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Loading ...Corvino: At wedding, gay PDA not OK
Like many gay people, I have a love-hate relationship with weddings. On the one hand, I enjoy any excuse for a party, and what’s not to like about celebrating love and commitment with family and friends? On the other hand…
Well, where do I start?Let’s face it: weddings can be tense affairs. The gaudy pageantry, the forced smiles, the nosy relatives…there is, in fact, a lot not to like.
This is especially true given the tendency of some marrying couples to want to outdo everyone else by being “creative.” I remember one wedding—a gay wedding, as it happens—where, after the vows, the grooms hopped into a vintage convertible and drove off…
…for about 150 feet, at which point they abruptly reached the end of the property, got out, and walked back. (Not surprisingly, that marriage lasted about two months, so perhaps the short ride was an apt metaphor.)
I find straight weddings especially tense, given the contrast between “Isn’t it wonderful that these two have found each other and let’s all be incredibly happy for them” and “Not everyone knows that you’re gay so please don’t spoil this special day by bringing it up, okay?”
Never mind that you and your partner may have been together for years, and have plenty to teach the new couple. Never mind that love and commitment are supposed to be what we’re celebrating. We just don’t want you “making a scene.” So when the slow song plays, you’d better just dance with Grandma.
And that’s typically what I do. Not that I hide my gayness: I introduce Mark as “my partner” and when asked “What do you do?” I talk freely about my work as a gay-rights speaker and columnist. But there are limits, and slow dancing is generally one of them.
Last weekend I discovered another. Mark and I attended the wedding of a straight couple we have known for many years. Wanting to be “creative,” the couple added a new twist to the tradition of kissing whenever guests clinked their spoons against their glasses. They gave the emcee a list of select couples in the room, and for each round of clinking he chose one to show everyone “how it’s done” before the newlyweds followed suit. These demonstrations provided yet another opportunity for one-upmanship, as quick smooches made way for dramatic dips, lip locks, and even face licking.
In case you were wondering, Mark and I weren’t on the list.
At first I was frankly relieved by this, then irritated, then sad. The newlyweds are staunch liberals, highly educated, and committed to gay rights. They themselves would have no problem seeing us kiss—indeed, they attended our own wedding several years back. And I can’t say I blame them for not including us among the “example” couples. Supporting gay rights is one thing; giving Grandma a heart attack is another.
What saddened me was the stark reminder that gay public displays of affection still have the power to shock and disgust.
It wasn’t unreasonable for my hosts to be sensitive to that fact. I only wish they had been more sensitive to the fact that excluding Mark and me from their kissing game underscored the disparity. And it didn’t help that their wedding fell on our anniversary, which (absent other considerations) would have made our participation even more fitting.
Why get worked up over not being invited to participate in a game I found cheesy anyway? Maybe it’s because I’m a huge proponent of kissing. While I’m hardly what you’d call gushy, I don’t shy away from public displays of affection. I grew up in an Italian family where everyone—men included—kissed. Doing otherwise would be an insult.
I’m also a big believer in PDA parity. If the first person to leave a party at my house gives me a hug, I make sure everyone else gets one too—male or female, straight or gay. (I keep a mental list of obstinate “non-huggers,” and to them I extend a handshake: my goal is to make people feel affirmed, not uncomfortable.)
Mainly, though, I got worked up because I believe that our affection is valuable. It matters. Not just because it “feels good,” but because romantic joy is an ingredient in a life well-lived.
That’s something we celebrate at weddings. It’s something that, however awkwardly, our friends’ kissing game celebrated.
It’s something that we gays should celebrate too.
John Corvino, Ph.D. is an author, speaker, and philosophy professor at Wayne State University in Detroit.
For over fifteen years he has traveled the country speaking on homosexuality and ethics. His writing has been featured in regional and national periodicals, at the online Independent Gay Forum, and in numerous scholarly anthologies. His column “The Gay Moralist” appears Fridays on 365gay.com.
For more about John Corvino, or to see clips from his “What’s Morally Wrong with Homosexuality?” DVD, visit www.johncorvino.com.
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Catch John Corvino as he lectures on gay rights and debates same-sex marriage with Glenn Stanton of Focus on the Family:
September 18: Baldwin-Wallace College (Berea, OH) 7 pm Student Union
September 25: University of Alabama, Birmingham: 7:30 pm Alumni Auditorium
September 30: Concordia College (Moorhead, MN) 9 pm Knutson Campus Center-Centrum
October 6: Minnesota State University-Mankato 7 pm Ostrander Auditorium, Centennial Student Union
October 7: Northern Kentucky University (DEBATE) 7 pm Greaves Hall
October 9: Vincennes University (IN) 11 am Shircliff Theater
October 14: Bridgewater State College (MA) 2 pm Moakley Auditorium
October 22: Sienna Heights University (Adrian, MI) Details TBA
October 23: Western Michigan University (Kalamazoo) 7:30 pm Kirsch Auditorium
October 30: Canisius College (DEBATE) (Buffalo NY) 7 pm Regis Conference Room
I defer to David Weiser’s comment, perfectly said my point as well.
my mom used to say if I had candy, I had to have enough for everyone around me, or I had to put it away.
in similarity, with this wedding, they should never have played a game that everyone could not take part in.
I do not agree with boycotting the weddings of my friends and family. Ill boycott Applbees, Fox, Kraft Mayonaisse etc, but I refuse to not take part in one of the most important days in the life of those closest to me. Not everything we do in life is going to be a great situation.
I love this article. We need more writers that talk about being gay in a straight world. It’s something that straight people never think about.
For example, I’m constantly blowing the minds of intelligent friends by asking what sort of message “abstinence only” education sends to gay youth. Most states prohibit same-sex marriage, so these students are left feeling like they don’t exist. They’re nonentities in the eyes of society. Does anybody talk about this?
I am not fond of Alphabet Soup Language, PDA, what is that, JOn if you have a penchant for using not-commonly known abreviations, please do us less-enlightened readers a kind favor and tell what PDA means? I may be plain as day to you what PDA stands for in full, but not necessarily everyone else is aware of what it means. There is nothing in your writing that gives away what PDA is fully spelled out.
Morgan, I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or not.
PDA = Public Display of Affection. It’s been a commonly held abbreviation since at least the 70’s. (I remember it being in my grade school handbook, then.)
When I came out of the closet back (a long time ago), I promised myself that I wouldn’t go back in…ever…for anyone or any reason. Of course, I don’t want to make other people’s happy occasions just a platform for gay activism, so when I am asked to attend a wedding where situations like the one you describe are likely to pop up, I politely decline. If the new couple persists, I explain that I wish them well, but that I just don’t feel comfortable having to edit myself.
I gave in ONCE for my brother’s wedding. It was awful…truly awful. It was one of the most uncomfortable and hypocritical days of my life. I spent the day pretending to be someone that I was not, and I HATED it. The polite lies that I was expected to perpetuate gagged in my throat. Eventually, I sneaked off and hid in my car until it was time to leave.
The whole day reminded me of why I came out in the first place. Living a lie is wrong. It isn’t good for me. And really, it isn’t good for them, either.
TTFN,
Blackout
At the last 3 straight weddings, my partner and I have danced together. However, we felt compelled to ask the Bride and Groom beforehand. We have never received a negative comment and, in fact, several of the guests have told us how well we dance. Of course, some people stare, but most have a smile on their faces. For people to accept us as a normal couple, they have to see us behave that way in public. That said, we are not out to make a public statement. We just want to have fun like everybody else.
Greg, I’ve never been to a wedding where the guests needed approval before dancing. It must have been weddings of a culture I’m not familiar with.
I live in Iowa, where we do not have legal marriage yet, but that didn’t stop me from having mine with my partner of eight years. My sister was the only relative I had in attendance, though not the only one invited. My father who accepted my partner as a part of the family from day one was 75 at the time and didn’t attend, but was insistant my sister attend because someone had to be there for him.
Since then, many family memebers who’s lifestyle had been kept in the closet (even from me) have came out and told people that they are gay. My relatives talk about their and our relationships as they are common place. My partner and I attended my Uncles funeral a few years back, nobody raised an eyebrow when my partner sat with me in the family section.
We have attended many weddings, whenever there was one to attend, and we don’t worry about what other people think. It helps that my parter, Ronnie, is normally the life of the party anyway. We don’t get ignored because of these things because we are normally a lot of fun.
Am I bitter about most of my family not attending my wedding? No. Without realizing it, my wedding was what made them realize that my partner is a part of my family and theirs. It was also what made it easier for my other gay relatives from being more accepted and open with our family.
As for getting invited to straight weddings, if invited I always attend. If I was ever asked to behave a certain way, or not say something, I wouldn’t attend or I would probably leave the minute that was said.
My feelings as a whole to you Jon is that if you think you are being left out of something because your gay, then leave. I probably would have left that wedding no matter how good and liberal my friends were. If asked why I left early, I would have said why. The wedding is no longer a pleasent event for me and I see no reason see everything as being ok because your friends become hypocrites at their own wedding.
I love your articles, and normally enjoy your point of view, but I feel like a lot more could have been done by you to make your friends realize that support is more then lip service. It is also in actions.
My partner of 11 years and I have attended one straight wedding and a graduation party with a DJ. We slow danced at both. My ex-wife slow danced with her boyfriend; I wasn’t going to not dance with mine.
What a touching story. Thanks for sharing!
As an ethicist I’m wondering what your take is on your duty to your partner and your obligation to your relationship as a couple. Frankly, I can’t imagine putting my partner through the situation you described. We’ve been together for over 20 years. And got together pretty much as kids (early 20’s.) We figured out pretty quickly that our relationship was going to be examined and defined in reference to heterosexual unions, presumably marriage. From the get go we realized this would put us on the losing end of the equation in the eyes of many and decided that our primary commitment was to one another. So it didn’t really matter what others thought. As long as we observed some simple rules that it: Never put anyone above the relationship unless by mutual agreement (He’s Latino so I accept that mami comes first in may situation for example1!) and never define yourselves by what others think of our union. The ethics we created for our relationship are obviously more complicated than that (exclusivity, loyalty, unconditional love and support etc.) But even without that type of codified agreement I would never put someone I love, or something I found important, in the situation in which you put your relationship. And in 20 years neither of us has.
Face it, all relationships require you to give something up in order to get so much more. The kinds of events you described, whether they are weddings, graduations, vacations etc, are toxic for a relationship of any kind when you factor in ignorance, self-centeredness, and fear. The truly moral person with a strong ethical compass who is committed to the relationship would never attend an event so perilous to the union. It forces you to be dishonest and forces you to put your partner in a submissive state (hmmm…no jokes!) to the event and the people being celebrated. Unless your ethics support that, you should have no problem. But it bothers you. So you must. And if that’s the case maybe you should do the moral thing next time you are invited to one of these gatherins and simply say: “Unless my relationship will viewed and treated in the same way as all of the other committed, long term relationships, I cannot attend.” If you see one variance from this, you leave…the idea is to celebrate their event but to do so your relationship must be minimally respected and recognized. Otherwise the balance is tipped too far in terms of potential damage to the two of you with no benefit except for filling an obligation. If the obligation is so important to the relationship’s survival, go ahead. I can think of few situations where that would be the case…
As a closing thought and a bit of a non-sequitor but important nonetheless: At the end of the day you were subjected to a highly discriminatory environment. We won’t take it fmor our government or employers. Why accept if from family and friends?
I recently had a similar experience. I attended a wedding of a good friend with my partner of 10yrs. I was sad when they had a couples dance and all of the couples at our table got up to dance except for us. I vowed to never attend a wedding again until my partner and I can be married. We just received another wedding invitation in the mail the other day. I don’t want to attend because I dont want to be the only couple sitting at the table during the slow songs.
We will probably attend, though, because my friend deserves our support and love. She would certainly attend our wedding if it were legal.
AMEN! Of course, when we had our 15th anniversary celebration in 1996, we invited gay and straight persons and if some straights were a bit uncomfortable with PDA, it was their problem. I only know of one man who voiced his “difficulty” with his wife.
I’m not saying you should look the other way, but face it: life’s too short to worry what people will think. The newlyweds invited the both of you, not you “and guest” — and as such, you have the right (and obligation, actually) to show your couplehood… even when slow dancing. If anyone other than the happy couple complains, that’s their problem to deal with, not yours.