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Loading ...Corvino: At wedding, gay PDA not OK
Like many gay people, I have a love-hate relationship with weddings. On the one hand, I enjoy any excuse for a party, and what’s not to like about celebrating love and commitment with family and friends? On the other hand…
Well, where do I start?Let’s face it: weddings can be tense affairs. The gaudy pageantry, the forced smiles, the nosy relatives…there is, in fact, a lot not to like.
This is especially true given the tendency of some marrying couples to want to outdo everyone else by being “creative.” I remember one wedding—a gay wedding, as it happens—where, after the vows, the grooms hopped into a vintage convertible and drove off…
…for about 150 feet, at which point they abruptly reached the end of the property, got out, and walked back. (Not surprisingly, that marriage lasted about two months, so perhaps the short ride was an apt metaphor.)
I find straight weddings especially tense, given the contrast between “Isn’t it wonderful that these two have found each other and let’s all be incredibly happy for them” and “Not everyone knows that you’re gay so please don’t spoil this special day by bringing it up, okay?”
Never mind that you and your partner may have been together for years, and have plenty to teach the new couple. Never mind that love and commitment are supposed to be what we’re celebrating. We just don’t want you “making a scene.” So when the slow song plays, you’d better just dance with Grandma.
And that’s typically what I do. Not that I hide my gayness: I introduce Mark as “my partner” and when asked “What do you do?” I talk freely about my work as a gay-rights speaker and columnist. But there are limits, and slow dancing is generally one of them.
Last weekend I discovered another. Mark and I attended the wedding of a straight couple we have known for many years. Wanting to be “creative,” the couple added a new twist to the tradition of kissing whenever guests clinked their spoons against their glasses. They gave the emcee a list of select couples in the room, and for each round of clinking he chose one to show everyone “how it’s done” before the newlyweds followed suit. These demonstrations provided yet another opportunity for one-upmanship, as quick smooches made way for dramatic dips, lip locks, and even face licking.
In case you were wondering, Mark and I weren’t on the list.
At first I was frankly relieved by this, then irritated, then sad. The newlyweds are staunch liberals, highly educated, and committed to gay rights. They themselves would have no problem seeing us kiss—indeed, they attended our own wedding several years back. And I can’t say I blame them for not including us among the “example” couples. Supporting gay rights is one thing; giving Grandma a heart attack is another.
What saddened me was the stark reminder that gay public displays of affection still have the power to shock and disgust.
It wasn’t unreasonable for my hosts to be sensitive to that fact. I only wish they had been more sensitive to the fact that excluding Mark and me from their kissing game underscored the disparity. And it didn’t help that their wedding fell on our anniversary, which (absent other considerations) would have made our participation even more fitting.
Why get worked up over not being invited to participate in a game I found cheesy anyway? Maybe it’s because I’m a huge proponent of kissing. While I’m hardly what you’d call gushy, I don’t shy away from public displays of affection. I grew up in an Italian family where everyone—men included—kissed. Doing otherwise would be an insult.
I’m also a big believer in PDA parity. If the first person to leave a party at my house gives me a hug, I make sure everyone else gets one too—male or female, straight or gay. (I keep a mental list of obstinate “non-huggers,” and to them I extend a handshake: my goal is to make people feel affirmed, not uncomfortable.)
Mainly, though, I got worked up because I believe that our affection is valuable. It matters. Not just because it “feels good,” but because romantic joy is an ingredient in a life well-lived.
That’s something we celebrate at weddings. It’s something that, however awkwardly, our friends’ kissing game celebrated.
It’s something that we gays should celebrate too.
John Corvino, Ph.D. is an author, speaker, and philosophy professor at Wayne State University in Detroit.
For over fifteen years he has traveled the country speaking on homosexuality and ethics. His writing has been featured in regional and national periodicals, at the online Independent Gay Forum, and in numerous scholarly anthologies. His column “The Gay Moralist” appears Fridays on 365gay.com.
For more about John Corvino, or to see clips from his “What’s Morally Wrong with Homosexuality?” DVD, visit www.johncorvino.com.
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Catch John Corvino as he lectures on gay rights and debates same-sex marriage with Glenn Stanton of Focus on the Family:
September 18: Baldwin-Wallace College (Berea, OH) 7 pm Student Union
September 25: University of Alabama, Birmingham: 7:30 pm Alumni Auditorium
September 30: Concordia College (Moorhead, MN) 9 pm Knutson Campus Center-Centrum
October 6: Minnesota State University-Mankato 7 pm Ostrander Auditorium, Centennial Student Union
October 7: Northern Kentucky University (DEBATE) 7 pm Greaves Hall
October 9: Vincennes University (IN) 11 am Shircliff Theater
October 14: Bridgewater State College (MA) 2 pm Moakley Auditorium
October 22: Sienna Heights University (Adrian, MI) Details TBA
October 23: Western Michigan University (Kalamazoo) 7:30 pm Kirsch Auditorium
October 30: Canisius College (DEBATE) (Buffalo NY) 7 pm Regis Conference Room
It’s beyond me why anyone would attend an event that you were not made to feel welcome and accepted.
The last wedding was my sisters, a few years ago. I went with my ex as he is very close to my family and the Godfather of my niece. The most memorable part of the wedding was when my dad hugged my ex and told him, “I know you and Trace are no longer together, but you’ll always be family.”
I’ve encountered a similar situation at a cousin’s engagement party. While everyone else was free to talk about their heterosexual spouses and significant others, they all got quiet when I started talking about my boyfriend (who wasn’t even there because I knew they’d throw a fit). Then when it was time to clean the dishes, grandma came over to “gentlely remind” me that today was the happy couple’s big day, and that I shouldn’t embarass the family with my “problems.”
The whole episode just sickened me. And I swore I would never go to one of these events ever again (a promise I’ve kept). But it is not enough for them to blatantly treat you as morally inferior, they have to erase your history too. You can’t even talk about homosexuality in their presence.
John Corvino needs to step the rest of the way out of the closet. My partner and I have slow-danced at weddings, bar-mitzvahs and corporate Christmas parties, and guess what? Not a single heart attack yet! I guarantee you Grandma has withstood much greater shocks in her life. We cannot sit and wait for straights to encourage us to dance – just get up and do it. And kiss your partner when the dance ends! You know, little kids stare at grownups kissing because they haven’t seen it much. Eventually they stop – it’s called growing up. Yes, it’s new for straights to see us kissing – but they’ll only get used to it if they do in fact see it. To assume they “can’t handle it” is insulting and is reverse discrimination. No tongue – and no licking – that’s inappropriate for anyone at a wedding. But how can you expect the world to respect your love if you hide it from them?
Oh, just grow a pair and stop sniveling, Jon! The second I’m told to dance with grandma is the second some bigot-coddling bridezilla is told to find another guest! My partner and I have been to plenty of straight weddings where we danced together in front of aging matriarchs. What is stopping you, Jon, is your own cowardice; so stop acting like such a martyr! If you’re invited as a couple, you’re invited as a couple, and you have no obligation whatsoever to pretend there is anything wrong with being a couple.
Oh! and original comment when I saw the title. We refuse to attend weddings where children are not allowed, and would also refuse to attend ones where our couplehood is not allowed. Many relatives wouldn’t attend my sisters because she was marrying a CATHOLIC!…I was third, and last girl in family to marry…a CATHOLIC… 7 years later. and everyone came and had a good time! (FYI that was 63-70)
Wonderful article..and if that is your Matt…next time dancee..and kiss! It is GRANDMAs problem not to recognize love and caring. Peter… so FINE.. I hope many people read this..
THE TIMES THEY ARE A CHANGING…
PS Please add the 1920 Voting party where WOMEN ARE NOT ALLOWED.
I totally agree. My cousin is getting married in 2 months and my partner asked me just this morning was I going to dance with her at the reception.
Without a doubt I said yes. Why not?! To h*ll with what everyone else thinks.
The last wedding I attended was straight; my partner and I were invited and also asked if we’d “help out” with any odds and ends on the big day…of course we said yes. The big day came, a lovely backyard wedding – with the two dyke attendees hidden in the house for the entire ceremony – turns out our odds and ends entailed dealing with canned music broadcast from inside the house. I’ve avoided straight weddings ever since – coming out belonged to me, having some straight newly-wed turn me around and force back into the closet is not going to happen again.
I just finished reading Mr. Corvino’s column and it made me want to tell someone about my wedding last weekend. Like a couple of Jon’s readers, my husband (I can legally say that now, we are in California!) and I had also considered boycotting weddings of our straight relatives, but we knew we would regret missing such an important moment in many of our young relatives lives. So we would buck up, drive or fly hundreds sometimes thousands of miles to attend all our nieces and nephews weddings. As we both come from large families and as we have been together over 25 years, there have been quite a few from both our families. We only missed one wedding as we were out of the country. At quite a few of these events we were even asked to help with anything from food prep to timing the bride’s attendants as they walked down the aisle. And by the way Jon, we were never uncomfortable dancing together. (The grandmothers should just get over it!)
In May when Ron and I were given the opportunity to get married (frankly we are still shocked that this has happened in our lifetimes) we wanted to plan a big wedding and invite everyone from our families. The event went from a backyard BBQ to a full fledged catered affair in a banquet hall. Our biggest wish was for everyone, us included, to have a great time. If we had it in our backyard we would have had to work too hard to really enjoy ourselves!
After the invitations were sent we excitedly awaited the replies. All of my nieces (not a boy in the bunch) and every one of their children were coming. To our dismay only one of Ron’s nieces and nephews responded and that was to say they were not coming. Ron called his sisters and confirmed that none of their children were coming. He went to bed in tears that night.
We did the best to get past the snub and went on to have a wonderful wedding. My sister’s husband overcame his fears and acted as our officiate. He was superb! We invited all the young children to be involved as flower persons or ring-bearers. Ron was thrilled when my seven nieces crowded around him for a picture. One of my niece’s husbands (a self-described redneck) told friends that he always enjoyed spending time with us “because we threw the best parties”. And I was truly delighted when the oldest guest, a 76 year old uncle, told me it was the most enjoyable wedding he had ever attended.
The casino we chose did an excellent job, even though our wedding was in the “red” portion of far Northern California. It was the only gay wedding they had ever done and they did it great! They called in extra security which luckily weren’t necessary. It went off without a hitch as they say.
So now Ron is my husband, as I am his. The guests have gone home. We just finished the cake last night. And we have a completely new understanding of and appreciation for “our family”.
Thanks for indulging me while I told my wedding story
If someone told me, “Not everyone knows that you’re gay so please don’t spoil this special day by bringing it up, okay?” or “We just don’t want you ‘making a scene’” I would decline the invitation to go to the wedding.
My husband and I have danced at the last few weddings we have attended, and nobody has batted an eyelash. If someone else has a problem with it, that’s just what it is – *their* problem.
The kissing game was just plain boorish.
Thinking back on our wedding, where the guests were 50-50 gay and straight with many couples of both orientations, nobody ever clinked on a glass.
Ah…weddings. Certainly in the past, I’ve experienced everything described in the article and comments. But, there’s hope. A few years ago, my Idaho niece was getting married in Idaho to her beau from N. Carolina. The majority of the large wedding party was from the south–and clearly very religious, judging from the audience members quoting from the Bible during the ceremony (charming, actually).
Were we, as the only openly gay (and biracial no less) couple a bit apprehensive? Yes. But, hubbie and I are pretty well-practiced at just being who we are–something I think of as gently but firmly ‘making room for ourselves.’ So, come the reception, a dance-floor and a killer band, we, with realistic trepidation, got up and joined in. By the end of the dance, the floor was empty but for us. Disapproval? Nope! They were all standing around and clapping the beat and even started asking for lessons after!
Clearly some of the folks were a bit uncomfortable, but we, simply being just plain us, set the tone, and we were completely welcomed. My elder brother with his then marriage-breaking girlfriend and now trophy wife, however… It seems they were all over each other whereas we were just being quietly affectionate. A couple years later when the bride’s brother got married, we were warmly invited, while they were pointedly not asked back.
The big difference? We were just quietly and openly being us. They were making a spectacle–at someone else’s party.
You should probably stop writing these articles. Grandma might be offended.
This is sad. There is a chance that your friends debated about you and your partner kissing before deciding not to include you. However, your friends showed poor manners by embarrassing and exluding their guests(you and your partner). This is an etiquette no-no. They should have refrained from playing this game.
I have thought about boycotting (straight) weddings as well… as mentioned by Nick. Because, honestly, it is a bit like having an election party in the early 1900’s and inviting all of your black friends. “Hey, isn’t this a great party? Aren’t you thrilled with the results? Oh, ya, sorry you CAN’T.EVEN.VOTE! But have another glass of champagne!”
I’m pretty sure I don’t have a single straight friend that has ever thought of it that way… but as a gay man, I don’t think it is that big of a leap. Even the most supportive hetero friends don’t see the big picture.
Thank you, John, for your article.
For the past few years, I have boycotted weddings, even those of some of my best straight friends. Given all that’s transpired in the fight for the equal right to marry, I just cannot celebrate one couple’s wedding until all couples have the same right. What’s worse is that in inviting me, and going on and on and on about their fabulous wedding plans, my straight friends, though gay-supportive, have seemingly been oblivious to how I might feel, given that I can’t get married.