handle the emotional part of being LGBTQ parents.

Dr. Ehrenberg says many LGBTQ parents and prospective parents “don’t have enough questions” about parenting. They ask about practical issues such as how to conceive, find a surrogate, or adopt, she explains, “but they don’t stop to consider the emotional ramifications.” Similarly, many seminars elsewhere for LGBTQ parents focus on the mechanics and legal issues rather than the psychological aspects of parenthood.

Dr. Ehrenberg feels IHI is in an ideal position to address the psychological side. The organization has trained hundreds of psychotherapists about LGBTQ issues. Its founder, Dr. Charles Silverstein, helped lead the charge in 1973 to have the American Psychiatric Association remove homosexuality from its list of mental disorders. He established IHI as a not-for-profit therapy center soon thereafter.

“We have tried to construct workshops based on our own experiences and those of our clients who come to us for therapy,” Dr. Ehrenberg explains, “and our knowledge of general issues of child and adolescent development.”

The workshops, which will run on the third Wednesday of every month from October 2009 through May 2010, will address topics such as answering children’s queries about sperm donors or birth parents, coming out of the closet after having children, and how to talk about sex when children begin to ask the inevitable questions.

Most straight parents, Dr. Ehrenberg observes, either don’t have to deal with these questions or can refer to any number of books that explain to children where they came from.

Family Q sessions will also cover some of the negative situations LGBTQ parents may encounter, including harassment at school, rejection by neighbors or relatives, and breaking up when parents don’t have equal legal or biological claims to the children.

The presenters are all mental health professionals with extensive clinical backgrounds. They are also, importantly, all LGBTQ parents who have lived through many of the above experiences themselves.

Developmental psychologist Dr. Elizabeth O’Connor says her March workshop, “What Will the Neighbors Think?” will explore what she feels is the most common concern gay and lesbian parents have when they’re thinking about raising children: are the kids going to get harassed or ostracized because of their parents?

She says there is no guarantee this won’t happen, but adds, “There’s no guarantee they won’t get teased about wearing glasses or losing the baseball game or anything else.”

Also, she says, research has shown that even though children of LGBTQ parents may hear some unkind remarks, “generally speaking, kids [of LGBTQ parents] report they don’t get teased any more than other kids do, that it’s not this huge problem for most of our kids. That’s kind of a relief for parents to hear.”

O’Connor and her partner, Dr. Suzanne M. Johnson, another developmental psychologist and Family Q presenter, are the authors of For Lesbian Parents: Your Guide to Helping Your Family Grow Up Happy, Healthy and Proud and The Gay Baby Boom: The Psychology of Gay Parenthood. O’Connor says, however, that workshop attendees will get something they cannot get from reading books. “I think it’s very helpful just to sit in a room with other people who are going through the same thing that you are,” she explains. “Even if you don’t see these people again, just knowing that they’re out there, that you’re part of a community, I think is a real benefit to parents.”

Practicing psychologist Dr. Adam Benson, who will be conducting the December workshop, “Heather Has Two Daddies” with his partner Graham Parker, wants to reach out to the community of gay fathers. He says many gay dads still struggle with gender stereotypes about what it means to be a father.

“In one of the studies that I completed,” he says, “the gay fathers that had children [through an opposite-sex marriage] would often say that they allowed their spouse to have full custody simply because they thought that the best place for a child is with their mother.”

In his workshop, he hopes to challenge the idea that an involved male parent is simply playing “Mr. Mom,” which still implies that the female parenting role is the touchstone. “Very often, if we’re not aware how the gender stereotypes play a role in what we say or how we act with our children,” he explains, “we’re less likely to be as present as we can with them.”

Michael, a dad who attended several of last year’s workshops, says he plans to return. Last year, he was just coming out to his then-wife and two children. (He asked that his last name not be used so that his teens may control when to come out about their father to friends.) He says he appreciated not only the guidance from professionals, but also the help from other participants, many of whom were already out but not yet parents.

“It’s not the parenting part for me,” he told them, “it’s the gay stuff.” He gave others advice on parenting issues, and in turn learned from them about coming out and being gay. “It was a positive experience for me as a gay man and a parent,” he reflects. “I feel like going back and reporting on how it went.”

Dr. Ehrenberg says she would like even more parents and prospective parents to have the chance to benefit from Family Q. She hopes to continue the program even beyond the five-year grant, and perhaps expand it nationwide, starting with other cities such as Boston and San Francisco.

She expects it will evolve to include additional topics as well, and asserts, “We are ready, willing, and eager to add new workshops as the ideas come out, and as we’re stimulated to do so.”

For a complete list of Family Q workshops, or to make a reservation for any workshop, visit the IHI Web site or contact them at ihi-lgbt@juno.com or 212-243-2830.

Dana Rudolph is the founder and publisher of Mombian, a blog and resource directory for LGBT parents.

(Tuscon, Ariz.)  Lambda Legal has filed a federal lawsuit in U.S. District Court in Tucson to block a move to strip domestic partner benefits from gay and lesbian state employees.  Arizona lawmakers included a provision stripping domestic partner health benefits from state employees as part of a last-minute budget deal signed by Governor Jan Brewer in September, while retaining spousal health benefits for heterosexual workers.  

Lambda Legal represents 10 state employees – including from the Arizona Highway Patrol, the State Department of Game and Fish, and state universities – who rely on health benefits from their employers to keep their families safe.

“This is an issue of equal pay for equal work,” said Tara Borelli, staff attorney for Lambda Legal.  ”By stripping away these vital benefits from loyal state employees, the state isn’t just paying them less for the same work than their heterosexual colleagues — it’s pulling away a vital lifeline that all workers need.  This is simply cruel and saves the state next to nothing.”

State lawmakers voted over the summer to eliminate the state’s domestic partner benefits, which were adopted with the leadership of former Governor Janet Napolitano, now Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security.  Current Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed the budget bill with the provision revoking the health insurance coverage for domestic partners.

Arizona Highway Patrol Officer Tracy Collins is lead plaintiff and relies on her work-provided health benefits to protect her partner of 11 years, Diana Forrest, and their family.  ”I put my life on the line every day for the people of Arizona just by going to work,” said Collins.  ”Though the stress of working a dangerous job takes a toll on my family, I’m proud to be a public servant.  But losing Diana’s health coverage will put us in a desperate situation.”  

“This discriminatory elimination of vital health benefits denies equal pay for equal work to a small, politically vulnerable group of dedicated public workers who perform valuable services and pay equal taxes.  By stripping gay and lesbian state employees of health coverage for a domestic partner, the new law unfairly and unconstitutionally inflicts severe hardship upon a targeted group of Arizona families,” added Borelli.

The study released by a think tank based at UCLA also found that Utah and Wyoming were among the states with the highest percentages of gay spouses in 2008, despite being heavily conservative states with no laws providing legal recognition of gay relationships.

The data from the annual American Community Survey showed that nearly 150,000 same-sex couples in the U.S., or more than one in four, referred to one another as “husband” or “wife,” although UCLA researchers estimate that no more than 32,000 of the couples were legally married.

The couples had an average age of 52 and household incomes of $91,558, while 31 percent were raising children. That compares with an average age of 50, household income of $95,075 and 43 percent raising children for married heterosexual couples.

“It’s intrinsically interesting that same-sex couples who use the term spouses look like opposite-sex married couples even with a characteristic like children,” said Gary Gates, the UCLA demographer who conducted the analysis. “Most proponents of traditional marriage will say that when you allow these couples to marry, you are going to change the fundamental nature of marriage by decoupling it from procreation. Clearly, in the minds of same-sex couples who are marrying or think of themselves as married, you are not decoupling child-rearing from marriage.”

Gates said the report is the first to reliably compare same-sex couples who identify as married with gays who say they’re in unmarried partnerships and with married opposite-sex couples.

In the past, same-sex couples who referred to one another as “husband” or “wife” automatically were recorded as unmarried partners, a step gay rights activists lobbied the Census Bureau to eliminate as more states have legalized same-sex unions.

Unsurprisingly, Massachusetts, where gay couples have been able to get married since 2004, had the highest proportion of same-sex couples who were either legally married or considered themselves married, 3.63 for every 1,000 households. Vermont, which allowed same-sex couples to enter in civil unions with all the rights and obligations of marriage in 1999 and made same-sex marriages legal this year, came in second, with a rate of 2.71 per 1,000.

But Hawaii, Utah and Wyoming – states with neither civil unions nor same-sex marriage – came in next, ahead of California, Nevada, Connecticut, New Jersey and Rhode Island. What accounts for the phenomenon is unclear, but “it does provide this evidence that there are clearly couples in conservative parts of the country who do use these terms and do see their relationships in that framework.”

Melissa Bird, a 35-year-old Utah lobbyist, said she understood why her home state has so many same-sex couples who see themselves as married, even though the state government does not recognize them that way. Bird and her 26-year-old partner had a commitment ceremony two years ago in Utah that wasn’t legally binding. They tied the knot legally in California last year before voters approved a gay marriage ban.

“There is very much a marriage mentality here in Utah,” said Bird, whom considers her partner her wife. “We know a lot of people who get ‘married’ in quotes. It never crossed our minds not to do it.”

Once same-sex couples who labeled themselves as unmarried partners were factored in, however, the geographic distribution changed significantly. The District of Columbia came in first, with same-sex couples – both unmarried partners and those who called themselves married – representing 14.12 of every 1,000 households. Maine, where voters on Tuesday will decide whether to repeal a law that legalized same-sex marriage, was next, with gay couples heading up a little more than eight of every 1,000 households.

Although the report includes the first official estimates for the number of same-sex couples who call themselves wives or husbands, Gates said collecting accurate data on the marital status of gay couples remains difficult because of the hodgepodge of laws affecting their relationships. In addition, many couples may be reluctant to identify themselves as such if their neighbors, families and employers do not know they are gay, he said.

The Census Bureau has promised to produce a report on the marital status of gay couples after the once-a-decade national census is completed next year. However, the bureau said there was too little time to change the questionnaire to separate out legally married gay couples in the nationwide tally.

Caldwell, 56, married his partner of 34 years, Rev. David Farrell, 72, last year in June.

Spouses of employees fly free on SkyWest, but Caldwell claims the airline refuses to give his husband the free fares it provides to heterosexual spouses.

SkyWest, an equal opportunity employer, says Gilbert Caldwell’s husband is his “travel companion,” entitling him to fly at a discount rate but not for free.

Caldwell said, “I am asking SkyWest to give me the same benefits that they give my married heterosexual co-workers.”

State law entitles same-sex spouses and domestic partners to be treated the same as heterosexual married couples in employment, housing, insurance and commerce.

Tara Borelli, Staff Attorney of the gay rights organization Lambda Legal, has been assigned to the case.

“This is a blatant violation of California law requiring that married same-sex couples be treated with the same respect and protections as married heterosexuals,” said Borelli.

“Travel benefits are an important part of airline employees’ compensation, and denying spousal travel benefits to married lesbian and gay employees is a denial of equal pay for equal work. SkyWest is telling Mr. Caldwell that his spouse doesn’t count and that his work is not as valuable as that of other employees. This letter is our final attempt to correct SkyWest and Delta’s clearly unlawful travel benefits policy before Mr. Caldwell proceeds to court.”

Borelli said Caldwell will sue for damages unless SkyWest changes its policy.

They were not sisters, as in siblings or nuns. They were partners of more than 15 years and they were making a difference in a their neighborhood in the Quad-Cities, Ill., where I worked as a reporter for a daily newspaper in the late 1980s and early 1990s.

Their neighborhood, their community, was managed by a local housing authority under the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, and Tricia and Keya’s goal was to make their public housing complex feel like home, to inspire others to care about home sweet home and to lobby HUD for the right to manage their residences, their community, their lives.

Sister Tricia and Sister Keya were vital to the neighborhood and to the movement, but one day I knocked on their door to interview them about a tenant-management issue and new occupants answered.

Sister Tricia and Sister Keya and their two children had been evicted for violating their tenant agreement, which allowed for family occupancy, but only certain kinds of family occupancy — a single parent with children, an extended family of blood relatives and a legally married couple with children.

Sister Tricia and Sister Keya were not sisters, and they were not married. They had no marriage license and, with no hope of securing one at that time, they lost their home, however transitional it might have been.

I’ve thought of Sister Tricia and Sister Keya many times over the years, wondering if they eventually settled in one of states where they now can marry, wondering whether they continue to organize and agitate, wondering how their children grew.

I thought of them last week when HUD announced a series of proposed initiatives that could dramatically impact same-sex couples and their families, whether they are seeking affordable housing assistance, buying a first home or needing help in their retirement years.

HUD Secretary Shaun Donovan announced that the department is submitting a proposed rule to make three changes to federal regulations.

The first involves including language that guarantees same-sex couples and their children are recognized as families covered by HUD programs, including housing assistance.

That hopefully would mean no more evictions of a same-sex couple from their home because they are not bound by blood or a marriage license.

The second change would require organizations that administer HUD grants to abide by state and local laws prohibiting discrimination based on gender identity and sexual orientation.

The third change would emphasize that creditworthiness — not sexual orientation and not gender identity — is to be considered in the awarding of mortgage loans insured by the Federal Housing Administration.

A fourth proposal, though not a change in the federal regulations, would result in HUD conducting a nationwide survey of housing discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity.
Donovan said the process to change the federal regulations would begin immediately and the survey is on the fast track.

The national survey would be the first of its kind, but prior studies at state and local levels show a pattern of housing discrimination against same-sex couples.

Two years ago, Michigan’s Fair Housing Centers examined bias based on sexual orientation using testers — some of them posing as same-sex couples and some as opposite-sex couples. The couples were paired, with the same-sex couples having better credentials — higher income, larger down payment, better credit — than the opposite-sex couples.

The testers inquired about rental housing, homes for sale and financing options. They tested housing opportunities in rural areas and metropolitan centers, small towns and cities, college communities and suburbs.

“Testing by the Michigan Fair Housing Centers uncovered widespread discrimination against same-sex couples,” the study states.

In one out of four tests, there were disparities in how the couples were treated. The study found same-sex couples were given higher rental rates and that opposite-sex couples received more encouragement to apply for housing.

The Federal Fair Housing Act of 1968 bans discrimination based on race, color, religion, national origin, sex, disability and familial status in the rental, sale, and financing of housing. Congress is not on the fast track to amending that law, leaving a patchwork of protections in states and localities, leaving LGBTs sometimes literally out in the cold.

HUD’s work to roll out the welcome mat provides some comfort.

Statistical problems related to the development of the 2010 census form and the evolving legal state of same-sex relationships led Census officials to conclude that trying to include married gay couples in the overall snapshot of household marital status could yield an inaccurate number, said Gary Gates, a University of California, Los Angeles demographer who has been advising the bureau on gay issues.

Instead, same-sex married couples will be added into the category for unmarried partners, just as they were for the 2000 census. But in a marked policy departure, the agency plans to make the data on same-sex couples who described themselves as married available on a state-by-state basis.

“The Bureau has decided to give us the information, but be a little cautious,” Gates said.

The decision to develop separate sets of numbers was a compromise position that was “less about politics and more about accurate data,” he said.

Gates stressed that it was important for gay couples to participate in the census, noting that information drawn from the last one had been used in lawsuits dealing with same-sex marriage and to lobby congressional representatives who may wrongly assume they do not have many gay constituents.

Because same-sex marriages were not legal in any U.S. state a decade ago, the 2010 census is the first for which the bureau has wrestled with how to count married same-sex couples. In June, census officials announced that they would make the attempt, reversing an earlier decision made under the Bush administration.

Since then, however, it’s become clearer that a wildly inflated number could be produced if the number of heads of household who said they lived with another adult of the same sex, and described that person as a husband or wife, were only counted.

Some couples in civil unions or domestic partnerships, or who live as spouses in states where gay couples have no spousal rights, have tended in past surveys to identify themselves as husbands or wives anyway, according to Gates.

The annual American Community Survey the bureau produced for 2008, for example, had 150,000 married same-sex couples spread across every U.S. state, even though only two states – Massachusetts and for a 5-month period, California – allowed same-sex marriages. Gates estimates there are probably no more than 35,000 legally married gay couples in the country now.

Undercounting same-sex couples also remains a significant concern, Gates said, since some couples may not be living openly and fear discrimination.

Tim Olsen, assistant chief of the bureau’s field division, told gay community leaders at a census outreach meeting in San Francisco Thursday that the agency is continuing to refine the way it counts same-sex couples and could have the ability to separate married from unmarried couples in time for future surveys.

“We have a big opportunity to create a picture of America that includes us. We are not invisible anymore,” Olsen said.

This census marks the first time that gays and lesbians have been targeted for minority outreach efforts that also include reaching out to groups deemed “hard to reach” because of their disaffection with the government.

The gay community campaign will include a Web site, scheduled to go up in about two weeks, called Our Families Count, as well as advertising campaigns in cities with large gay populations. Among the video vignettes meant to demonstrate the nation’s diversity on the main census site is one featuring a transgender person, Olsen said.

“You will see yourself in these videos, whether you are Hispanic, black, white, mixed-race, gay or straight,” he said.

Although the census has not attempted to count individuals who identify as gay, lesbian or transgender, they could be included in the next count or even future editions of the annual American Community Survey, Olsen said. The survey, which is much more detailed than the 10-question census form that will be mailed to every household in March, is designed to give state and local governments a snapshot of how their populations are changing.

Olsen said gay leaders need to keep advocating if they want to be recognized.

“In terms of 2010, we are set in stone. For 2020, now is the time to start doing what you do best,” he said.

Guadalupe Benitez, 36, of Oceanside, and her spouse sued doctors at North Coast Women’s Medical Group in Vista for discrimination in 2001. California’s highest court last year barred the Christian doctors from invoking religious beliefs, ruling state law prohibiting sexual orientation discrimination extends to the medical profession.

Attorneys for the doctors and Benitez said that they settled the case for an undisclosed sum of money.

The doctors said in a statement that they want all of their patients, including those who are lesbian and gay, to feel welcome in their medical practice.

Benitez has said the doctors treated her with fertility drugs and instructed her how to inseminate herself at home, but told her their beliefs prevented them from inseminating her.

One of the doctors referred her to another fertility specialist who didn’t have moral objections. Benitez has since given birth to three children.

“It’s been a long, hard fight to get to this point,” Benitez said following the settlement announcement. “But we know we’ve made a difference in the law that will help people in California and across the country.”

The statement issued by North Coast was encouraging, said Jennifer Pizer, Benitez’s attorney.

“It shows a journey that our whole society is taking together, away from intolerance and towards inclusion,” she said.

(Portland, Maine) Citing child welfare and their commitment to support what is best for children, physicians from the Maine Chapter of the American Academy of Pediatricians (AAP) today announced their support for the NO on 1/Protect Maine Equality campaign.

“Children who are raised by legally married parents benefit from the legal status granted to their parents. What is good for parents and families is good for children,” said Dr. Jonathan Fanburg, president of the Maine Chapter of the AAP. “The Maine Chapter of AAP is opposed to the referendum vote that challenges the marriage equality law.”

The Maine Chapter’s statement reads, in part:

“As physicians who care for children and their families, we are committed to supporting what is best for children. And there is no question that when their parents can marry, children are more protected legally and socially.”

“Marriage equality is the right thing for Maine’s children, and will strengthen and protect families who have lacked legal recognition for too long,” said Augusta pediatrician Dan Summers. “As pediatricians, we see how supportive parents — whether gay or straight — positively impact the development of children. That is why we oppose the referendum that would rescind the law that allows same sex couples to marry.”

A national report commissioned by the national AAP concludes that the legal status that marriage achieves “promotes healthy families by conferring a powerful set of rights, benefits, and protections that cannot be obtained by other means.”

(New York) Gay, lesbian and bisexual teenagers may be at higher risk of binge-eating and purging than their heterosexual peers, starting as early as age 12, a new study finds.

For the new study, researchers at Harvard University and Children’s Hospital Boston used data from a U.S. survey of nearly 14,000 12- to 23-year-olds to look at the relationship between sexual orientation and binge-eating and purging.

They found heightened rates of binge-eating among both males and females who identified themselves as gay, lesbian, bisexual or “mostly heterosexual.”

Among females, lesbian, bisexual and mostly heterosexual respondents were all about twice as likely as their heterosexual counterparts to report binge-eating at least once per month in the past year.

Bisexual and mostly heterosexual girls and women were also more likely to say they had purged in the past year in order to control their weight.

Among males, the highest risks were seen among homosexuals — who were seven times more likely to report bingeing and nearly 12 times more likely to report purging than heterosexual males.

Bisexual and mostly heterosexual boys and men also had elevated risks of both problems — with rates anywhere from three to seven times higher than those of their heterosexual counterparts.