I’d forgotten about my early days of for-work-travel and out-of-town gay bars. I did exactly as you had, which was grab the phone book and search those very words; “gay”, “lambda” and “rainbow”. I’d also scan the names of bars listed under “Taverns” and one got good at trying to find the nuances in the names. Almost every town had a bar named “Back Street” – and indeed, most often, it was on some back street.

The idea of asking a Gap employee never entered my mind. However, a friend of mine used to call the police department and ask about the local gay bars. His thought was that the police would at least steer him clear of the less desirable places.

Its much easier these days – especially with the Internet, but even without, most city guides and the local alternative press readily list gay venues.

Now, as I’m in my forties, I have yard work and enough work around the house that an occasional beer on the front porch will suffice. When one of the gay neighbors walks past with his or her dog, we’ll chat for a bit, ask one another, “have you been out lately?” to which the answer is usually “no, you?”

Thanks for pointing out your old habits. I’d forgotten that they were mine as well.

I’m about your age and greatly appreciate your column.

I wish you a happy birthday, and hope you have many more.

If you weren’t married, I’d stalk you. But fear not, I’m no home wrecker. I’m happy for you, even if I want to boink you.

Back to topic:
After experiencing Detroit’s unbelievable homophobia as a teen, I’ve come to hate Michigan and the Midwest, though I’ll admit that attitudes have changed. I think that gays are now tolerated in Michigan, but just barely. The demographics of the state are ideal for homophobia, now more than ever.

I grew up in the UK and Belgium, where even in the 70s, no one cared about who was gay. The only thing aside from good looks that stood a chance of bolstering one’s popularity was intelligence: that’s right, smart people were cool. Kids are all kinda mean, but none as mean as Midwestern kids. Not even French kids. If you want to experience what I’m talking about, eavesdrop on a bunch of highschool kids in suburban Detroit and compare with the chatter of kids in Montreal. It’s a slap in the face. Sure there are cultural differences, but nothing that justifies the downright nastiness of American youts.

Returning to the US as a gay teen at the outset of AIDS, I was shocked to learn that the country I had always admired from afar, my homeland, was home to so much blind hatred. It existed in the lily white suburbs, and was worse below 8 Mile Road. I had no choice but to stay closeted. Even teachers used the words “fag” and “homo” in the classroom without consequence – and this at one of the state’s best high schools (thanks for that, Detroit Country Day School: I’ll never forget it! Talk about mens sana in corpore sano…). Radio stations (that’s you, WRIF) fanned the flames of homophobia with glee.

Only the worst of Detroit’s ghettos had gay bars, which were a lifeline to 14 year olds (with fake IDs) who naturally turned to hedonism as a way to deal with the hatred we encountered the minute we left our homes (luckily, there was no homophobia in my home).

I can’t help but think that if Detroit Country Day had a Gay-Straight Alliance club, I’d have been spared a lot of misery. If they had told us that our (obviously gay) favorite art teacher had died of AIDS (“kidney disease” they said…), perhaps teachers would have found better words than “fag” or “homo” to inculcate us with upstanding morality. Hopefully, it’s easier to be a gay student in Michigan.

As the suburbs have become more gay-tolerant, the city of Detroit has remained stubbornly anti-gay. As has the State legislature in Lansing – perhaps the only common ground between the two.

While I credit MTV and activists and scholars for the very real advances made, the Detroit area is not a fun place to be gay. or LBTQAI. In fact, it sucks.

You’ve got your work cut out for you. Good luck. You’re in one of homophobia’s last Northern bastions.

And it’s true. You don’t look 40. Midwest 40 is like coastal 60.