Comments on: Corvino: At wedding, gay PDA not OK

By: shibu

shibu — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 13:08:47 +0000

show me gay movies

By: Corvino fan

Corvino fan — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 05:36:15 +0000

John Corvino, I hope you talk openly about the kissing parity issue with your now-married friends (they of course exercised a privilege not allowed to us in 48 out of 50 states). I would ask: Were you and your partner intentionally not on the list?

Is not addressing or confronting this stuff not enabling, and contributing to and perpetuating inequality and homophobia?

As a gay man, you’d think I would be appalled to see a lesbian couple kiss. Right? Not so. Maybe I wouldn’t choose to be in the middle of it, but I would feel good about their loving each other, and expressing that love.

If the concern was anything close to possibly offending guests who “don’t approve of the homosexual lifestyle,” then that’s f*cked. Sometimes you really have to choose sides — to choose a position of integrity and stick to it. If Grandma doesn’t like it, that’s her problem.

Frankly, the whole “kissing contest at the wedding” thing sounds like a tasteless, uncomfortable, and poorly chosen activity to begin with… A little porny, even.

Relatedly, Ellen DeGeneres had a truly lovely slide show of her wedding with Portia D. on her TV show; the matter of love between them was quite unmistakeable; and yet – NO KISSING was shown. I strongly suspect that was, sadly, an intentional choice to not be inflammatory.

We have GOT to get past that kind of stuff.

A gay or lesbian kiss in public should be no more offensive or disgusting to straight people than seeing a physically unattractive straight couple kiss.

Again, we have GOT to past this stuff.

By: pjcquincy

pjcquincy — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 14:30:10 +0000

Well, I was OK with the perspective in this article until the whole rap about PDA. Part of the problem with current gay culture is its obsession with being accepted as ‘just like’ straight people. While I would defend anyone’s right to be affectionate in public within reason, I do not see the need to associate this right with the hollow institutional rituals of people who are determined to exclude and oppress us. And, if your relative places limits on your behavior at a family function, refuse to participate or participate and have your PDA moments anyway. Grow some balls.

Listen up! We have survived throughout history despite their attempts to stamp us out, as though we were vermin. We are strong in our identities. ‘We’ being those of us who courageously forged lives without their approval and acceptance. We managed to devise our own rituals and ethos, until the current gay political leadership propelled us into this cultural assimilation movement, based in concerns about tax laws, estate laws and money.

If we had politically forged domestic partnership policies in the states of the US, we would have had the support of countless heterosexual couples who also did not wish to emulate the traditional straight model of marriage.

While I have supported the current gay marriage agenda as a way to human rights, because I want future GLBT people to avoid the traumas of my own youth, I will continue to refuse to subject myself to the prejudice and rudeness of heterosexuals, no matter how subtle or unconscious. I respect myself too much.

By: Debora

Debora — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 12:30:45 +0000

All the other reasons aside. Our anniversary is sacred. I WOULD NEVER ATTEND a wedding, shower or other event on our anniversary. I would have declined and stated why. Not even a funeral unless it was very close family/friend.

By: David

David — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 11:26:46 +0000

When my only sibling got married to her husband, my mother took me to the side and asked that I toned down being around Tim (my partner). We have never kissed around them, held hands, even sit next to each other when we are around family prior to the wedding so I had no idea what she had meant. Then my mother had the gaul to request that Tim and I “were respective” to my sister’s wedding as if acknowledging we are a couple at all was insulting to the event.

I didn’t realize how painful that was until reading this article and reflecting on why I was out of place at my sister’s wedding.

I was already getting over the fact I wasn’t even in the wedding party and wasn’t even an usher but rather a show piece being in a kilt walking my mother down the aisle to her seat. I was then directed to a seat in the front, away from my partner for the ceremony. There is not one picture of Tim and I together from the reception.

Tim has come to Thanksgivings and Christmases with the family before, but as almost an observer/researcher deep in the safari, not as a creature of the environment. This has always kinda struck me as bad because it just reaffirms how different my family thinks I (and Tim by proxy) are and that different things should be ignored.

By: mike

mike — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 05:14:22 +0000

Your marrying friends may also have been trying to be sensitive to you and not put you on the spot in case you might have any hesitancies. But I agree that it kind of smacks of them not wanting to upset anyone that might feel uncomfortable with you and your sweetie smooching at their wedding. Ouch. Thanks for publishing your speaking dates. If you ever get to a city in northern Calif. I’ll try to catch you.

By: Sean Martin

Sean Martin — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 02:56:18 +0000

I’m not saying you should look the other way, but face it: life’s too short to worry what people will think. The newlyweds invited the both of you, not you “and guest” — and as such, you have the right (and obligation, actually) to show your couplehood… even when slow dancing. If anyone other than the happy couple complains, that’s their problem to deal with, not yours.

By: Joseph Gentilini

Joseph Gentilini — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 20:17:57 +0000

AMEN! Of course, when we had our 15th anniversary celebration in 1996, we invited gay and straight persons and if some straights were a bit uncomfortable with PDA, it was their problem. I only know of one man who voiced his “difficulty” with his wife.

By: Betty

Betty — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 19:48:07 +0000

I recently had a similar experience. I attended a wedding of a good friend with my partner of 10yrs. I was sad when they had a couples dance and all of the couples at our table got up to dance except for us. I vowed to never attend a wedding again until my partner and I can be married. We just received another wedding invitation in the mail the other day. I don’t want to attend because I dont want to be the only couple sitting at the table during the slow songs.
We will probably attend, though, because my friend deserves our support and love. She would certainly attend our wedding if it were legal.

By: Michael

Michael — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 16:20:05 +0000

As an ethicist I’m wondering what your take is on your duty to your partner and your obligation to your relationship as a couple. Frankly, I can’t imagine putting my partner through the situation you described. We’ve been together for over 20 years. And got together pretty much as kids (early 20′s.) We figured out pretty quickly that our relationship was going to be examined and defined in reference to heterosexual unions, presumably marriage. From the get go we realized this would put us on the losing end of the equation in the eyes of many and decided that our primary commitment was to one another. So it didn’t really matter what others thought. As long as we observed some simple rules that it: Never put anyone above the relationship unless by mutual agreement (He’s Latino so I accept that mami comes first in may situation for example1!) and never define yourselves by what others think of our union. The ethics we created for our relationship are obviously more complicated than that (exclusivity, loyalty, unconditional love and support etc.) But even without that type of codified agreement I would never put someone I love, or something I found important, in the situation in which you put your relationship. And in 20 years neither of us has.

Face it, all relationships require you to give something up in order to get so much more. The kinds of events you described, whether they are weddings, graduations, vacations etc, are toxic for a relationship of any kind when you factor in ignorance, self-centeredness, and fear. The truly moral person with a strong ethical compass who is committed to the relationship would never attend an event so perilous to the union. It forces you to be dishonest and forces you to put your partner in a submissive state (hmmm…no jokes!) to the event and the people being celebrated. Unless your ethics support that, you should have no problem. But it bothers you. So you must. And if that’s the case maybe you should do the moral thing next time you are invited to one of these gatherins and simply say: “Unless my relationship will viewed and treated in the same way as all of the other committed, long term relationships, I cannot attend.” If you see one variance from this, you leave…the idea is to celebrate their event but to do so your relationship must be minimally respected and recognized. Otherwise the balance is tipped too far in terms of potential damage to the two of you with no benefit except for filling an obligation. If the obligation is so important to the relationship’s survival, go ahead. I can think of few situations where that would be the case…

As a closing thought and a bit of a non-sequitor but important nonetheless: At the end of the day you were subjected to a highly discriminatory environment. We won’t take it fmor our government or employers. Why accept if from family and friends?