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Loading ...Neff: What other people think
The woman seated behind me hissed.
“Dyke,” she muttered with obvious abhorrence for a stranger, an assistant state’s attorney who walked into the courtroom and took a seat at the prosecution’s table.
I was covering a routine session to review felony cases at the local courthouse.The assistant state’s attorney was on hand to update the judge on the status of her cases, as well as to negotiate pleas with defense attorneys.
It turns out the hisser behind me was in the courtroom hoping for a lenient plea on a felony drug charge.
Reporters, with notebook and recorder in hand, can listen to conversations in public settings without qualms about eavesdropping.
So I listened to the hisser and the chum who accompanied her to court.
“Dyke,” she snickered.
Her friend paused, seemingly uncomfortable with her mean-girl attitude, but offensive in his own way. “I give everyone the benefit of the doubt,” he replied.
He said he used to bother trying to guess who is, who isn’t, but “anymore you can’t tell.”
“You can tell with her,” the woman replied with a superior air.
The conversation turned to a new subject — her trials and tribulations in the court system.
I would learn, from her confessions and admissions to her friend, that the woman with the haughty attitude is a repeat felon.
She is a drug addict.
She is a bad mother in the midst of a custody dispute.
She is looking at up to six months in jail, and has been to jail before.
She is facing federal charges of lying to a law enforcement officer and interfering with an investigation.
My, my, she does have cause — if anyone did — to sneer and snicker and reign high-and-mighty over another woman with a short haircut and wearing a wrinkled shirt and baggy suit trousers.
The mean-girl in me — she visits occasionally — wanted to pass a note to the assistant state’s attorney: “Say, this woman who wants leniency is making fun of you.” “Hey, this woman behind me, in addition to being a repeat felon who just admitted she’s guilty of what you charged with, is a bigot.”
I did not do that, though I know the hisser’s name and case number.
Instead, I met up with her outside the courtroom to tell her how hateful she sounded and to warn her that I so wanted to tell the assistant state’s attorney with whom her freedom might rest exactly what I overheard.
She listened, red-faced and pouty, and then stepped on the elevator to head down into the heat and humidity of Florida in August.
And I spent the rest of the Wednesday considering this woman who thinks that by reason of her sexual orientation — or by reason of another’s sexual orientation or perceived sexual orientation — that she is superior.
I wondered, as I read the news flash that Barack Obama had honored 16 individuals with the Presidential Medal of Honor, about the jeers, the sneers, the hisses that medal recipients Billie Jean King, the late Harvey Milk and the Rev. Joseph Lowery endured.
My mom says I worry too much about “what people think.”
While I don’t fret over whether someone thinks my hair is too short or my clothes are too baggy, I do concern myself with bigotry, with prejudice, with a woman who hisses hate at a stranger.
How does a person grow up to detest another because they love someone of the same sex, because they are black or white, Mexican or Irish, Catholic or protestant or Jewish?
The question is not easily answered with a dismissal that bigots are repeat felons with drug addictions and not to be recognized.
But the answer does escape me.
The answer is very easy, if you ask me. They are taught the hate and bigotry that escapes their mouths and heart. Now you know, and as some very cool cartoons from my day used to say, “And knowing is half the battle!”
May Goddess Bless Those Who Learn and Grow!
Blessed Be,
Rev. Draigh Lunara
@Yitzhak…let me suggest that you may not be receiving what Lisa said. She calmly confronted this woman with her own actions (something she was stupid enough to do in a courtroom), but she did make it clear that someone witnessed the action and someone was going to hold the woman to account. That’s the best way to silence a bully–short of beating them down, of course, which is often how they come by their, uh, avocation.
I’m more impatient with gay men saying “Ewww! FISH!” about women, because it’s far more common than “Ewww! Breeder!” Yes, it’s still a gesture of hostility, but both are rather childish (like you’re trying to impress the other 12-year-olds). Lisa didn’t call this woman any names, but the woman’s response was a clear indication that she KNEW she’d been caought doing something inappropriate. In a calmer setting, she might apologize for her comments, but her circumstances show all too well that there’s not much calm in her (drugs and legal problems are not a mellow existence).
Jeff, yes, letting someone else go first can be extremely healthy. Helps put a good note in somebody’s day. I think of times when somebody let me over in traffic, or let me go ahead of them at Costco…the fact that I remember it weeks or months later means it has more staying power than pettiness, which is my incentive for doing it for others. It makes life a little sweeter, and it’s so easy to do.
“How does a person grow up to detest another because they love someone of the same sex, because they are black or white, Mexican or Irish, Catholic or protestant or Jewish?”
Most of the time I find it is because they are unhappy with themselves, take no responsibility for their own actions and put people down in a whole host of ways in an effort to elevate/feel better about themselves.
I wonder, Ms. Neff, if you feel as inclined to confront anti-straight bigots when they “hiss hate” at strangers? The idea that sexual bigotries belong only to straight people would be laughable if it weren’t so sad. (I realize you have not made this statement outright, but you have implied it in your numerous blog posts regarding anti-GLBT sentiment on city streets.) I went to PrideFest this year and resolved to never go, ever again. Why? Because I’m sick of the anti-straight bigotry being displayed and cultivated by GLBT people. It’s equally wrong for GLBT and non-GLBT people to use sexual preference as a basis for judgment of one another. How is bigotry progressive, no matter which group you happen to be bigoted against? It’s not reverse bigotry, it’s just bigotry. Heh. The reverse of bigotry is open-mindedness.
Additionally, as you explained in this post, the woman in question (the one who was “hissing hate”) was facing drug charges, custody disputes, and potential jail time. I’m pretty sure that she was in no frame of mind to care about the woes of other people, or that she didn’t perceive her statement as being one of hatred, but of simple annoyance or impatience. In fact, she may actually be a lesbian, but not a dyke, a distinction which actually does exist within that group. And in that moment, you cared not about her plight or the fear she must have had about potentially going to jail, paying fines (she might not have the money), or anything else in her life this might affect. Instead, you chose to highlight her moment of poor behavior. The lack of sympathy that this woman displayed for complete strangers is the same lack of sympathy you displayed for her.
Jeffrey Barea said: “Who is the bigger person? The one that shows kindness or the one that needs to threaten because of a petty slight?” Indeed, this is a vital question to ask yourself, Ms. Neff. This woman used an epithet, she did not make a threat against anyone. You, on the other hand, admitted to doing just that: threatening another person. What are the actual results of either action? The woman upset your emotional state. You threatened her freedom. You might have to go home and write a blog post about it, but she might have to deal with court fines, losing her children, and/or going to jail. I wonder… is a moment of emotional superiority worth someone else’s custody battle, jail time, or even money?
@Jeffrey: I’m definitely not eating at your house. Or at least not steak.
I fall somewhere in between Jeffrey’s and Lisa’s reactions. I would tend to write this off as someone who is feeling pretty bad about themselves or their current situation trying to make themselves feel better by tearing down someone else. Much like someone who hits their thumb with a hammer, people tend to say ugly things in situations like that.
On the other hand, calling people on such behavior, making it clear that such things are socially unacceptable, is both vital and a successful strategy.
I tend to leave such things as I consider in the middle ground up to a situational evaluation.
I have to say though Lisa, that I found your confronting someone on the court house steps, if you will, quite impressive.
Learning that she was red-faced and pouty actually made me feel quite hopeful. Not too many years ago, I was a testifying witness in an assault in a Southern courtroom. When the perpetrators saw me walk in the busy room and take a seat in the full audience benches to wait for that proceeding, they began to hurl homophobic insults (and physical threats) at me from across the room loud enough to heard by everyone over the court’s business.
These guys ended up sentenced with probation (only because I showed up to be a witness). The “trial” lasted no more than two minutes. And their only defense was that they were good college boys who didn’t deserve to be punished harshly (not that they weren’t guilty -in fact they had been rampaging for a few weekends and were facing multiple other charges).
So, it seems nice to me to hear that people get red-faced and pouty now.
Why make this sound like some example of hatred?
Neighbors get into fistfights over whose dog pooped on whose lawn.
Women superglue or cut off penises of philandering mates.
Men stab forks into their brothers hands over the last piece of steak.
The education of humanity is not about a single issue or a single cause.
The way to react to these forms of pettiness is not with indignant outrage that results in petty discourse that is only intended to assuage that personal outrage.
In my town, on a road that is clogged with distribution centers and manufacturing concerns – every day at 5:15 pm the cars on the road without a stop sign will stop. Let a car from the road with the stop sign go. This is repeated as an act of courtesy until all cars on both roads have headed home from work.
Maybe that’s what is needed in situations like you experienced. Stop. Who is the bigger person? The one that shows kindness or the one that needs to threaten because of a petty slight? Me? I’ll let the next driver through and reserve my teachable moments for when it doesn’t include a threat.
That was really wonderfully put. No, we can’t write off the bigots or pretend they are any less dangerous than they are. Are there any answers?
I could care less what other people think and believe that they even have the right to SAY what they think.
They should also remember that others have the same right and just may feed those words back to them. With a heapin’ Southern fried side order of “whosajiggaWHAAAAT??!!?”
Ain’t our Democracy GRAND?
Good good essay/blog. Posted to fb and will tweet.
Also…very cute Alan…”I’m going to remember that one.”
A doctor that I use to work with years ago. Use to say that “you have to be careful with giving some people antibiotics …… you might kill one of their two brain cells”.