Rachel kicked off with the surprising news that President Obama has rejected all four of the troop options he had been considering for Afghanistan, thus invoking the little-known fifth option: “Nyaaaaaah.”

Karl Eikenberry, the current U.S. ambassador to Afghanistan and a retired Lieutenant-General who served two tours of duty in Afghanistan, had been sending urgent messages asking Obama not to send more troops.

Which, yeah, would give one pause.

According to Eikenberry, the government corruption in Afghanistan is apparently too massive to make a simple troop surge work.

Which is, in its own special way, impressive. Say what you will about Hamid Karzai, you have to admit he is no ordinary leader. Maybe they’ll put his face on currency one day.

Or name a variety of poppy in his honor.

Fear not: There will be more war news to make you frustrated and cranky later on.

Feel the Coburn

President Obama attended Veterans Day ceremonies on Wednesday and Rachel took a moment to run through the improvements the past year has brought for veterans in the U.S.

Rachel pointed out that “be in favor of taking care of veterans” is an easy political rule of thumb.

Unless you are Senator Tom Coburn (R – Oklahoma).

You will be astonished to learn that Senator Coburn was only in second place on Rachel’s political pucky list.

Be afraid, Pete Hoekstra. Be very afraid.

From Islamabad to Worse

Rachel moved on to the thorny problem of fighting the Pakistani Taliban while also worrying about loose nukes. And nukes in general.

Seymour Hersh of The New Yorker brought up the interesting point that we shouldn’t necessarily assume that both sides look at an agreement the same way.

Only 15,987 more broad-based cultural assumptions to go!

Scozzafavication

If your name were to become a verb, what would it define?

(I have a nagging feeling “Davising” would be realizing in the middle of excitedly telling someone about a fascinating nerdball thing you’ve just learned that the population to whom it’s fascinating is exactly you, and then descending into uncertainty about whether you should soldier on and finish telling the other person about the thing while he or she makes Polite Face just so it’s something close to a normal human interaction or spare you both precious seconds by awkwardly cutting yourself off or what.

Just a guess.)

A woman who knows for sure what it means to have your name turned into a verb is New York State assemblywoman Dede Scozzafava, who was running a perfectly good, odds-on successful Republican Congressional campaign until the far right decided to help out.

Well, OK, not really help out.

The far right noticed that Scozzafava did not want to abolish roads and schools and just flat tax everyone a chicken and seemed surprisingly reluctant to call Barack Obama a Socialist Nazi Rosicrucian Thuggee Antichrist who will personally pilot a black helicopter to your house to infect you with the flu virus and then not give you enough vaccine for it just so he can have the pleasure of letting his death panel pull the plug on you.

So they took enough of a break for looking in clues about the New World Order in supermarket bar codes to run a conservative candidate, split the vote, and lose. But boy, did they make their point!

In the middle of all this was poor Ms. Scozzafava, who seems like a perfectly nice person with an actual grip on what’s going on in her district.

I liked the fact that when Rachel asked her if she’d switch parties, Scozzafava shook it off and asserted that, no, the parties really are different.

Not as different as I’d like, but it was still a refreshing change of pace.

Rachel Re: Hoekstra, Line, and Sinker

If you need something to be grateful for today, be grateful that you are not Congressman Pete Hoekstra (R – Michigan).

I’m guessing there was at least a part of yesterday when Hoekstra thought he was wriggling off the hook.

After all, Rachel had already dealt him a solid body blow on Tuesday night. He probably figured he we was at least past the worst of it, and maybe over the holidays people would forget that he’s a loudmouthed cameradoxie with no impulse control.

I wonder when it dawned on him that Rachel would be spending nearly eight minutes of airtime showing the world his dumbest decisions.

If you need something else to be grateful for today, be glad that you do not work in Pete Hoekstra’s office and thus do not have to make tense, overly chipper conversation about how it really wasn’t so bad, not really.

It was.

Rachel got us all fired up with the news that the Senate will start debating its version of the health care reform bill next week and Senator Harry Reid (D – Nevada) hopes to pass it by Christmas.

Wow. Six weeks? That is some Senatorial speed! Don’t throw your backs out!

The House bill, of course, passed over the weekend, with an endorsement by the American Medical Association.

But now there’s a controversy over whether the AMA should withdraw its support.

If you just involuntarily blurted out “Creepy fake grassroots lobbyists!” your cynicism levels are dangerously high, and you should consult with your doctor about rainbow and unicorn therapy before watching the clip.

I’m not saying you’re wrong, just that your cynicism levels are dangerously high.

If “consulting with your doctor” means looking up your symptoms on the Internet because you don’t have health insurance, DO NOT start the therapy regimen. You’re just going to end up so annoyed with the world that you’ll just end up giving the unicorn a noogie.

(Yes, that would hurt. You’re going to be that cynical.)

Newsweek’s agreeably crotchety Michael Isikoff dropped in to guide us through the muck.

Memorial at Fort Hood

President Obama and the First Lady attended services for the Fort Hood victims on Tuesday. In a horrific development, at almost the same time there was a multiple shooting in Portland, Oregon.

Condolences to the loved ones of everyone involved.

For Pete’s Sake

In the what-the-hell-happened aftermath of the Fort Hood shootings, Congressman Pete Hoekstra (R – Michigan) announced that Hasan had been corresponding with a radical Muslim cleric.

Which was an interesting development, since Hoekstra, a member of the House Intelligence Committee, seemed to be a wee bit ahead of the news curve.

And his announcement could have tipped the cleric in question off to the fact that he was being investigated.

Chris Hayes of The Nation checked in to talk about whether we can convince our country’s intelligence services to actually brief Congress if they’re just going to turn around and put everything into their comically misspelled Twitter feeds 20 minutes later.

Bottom line: If you have asked Representative Hoekstra to help plan a surprise party, join your fight club, or hang on to your sex tape, it might be time to rethink.

Bribe and Prejudice

Did you fail that test of your cynicism levels earlier?

Then just skip this next clip. It’s um, about how puppies are nice. But not cute puppies that you’d need to watch or anything. In fact, I forgot: It’s really about slugs. No need to watch at all.

Seriously, even if your cynicism levels aren’t dangerously high, this next story might peg them. It’s about Blackwater bribing Iraqi officials to literally get away with murder.

OK, watch if you must, but I highly recommend watching Bob Ross before and after. We’ve had enough unicorn pantsings around here.

OK, seriously: Why are they still on our country’s payroll? Why are they in Iraq instead of jail?

Get over here, unicorn. No, I just want to talk. Really.

Ms. Information

Rachel gave us the news that the D.C. Sniper was executed Tuesday night. His younger accomplice will be spending the rest of his life in prison.

Rachel noted that his attorneys wanted clemency granted on the grounds of mental illness, but the Commonwealth of Virginia is not big on death row clemency.

Rachel also reported that the Stupak amendment is still wreaking havoc among Democrats in both the House and the Senate.

(And I would like to report that if you call Representative Stupak’s office and explain that you would like to talk to the Congressman about your uterus since he seems to be so very interested in it, his staffers have been trained to suck all the joy out of the situation by not showing even a flicker of reaction. But it was still fun to hear the guy try to be polite while saying “And what would you like to say to him regarding that?”)

Senator Barbara Boxer (D – California), fresh off slam-dunking a climate change bill through committee, thinks there are enough pro-choice Senators to defeat Stupak-Pitts language should anti-choice Senators try to weasel it into their version of the bill.

Rachel noted that Senator Clarie McCaskill (D – Missouri), after taking an initial position that the Stupak amendment wasn’t so bad, has now tweeted her opposition. Though she’s not sure how she’d vote on the overall bill.

What I’m saying is that Congressman Stupak is trying to mess with our reproductive organs and Senator McCaskill is messing with our heads.

Rachel also gave us an update on Brazil’s massive blackout – the population affected was equivalent to Los Angeles and New York going dark at the same time.

Fortunately, Brazil is a seventeen-time winner of the Nation Most Likely To Have Fun During a Blackout title, so I think they’ll be OK.

GOP in Exile

Rachel gave us the sad news that the Tea Party is turning more and more into the Wonderland kind of tea party. They’re almost done with the shouting insane riddles part, which means they are only seconds away from trying to stuff each other into teapots.

An official Tea Party is now registered in Florida, but that has made other Tea Partiers mad because while they want to be a political force that can sway elections, they also want to be so independent that they aren’t an official political party at all. Because that’s just how mavericks roll.

New developments are expected sometime in March.

Rachel Re: Slave Drivers

OK, I’ll admit it: I just gave the unicorn a pink belly and a swirlie.

Cynicism rules and satire is dead. We have a pro-slavery, pro–child labor contingent in this country. Yeah, but it’s good for business, right?

Rachel isn’t having it.

Yes, I’ll apologize to the unicorn later. For now, let Rachel help drive the cynicism away.

Rachel started us off with an overview of the legislative poison pill that is the Stupak-Pitts amendment. Everyone set your clocks back 36 years.

Since they are so interested, ladies, please don’t forget to call Representatives Stupak (D – Michigan, 202-225-4735) and Pitts (R – Pennsylvania 202-225-2411) with daily updates on the state of your uterus.

Ask them for advice on feminine products, have them talk a younger loved one through her first period, or just settle in for a nice long uterine chat. Remember: They make up laws to control yours because they care so much.

Gentlemen, I don’t want to leave you out. Please feel free to call up Stupak and Pitts and speculate about what would be going on with your uterus if you had one.

This is a rare opportunity – Stupak and Pitts understand womanhood so well, they can probably give you some real perspective.

Right To Murder

Rachel reported that Scott Roeder confessed to murdering women’s health care provider Dr. George Tiller. He plans to use a “necessity defense” and try to put abortion itself on trial.

Rachel then ran through a few of the people in the anti-choice movement who have signed on to a “Defensive Action Statement,” which is essentially an attempt to justify killing people they disagree with.

I know there are people who are in anti-choice movement because they believe in the sanctity of life. I am waiting to hear the public statements in which they distance themselves from these vicious, coldblooded murderers.

And waiting.

How Joe Can You Go?

Joe Lieberman is still promising to kill health care reform, but has decided to win back the hearts and minds of a nation by jumping to rash conclusions about the Fort Hood shootings.

That and perfecting his ongoing Droopy Dawg imitation.

Rachel won 3,000 extra bonus points by working in the phrase “grandstanding uninformed preening camera time.”

For crying out loud, Democrats, take away Lieberman’s chairmanship.

Or at least his chair. Every time he tries to sit down, just take it away.

C Street Ban

Did you need a severe case of the heebie-jeebies?

How about a radical religious cult with members in both houses of Congress who believe women should be subservient to men and who wield enough power to push through astonishingly restrictive legislation?

Oh, and they are sooooo comfortable with the LGBT community.

Rachel welcomed author Jeff Sharlet, whose book The Family goes a long way toward explaining why American politics are the way they are, but is not recommended reading if you need a tranquil night’s sleep.

Best part of this segment: Sharlet gently suggesting that Stupak is something of an eejit.

A God-led government?

Does that mean irritating political figures would be afflicted with boils? Because I could maybe get behind that.

One More Thing:

C Street poster boy Senator John Ensign has moved out of C Street so as not to embarrass his roomies.

He then went around back and closed the barn door. Legends say years ago, the barn once held horses.

Rachel had a good time imagining C Street’s Craisglist posting for a new roommate. Are mistress payoffs included as part of the rent, or are they extra?

Ms. Information

Rachel reported that Fort Hood shooting suspect Major Nidal Hasan is conscious, off the hospital ventilator, and able to speak, though there’s no word yet on whether he has spoken about his motives.

There are reports that Hasan may have tried to contact Al Qaeda months ago, but most people are responsibly avoiding jumping to conclusions.

(Word on the street is that Lieberman jumped to his by standing on his chair. I’m just saying.)

Rachel also gave us a look back at the fall of the Berlin wall, including the bureaucratic error that started it all, secret spy tricks in the wall’s construction, and giant celebratory dominoes.

Normally I am a fan of the thorough TRMS reporting, but in this case I must register a harrumph. Not ONE shot of David Hasselhoff’s celebratory concert, Rachel?

Rachel also noted that genius businessman Rupert Murdoch wants to charge for his content. And is so ready to protect it that he wants to block Google from pointing you to it.

Because you’ll appreciate it more if you really have to hunt for it. Like the Illuminati or that secret bar at Disneyland.

Fringe and Purge

Rachel couldn’t resist reveling in simultaneous election nostalgia and anticipation and thus welcomed Ana Marie Cox (hooray!) for a look back at New York’s District 23 race and ahead at the coming Republican purges.

Rachel started us off with a look at the attempts to piece together what happened at Fort Hood and what we know about Major Hasan, the suspected shooter.

Fort Hood Stirs up Prejudices

Rachel noted that reactions to the shootings at Fort Hood have been very much colored by Hasan’s religion. And that’s just in the mainstream press.

FrontPageMag.com went with full-on bigotry, whereas WorldNetDaily hit a level of whack-a-mole conspiracy mongering that would make the Illuminatus Lizard People folks blush.

Rachel welcomed Suhail Khan of the Institute for Global Engagement, who I’m guessing is in for another challenging year.

GOPlan

The Republicans’ sensible bargain-priced health care plan costs $60 billion and eventually leaves even more people uninsured than there are now.

It kind of reminds me of when I was 22 and I bought “bargain” work shoes for my bartending job that fell apart almost immediately and had so little arch support that they left me literally crawling around my apartment after a nine-hour shift.

The difference between me and the Republicans is that I didn’t buy those shoes again, I didn’t try to talk anybody else into thinking my purchase was an awesome choice, and I didn’t spend days on end bloviating about how much I cherished the freedom to be in terrible pain and unable to reach my toaster oven.

Now Newt Gingrich (R – Your television, for ever and ever) and Governor Rick Perry (R – Secessionist Texas) are urging the Texas model of health care. (Warning: DO NOT BUY THOSE SHOES.)

We also got a soupçon of disingenuousness from Representative Michele Bachmann (R – The Land of 10,000 Lakes and Maybe One Lake of Fire) and a visit from Representative Anthony Weiner (D – New York) straight from the House session on the health care bill.

SPOILER: The health care bill passed on Saturday night, but not before the cheerfully insidious Stupak amendment was inserted at the last minute.

It’s being presented by conservatives as a simple amendment to stop federal funding of abortions, which is a lie. That language was already in the health care bill.

The Stupak amendment would stop insurance companies that participate in the public plan from offering abortion services – which means most will opt to drop those services rather than take a huge financial hit. Where’s that part where conservatives don’t want the government to interfere with business again?

The amendment will drastically reduce women’s options where it doesn’t cut them off completely. Which is totally awesome, because apparently restricting access to safe abortions instantly solves all the problems surrounding them.

If this little development infuriating to you, now would be the time to direct a few choice words at your Congressional rep. There is still time to get the language out of the bill.

One More Thing:

Rachel passed on the most fascinating bit of Capitol Hill gossip I’ve heard all year: Michele Bachmann’s chief of staff quit right before her rally for freedom, bloody Nancy Pelosi costumes, and proudly coughing for weeks at a time.

Apparently Ms. Bachmann runs through a lot of staffers, but that’s probably because it’s really hard to figure out how payroll should work when you keep discovering commies in the mix.

Ms. Information

Rachel reported that unemployment hit 10.2% and unemployment benefits finally got extended for up to 20 weeks.

Republicans had filibustered the benefit extension three times because they wanted to add an unrelated anti-ACORN bit. So, sorry if anybody got evicted, but at least a telegenic shouting issue got a little more time!

Rachel also gave us an update on census worker Bill Sparkman’s death that made at least one viewer say “The hell?” out loud.

Kentucky authorities are now suggesting that Sparkman wrote “Fed” on his chest, stripped nearly naked, blindfolded and gagged himself, duct-taped his ID to himself, bound his own feet and hands, and then somehow used the minimal hand movement he had left to commit suicide.

In a related story, Kentucky authorities are now “80% sure” that Julius Caesar and Rasputin also did themselves in.

And because she is a conscientious nerd, Rachel issued a correction on herself.

On Thursday, Rachel made fun of Congressman John Boehner (R – Ohio) for whipping out his not-at-all-a-prop portable copy of the Constitution and then – Oopsie! – quoting the preamble to the Declaration of Independence.

(Sometimes, when you are overwhelmed by sincere Patriotism, your passion will jump documents. Be very careful about quoting historic national texts if your are standing near any of Benjamin Franklin’s less formal discourses.)

Rachel, in her zeal, had said that the Constitution doesn’t even have a preamble, which of course it does.

She made it up to all of us with a little help from Schoolhouse Rock.

GOP in Exile

Rachel looked at the sad, lonely case of Governor Charlie Crist (Florida), who was one of the Republican governors reasonable enough to admit that his state could use a little federal stimulus help.

Now, however, the far right wing of the Republican Party is trying to hunt down and eat any party members who don’t automatically scream “Government BAD!” every time their shock collars go off, and Governor Crist is getting a little nervous.

So nervous that he is now saying he has always hated that darned stimulus package.

So nervous that he has forgotten about the existence of videotape and the Internet. Oh, dear.

Cloudy with a Chance of Baloney

Senator Barbara Boxer (D – California) demonstrated her black belt in political badassery by getting the climate change bill out of committee without a single Republican vote. Apparently she’s the only Democrat who has figured out that the Republicans don’t actually want to help with anything.

(Senator Boxer, can you signal to the others, somehow? Semaphore? Notes in invisible ink? Saying it out loud?)

After reminding us all that Senator Inhofe (R – Oklahoma) wants to bring a Truth Squad to Copenhagen (Pleeeeeeeease let there be tights and capes!), Rachel gave us a bit more of her talk with former Vice President Al Gore.

Gore surprised everyone by doing the interview while sitting in an idling Hummer, cooking up a steak with a portable hair dryer, and insisting on a new plastic knife and fork for every bite.

One More Thing:

Ever wonder what to do when everyone is sitting around after a big Thanksgiving meal? Have you been looking high and low for something that’s fun and appropriate for all ages?

Search no more! Coal coloring books are here!

Rachel once again did separate 9:00 and 11:00 broadcasts as she tried to sort out Thursday’s tragic and baffling events at Fort Hood.

As of the first broadcast, almost all that was known was that the shooting suspect is U.S. Army Major Nidal Malik Hassan, a military psychiatrist, and for much of the first broadcast he was believed dead.

A press conference with Lieutenant General Bob Cone clarified the matter, but raised more questions about the flow of information.

Rachel spoke with Danny Coulson, a former Deputy Assistant Director of the FBI.

Murder in the Military

In trying to figure out how and why something like Fort Hood can happen, Rachel and Salon.com’s Mark Benjamin took a disturbing look at similar incidents in the past and the possible strain that can be involved in helping soldiers deal with the trauma of combat.

Fort Carson murders

Rachel continued with an unsettling piece on the extent to which proper mental health support is just not available to returning soldiers.

Lee Christopher Smith of Rolling Stone joined Rachel to talk about Fort Carson in Colorado, where 14 soldiers have been charged with murder in recent years.

Republican Option

In a story that was fun much earlier in the day, Representative Michele Bachmann led her “emergency house call” for the teabaggers on Thursday, and she continues to think it’s adorable to use violent rhetoric and imply that it’s time to overthrow the government.

Are we sure that Bachmann knows she’s a part of the government? I can’t tell if she’s really that loony or if she can just be induced to say absolutely anything when she thinks she’s on a roll.

Anyway, apparently it’s super-patriotic to encourage people to be belligerent toward their elected representatives and litter in the halls of the Capitol.

If you ever get invited over to Bachmann’s house for tea and crazy, make sure to tear up papers and throw them all over her foyer. She loves that.

I guess it’s a good thing that Bachmann is cute and thin enough for Levin’s political standards or the day could have been awkward, huh?