I was at a playdate with my son last week, talking with his friend’s straight parents. They are very liberal in their politics, completely accepting of our family, and have other LGBT friends. Still, when the conversation turned, as it does this time of year, to taxes, they had no idea my spouse and I still had to file our federal taxes as “single.”

I have encountered such responses before. It never ceases to surprise me, though, that people I would consider strong allies did not already know this dual nature of married same-sex couples.

All I can figure is that the idea of a person being both married and not married is so baffling to most people that it never crosses their minds. I am likewise amazed that many do not realize that there are states where gay and lesbian people still cannot adopt, or where people can be fired for their sexual orientation or gender identity.

Once again, I realize that the current communication challenge for the LGBT community is as much about better informing our allies as it is about railing against our adversaries. In states where marriage is legal, there is a danger people will think we have it all already. Even in places with lesser rights, where we can still get partner benefits through our employers and certain protections with legal paperwork, people may not understand what more we still lack.

Until they do, true equality will remain beyond reach.

Many in the LGBT community make the point that we should not refer to “gay marriage” or “same-sex marriage,” because it implies that those marriages are somehow different, in need of a qualifier, when in fact the idea of two loving, committed adults is exactly the same. I agree, and try to follow this guideline in my own writing. Still, there are days when I want my wedding ring to be shaped like an asterisk, so I can tell people it refers to the fine print: “Void where prohibited.”

How can we begin to educate our friends and colleagues, though, without awkwardly bringing up LGBT rights in the middle of an unrelated conversation? It turns out we have the perfect segue this time of year.

As tax forms begin to hit our mailboxes, lunchtime chatter about accountants and TurboTax offers plenty of opportunities to mention the ongoing federal inequities.

Explain the rigmarole of creating a dummy “married” form for the sake of filling out your state form, the hassle of running multiple scenarios in TurboTax to determine who claims your child as the tax deduction, and the fact that same-sex spouses cannot contribute to an IRA for the other if one of you leaves employment to stay home with your child.

If their eyes haven’t glazed over by that point, you can mention the burden of having to pay income tax on the medical benefits provided to one of you through the other’s employer.

Do a back-of-the-envelope calculation: Take a few hundred dollars a year in income tax on health care benefits, increase it by, say, five percent a year to account for increasing health care costs, assume an eight percent interest rate if one had invested that money, and that’s a loss of over $70,000 after 18 years, a significant chunk of a college fund.

Not all people in same-sex couples rely on a spouse or partner for health care benefits, of course, but parents are more likely than others to have one member of the couple out of the workforce for at least a few years. In a time of high unemployment, too, the likelihood of one person needing health benefits from the other rises even if they do not have kids.

As important as it is to challenge those biased against LGBT families, it is equally important to work towards strengthening our allies. It is not enough that they agree with the need for equality, though that is a start. We must help them understand the specifics of how inequality hurts us and the fact that it still does so, even as marriage equality continues to spread.

We must also make sure to convey that LGBT rights don’t begin and end with marriage equality, but extend to employment protections, anti-hate crimes and anti-bullying legislation, adoption rights, transgender rights, and more.

President Obama has stated on the new Whitehouse.gov site that he believes in a broad slate of rights for LGBT people. We need to hold him to this, and ensure that our allies support us as informed citizens who can reach out in their own ways to spread the word and push for change.

How can we do this? We must talk with our colleagues and neighbors at playdates, soccer games, and in the supermarket. We must be on the lookout for ways to begin the conversation, whether by connecting about taxes, parenting, or the new Obama administration.

In a less personal but still useful vein, we can leave comments on mainstream parenting and personal finance blogs, Facebook groups, and other online forums. As important as it is to educate about blatant homophobia, we must also make sure to convey the less obvious inequities that may escape the view of those who don’t live with them on a daily basis.

We have made much progress, but there is more to be done, and we can’t do it alone. Let’s make educating our allies a key goal for 2009.

Dana Rudolph is the founder and publisher of Mombian, a blog and resource directory for LGBT parents.