Many years ago, I thought I was entering it for the right reason, but maybe I just wanted the white picket fence. I now have comfort, companionship, mutual friends and a “couple’s life,” but I stopped finding my partner attractive. The sex evaporated long ago. I still crave passion and sex, but just don’t want it with my partner.

Online, I have met someone new; we have chatted and phoned for months—and despite our having never physically met, I’m in romantic love with him. He offers the spark that I’ve been missing. Should I leave and go for this missing self actualization, or try to repair a relationship that is only 80% there, knowing that my heart does not feel the same passion?

—Spark Plugged

Dear Spark Plugged,

In gay and straight relationships alike, it’s common—and normal—for sexual and romantic desire to diminish and ultimately evaporate, as it did in yours. The problem is that nobody tells us this!  In fact, the popular media lie to us. Movies, songs and TV reality shows all focus on only the beginning of relationships which is romantic love. They don’t bother to mention that they are celebrating only the first six to 18 months of the typical relationship. After that hormone-driven push, we settle into a comfortable routine. We become more like friends than sexual lovers—and that transition takes effort.

It doesn’t take work to be lovers and be sexy to one another at the beginning. Nature give us a boost with infatuation (or as the late psychologist Dorothy Tennov called it, limerence) — love’s initial, exciting phase when chemistry dominates. Limerence occurs in the beginning when your relationship feels intense, emotional and passionate. Some cultures do not trust it or even aspire to it, because they understand that limerence, by whatever name, cannot last—and nor should it determine with whom you decide to partner. Its entire purpose is to help us attach to that significant person.

Also, it’s naturally supposed to end—but no one tells us.

But I am telling you that after limerence ends, the real work of a relationship begins. Problem is, so many people won’t, and don’t, do the work. Instead, they settle for the mundane, endure continuous conflicts, or have affairs—which it sounds like you’re engaged in with this person online. I call that a relationship exit, a way for individuals to take conflicted energy about their partner and direct it outside of their relationship.

An exit can be any behavior or action that distracts you from problems or the lack of feelings within your relationship. Exits can include working long hours at your job, getting overly focused on children or pets, sleeping, watching sports on television, the ever-popular drinking and drugging—anything that coaxes you to devote more attention to it than on your relationship. Right now, your exit it is an emotional affair. Given what we know about romantic love, you are experiencing limerence with this person you met on the Internet.

No ongoing long-term relationship can compete with romantic love. Whoever you’re infatuated with will always outweigh the mundane, less impassioned partner. That said, I do recommend you end the emotional affair. It will simply trump all the good you do have in your relationship and distract you from knowing whether your current partner is right for you.

Why don’t you want sex with your partner? So that you can clearly know the reasons, I recommend you close your exit and focus on what you have in front of you. To figure this out, the best way is to talk to your partner. Admit your feeling that things have grown stale, and that you want to resurrect sexual desire and passion. Yes, it can be done! Plenty of books explain how to bring back passion. Unfortunately, I don’t know of any gay or lesbian books that address to this. However, there is one great book, even though written primarily for to straight couples, is Tammy Nelson’s Getting The Sex You Want (Quiver Books, 2008).

Good luck, and remember close your exit. End the distraction so that you can focus clearly on what you really do want out of what you already have.

Joe Kort, MA, MSW, is a psychotherapist and Board Certified Sexologist who specializes in gay affirmative therapy, relationship therapy, sex therapy and sexual addiction. He is the author of 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love, and  Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician.  He provides workshops for gays and lesbians as well as trainings for straight clinicians around the country. His website is www.joekort.com.

We’re both 50ish and have each had previous long-term relationships. He’s clearly uncomfortable-in fact, aggressively unwilling-to discuss any substantive relationship issues.  He habitually answers my question with a question–even if I simply ask what he might like to do on any given day.  He interrupts, talking over what I say if he doesn’t want to hear it.  He pulls “facts” out of thin air, adamantly refuses to check them, and will put words in my mouth, too!

I’m sure I can be accused of being a know-it-all, but it’s hard to avoid growing annoyed when I can’t get a straight answer.

We do love each other and value our commitment to each other.  He’s great in the crunches, while I’m good at faithful long-term support. But our day-to-day desperately needs improvement, and I suspect our long-term relationship depends on it.  And, no . . .  he’s not willing to do relationship counseling, because he doesn’t see any problem!

Help.  Please.  And thank you.

-Dissatisfied in Beaverton

________________________________

Dear Dissatisfied,

Most couples’ problems stem from poor communication. When the process breaks down, so does emotional safety. Once emotional safety diminishes, it’s hard to feel connected to your partner, making the long-term health of your relationship progressively worse. You’re right to feel that improvement is greatly needed.

The main obstacles to communication-interrupting, interpreting, reactivity and defensiveness-all get in the way of partners relating to each other.

The problem is that when most couples argue or have a conflict, they don’t have dialogues that would let them communicate, they exchange monologues. I call it the shoot-and-reload technique. While one partner is “shooting”-voicing judgments, reactions and negativity-the other partner isn’t really listening. Instead, he’s “re-loading,” thinking up judgments, reactions, and negativity to shoot back.

Essentially, your partner is trying to convey a message. Most often, you’re sitting in your own reactivity, waiting your turn-not truly listening or hearing your partners’ point of view.

When you say that it’s a two-way process, you’re absolutely correct. I am glad that you own responsibility for your part of the problem, since that makes communication all the more hopeful. Most people see their partners as being at fault and don’t admit their own contributions to the nightmare brewing between them. For most issues in any relationship, both partners are accountable.

Even if your partner won’t go to counseling, you can bring the therapy to him. As long as you’re willing to take initiative for finding help and bringing solutions to help the relationship-and he is willing to make an effort toward resolving conflicts-that’s all you need.

The Intentional Dialogue, a technique I learned from IMAGO Relationship Therapy, transformed my work with couples and helps them communicate. It’s a wonderful communication exercise that I use with almost every couple I treat-including my own relationship with my partner.

Intentional Dialogue has three parts-mirroring, validation and empathy, and it involves and receiver.

One partner, the Sender, offers information-on one topic, in short declarative statements starting with “I . . .” until entirely finished with the thought. The Receiver doesn’t interpret, diminish or amplify the message, but simply reflects back what was said, until Sender says, “There’s no more.”

Deceptively simple, isn’t it? For example, if your partner asserts, “The moon is made of cream cheese,” you-as Receiver-reply, “I heard you say that the moon’s made of cream cheese,” and then add, “Did I get that right? Is there more?”

“Yes,” your partner might say, “and when they build a spaceship to the moon, I’m going to go up there with a big Tupperware bowl and spoon and get all the cream cheese I can get!” Then you respond, “So when they create a spaceship that takes humans to the moon, you’re going up there to get all the cream cheese you can! Did I understand you? Is there more?”

Some people complain that this sounds too mechanical and contrived-even condescending. I agree, it is mechanical and contrived, but not condescending-as if you replied, “Of course the moon isn’t made of cream cheese,” thus imposing your reality (even if it is the reality) onto him. Problems arise when we try to correct, interpret and judge our partners, so the Intentional Dialogue has us follow their line of thinking, not ours!

This Intentional Dialogue counteracts critical and judgmental behaviors like dominating a conversation, interrupting, interpreting what you think he’s really saying, finishing his sentences, or remaining close-mouthed and not paying attention By closing off all these bad approaches to communication, the Intentional Dialogue sets it up so the Sender can be heard and the Receiver can actively listen.. Dialogue continues.

I recall when my partner and I first learned about this Intentional Dialogue. Were Mike and I in such bad shape that we’d have to converse like this for the rest of our lives? Then it wasn’t worth it! Yes, it did feel tedious and mechanical-and it is! But after practicing it for a while, we found that we understood each other more accurately, more thoroughly. We now use it only if we’ve become too reactive. But it’s saved us from a lot of arguments that would have otherwise spun out of control and leave us hurting each other’s feelings.

We don’t Dialogue Intentionally all the time, and neither will you and your partner. But if you practice it, when issues come up, you’ll have an effective tool to keep your conversations calm, connected, and meaningful.
After having heard your partner, you-as Receiver-validate him by nodding. “What you’re saying makes sense. I can understand why you’d feel this way.” You’re not agreeing with his point of view, simply validating it-affirming the way he views the world. Yours isn’t the only way to view any conflicts in your relationship!

In our society, what makes one person right makes their opponent wrong. Again and again, we gays and lesbians have been told that what we think and feel is wrong, so this kind of validating can be hard. Telling someone, “That makes sense” can feel like a stretch, especially when you don’t agree. All you need is to temporarily suspend your point of view and let your partner’s reality surface-for you both to consider. You maintain your own opinions, while validating his.

This technique has helped many couples I have counseled, and I hope it works for you.

Joe Kort, MA, MSW, is a psychotherapist who specializes in gay affirmative therapy, relationship therapy, sexual addiction and sexual abuse. He provides training to straight clinicians around the country and is the author of 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love, and Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician.  He is an adjunct professor at Wayne State University, teaching gay and lesbian studies. His website is www.joekort.com

It’s never a good sign when having crabs is a better option.  There are a few things you should know.

First, your landlord may have no idea that your home has bedbugs.  The former tenants may not have known, or never  the notified the landlord and it’s always possible that you brought them in. You may have picked them up at a hotel or they could have been brought in by an animal.  Instead of playing the blame game, work together to get rid of the problem before it gets worse and spreads.

Contrary to popular belief bed bugs they are not attracted to filthy homes only.  They feed on the blood of human and warm-blooded animals.  When you inspected the apartment it would be almost impossible to detect them. They can hide in a crevice the thickness of a credit card.

Some people use a bed bug sniffing dog to detect them.  This is helpful, but not 100% accurate.  You can have a pest control company do a thorough search.

How to find them: They are flat, brown little buggers, that look like lentils.  They rarely appear during daytime hours.   Often spotted in the crevices of a mattress, in a box spring, bedding towels, shower curtains, pictures, within books, the folds of drapes. They tend to stay close to the host that they feed on. Bedbugs feed every five to ten days.

Bed bugs can be spotted by the dark spots they leave behind, it’s their excrement.  If you have light colored sheets they’re easier to detect. Sometimes you may crush one after it’s fed and you will discover the blood. Keep a flashlight next to your bed and check in the wee hours, getting up to turn the lights on gives them time to run scamper off and hide.

Most people discover them from the bites that swell on the body within 24 hours.

Getting rid of them: Professional extermination, vacuum every single crevice, sanitize sheets and all clothes in a dryer at 120 degrees or higher.  Have your mattress professionally steam cleaned.  The steam will kill them on contact. If you’ve been meaning to get new bedding, now is the perfect time!

Seal any entry-ways in an attic as they can be carried in by a bird or mouse. Calk up cracks in walls. Spray Neem oil on carpets, curtains and mattresses. Neem oil is made from the seeds of the neem tree it has been used safely for thousands of years in India as a natural insect repellent.

Who’s responsible: Laws vary widely by city and state.  As you are a renter, research the laws in your location on who is responsible to eliminate them.

Most every city has a tenants’ rights organization you can consult. At the end of the day, you also have a responsibility to deal with the infestation.

Report it promptly (make sure to keep a paper trail), agree to and work with your landlord to all extermination methods. If your landlord is not responsive you may need to contact city authorities, and doing so as a group, or as a bunch of individuals, might be more effective. Keep a detailed log. Save receipts of all expenses. Get medical records of bites. Consult an attorney to send a letter requesting to break lease and see what money may be returned to you if the issue is not dealt with.