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Loading ...Corvino: Seven years, no itch
This column appears on the eve of my seventh anniversary with my partner Mark. Happy anniversary, sweetie.
Like many gay couples, Mark and I have multiple anniversaries. It was seven years ago that we had our first date—a date that we almost canceled due to the 9/11 attacks. It was five-and-a-half years ago that we moved in together, and three years ago that we exchanged vows and signed a bunch of legal papers merging our assets.I know some gay couples who mark their anniversary according to the first time they had sex. (It’s really none of your business, but it happened some time after the first date.)
And if—perhaps, optimistically, I should say “when”—Michigan reverses its constitution and permits same-sex marriage, we may have yet another anniversary to celebrate.
However we mark the years, they’re worth marking, celebrating, and reflecting on.
Mark and I actually met eight years ago, at a party at a mutual friend’s house. We hit it off well; we drank too much; we kissed. Mark called the next day, and we talked for nearly a half-hour.
The way he tells the story, I never called him back.
The truth is: I never called him back.
I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I was just coming off another relationship, knew that he was “husband material,” and wasn’t ready for something serious. Maybe it’s because he lived in another city at the time. Whatever the reason, in hindsight we both agree that the timing would probably have been wrong.
A year later, Mark moved back to Detroit. We bumped into each other occasionally, but it was awkward. To me, he was the cute guy I had kissed at the party but let slip away. To him, I was the asshole who never called him back.
I started pursuing him. He resisted, I persisted, he relented. Seven years later, I can’t imagine life without him.
People sometimes ask me what the secret is to relationship longevity. In response I quip “low expectations,” but I’m only half-joking. Mark is my partner in life. He is not my “everything,” and I am not his.
In my view, the idea that a partner or spouse can meet all of one’s needs, all of the time, puts way too much pressure on relationships. It’s a myth that fuels the “grass must be greener” mentality, which leads—often needlessly—to dissatisfaction, affairs, and divorce.
Some people are never satisfied in any relationship. A few months, or even weeks, in, they complain: “Something’s missing.” Often, such people don’t need a partner. They need a hobby.
I don’t mean to be glib about this. I consider myself very lucky to have found a wonderful man who thinks I’m wonderful too, despite how well he knows me. I’m not sure I could explain what makes us so compatible, but it works, and I’m grateful.
I’m grateful for someone who makes me laugh—often at myself, so I don’t take myself too seriously.
I’m grateful for someone who “gets” me. I’m grateful for someone I can be completely candid with—despite my quirks, my moodiness, my insecurities. I’m grateful for someone whose youthful spirit inspires me even while his constancy reassures me.
I’m grateful for someone who shares my values.
I’m grateful for someone who complements me, not in the “one man one woman” sense that our opponents valorize, but in a host of other ways equally deep and more meaningful. Someone whose ease alleviates my anxiousness; someone whose exuberance tempers my gravitas.
And for complementarity that really counts: I’m grateful for someone who can work the DVR.
For seven years I’ve shared my life with this man, learned from him, and grown with him. He’s made me a better person, and he makes me want to be better still.
Happy anniversary, sweetie. Here’s to the next seven-times-seven.
John Corvino, Ph.D. is an author, speaker, and philosophy professor at Wayne State University in Detroit.
For over 15 years he has traveled the country speaking on homosexuality and ethics. His writing has been featured in regional and national periodicals, at the online Independent Gay Forum, and in numerous scholarly anthologies. His column “The Gay Moralist” appears Fridays on 365gay.com.
For more about John Corvino, or to see clips from his “What’s Morally Wrong with Homosexuality?” DVD, visit www.johncorvino.com.
Congratulations! And if I might say, despite the christian right’s insistence, there is a bible verse that describes how you and your partner work so well together. It’s not in a ‘one man and one woman way’, it’s that ‘As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another’.
Best wishes, from a gay man raised as a christian, and much thanks to you for being a role model that morality – and with it even spirituality – can go hand in hand with homosexuality, despite what some people may say.
Happy anniversary, John, from another coupe who just passed the 20 year mark, and got married last month.
Think you can convince Mark to let you run a pic so we can see the face of this treasure?
C.
To Mark & John:
You are blessed to have each other. We posted a short video on YouTube under Caffection you have to see, we can tell you’re Caffected! Congrats.
Congrats, John! My partner and I have been together over 11 years and I too can’t imagine life without him. You are so right in what makes a relationship work. We’re partners, we aren’t fused at the hip, though. Instead of something missing with him, he completes that which was missing in myself. Hope you have many more (and we do too!)
John and Mark
Congrats on your 7th anniversary, I wish you both many more years of love and happiness together. By your column and Mark’s comment, it obvious your love will certainly last the test of time.
I’ve been with my partner and love of my life, Nick, for 29 years. We hope to go to California or Massachusetts on our 30th to celebrate in style and finally get married. Not that Florida will ever recognize ours, or other GLBT marriages, it’s always been our dream and that’s all that matters.
On day the Nay Sayers will realize that same-gender couples are in loving committed relationships for 7, 10, 20, 30 plus years. And most out last our heterosexual counter parts marriages. Maybe then they’ll finally put their time and efforts into preventing divorce and let us live our lives in peace.
My best to you and all the other same-gender couples who prove that love and commitment has no boundaries or gender.
You’ve expressed some of the very sentiments my partner and I have expressed to each other over the years. We’re only about half-way to the “itch” mark, depending on which anniversary date we use, and there will certainly be more anniversaries as we commit and/or marry in the future. Sending my partner a link to your article communicated my love for him, as it got me a kiss emoticon in return.
(And I’m hoping for a real one when he arrives home from work!) Thanks for the encouraging and enlightening words on relationships, and congratulations!
Congratulations on 7 years. Me and my Partner Rich just celebrated 15 years. We love hard, argue hard and I really could not imagine live without him.
Relationships are work,Full of ups and downs,but in the end,well worth it.
Congratulations, Mr. Corvino, to you and your’s. We can all learn from each of our successful relationships. Thank you for sharing your good news and allowing us to vicariously celebrate it.
A wonderful story and a beautiful tribute. All the best to both of you. bnr
Something I needed to read. Many thanks and congratulations Mark and John.
John,
This truely is a very touching story along with Patricks story. I don’t have a story like you guys, but I am wanting to be in a relationship like that. I found the guy I want to be with, but I am not sure if that’s what he wants. We have been together for a year but it has had a lot of bumpy moments. I am the care for others type, I worry constantly, and I try my best to make things better…he is irrational, sarcastic, but most of all I find him intriguing and smart! I do internally question my relationship sometimes because he is younger and still wants to be on the prowl. I do hope that we still share our lives with each other in the future.
Congratulations, Mark and John. You deserve our respect and my best wishes.
As someone who has been through that seven years (three times over and more) I remember how rewarding — and sometimes challenging — it can be.
Someone once told me “the first (seven) years are the hardest. They were wrong. Successful relationships don’t stop having challenges as they age, they only exchange old hurdles for new ones. What changes is that you now have seven years of confidence, trust, and experience in working with each other to meet the new challenges.
I encourage you and hope for you that you can use that experience and build on it to continue to enrich each other’s lives as you already have. Take it from someone who has been at it with his lover for 32 years (so far) it will be worth the effort.
And… It’s always useful to have someone in the house who can operate “that damned DVR” (that would be me.
)
I can’t imagine life without you either. I love you! Happy Anniversary!
M
Happy Anniversary Guys!
John,
They call him “Daddy”! We are approaching a new milestone in our lives soon in March (along with every other medical student in the U.S.) We find out where we are going to be living for 5 Years, and I really don’t care where we live. Let me take that back, I dont really want to live in a rural area! but other than that we are very happy. Life and love is about acceptance, change, and challenges. If you have those in your relationship, then you are good to go! I mean come on everyone has fights and arguments, but its just sad when people end their relationship over one fight or disagreement. anyway, all I wanted to do was to share my story and join John in the anniversary circle 
I just wish he was here with me, he’s away on rotation for another week.
I too met my Partner of now 6 years on 9/11/02. But not in person, we met online (gay.com) and had agreed to meet up on 9/12/02. We have been together ever since, it was a rocky start due to one of his best friends being in love with him. I took him aside and told him “choose someone, but I want you to listen to your heart” a couple days later he called and I could hear a deep sigh in the background and he said “I pick you” That happened on October 16. We have had our ups and downs just like any other gay couple. We have remained faithful to each other. We do have 2 kids from his previous marriage, and they love me unconditionally, they call me DAD!
All I can say is for six years, I’ve shared my life with him, and grown with him. He’s made me a better person, and he tries and never gives up to make me want to be better still.
Thanks for sharing your success story John. Many, many more years to you!