Comments on: Study: Family behavior key to health of gay youth

By: Sindee Riboli

Sindee Riboli — Tue, 19 May 2009 22:34:48 +0000

My son emailed this article on Family behavior as I reacted in a negative way inititally. He announced who he was one evening, then began bringing a new set of friends(mostly gay) to our home the next day. Suddenly overnight he was a different person a gay person. My problem with this was that I was not prepared. Even though I knew it my heart that he was gay. He never gave us the courtesy of time to accept the new him.
Why didn’t he allow his family to ease into the new dynamics of our household? It has been a painful time for me and my son mostly.
He went away to college and flunked out for two years…Now he is saying that he did this because it is so important to me and he wanted to “spite me”.
I have always been there for my son and so has his brothers and sister. He is a product of divorce and his father was a Texas cowboy who has not been very nice about this. But I have been there always, and made a few mistakes along the way in my comments…but I told him I am trying and I mean it.
Crazy, but never have had issues about gay frends or acquaintances..apparently a hypocrit as it has been tough with my 20 year old son who is choosing to flunk out in school to spite his old mom.
I understand the article he sent me, but doesn’t he understand that not everything is about being Gay!!! Such as an education so that he can be who and whatever he wants to be and support himself.

By: Rodney Moore

Rodney Moore — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 00:23:50 +0000

I was listening to NPR one day, while driving into Nashville. I heard how one of the researchers of this study used to work in Atlanta with at risk gay youth. She was stating that family acceptance, even if not approval, of their child’s homosexuality would cut the chances for suicide in half along with a host of other ills(drug abuse, alcohol abuse, risky unsafe sex). I was talking to my mother, who given her background is VERY supportive, about this study. My mom in her own way has been helping two others in the family on how to help gay relatives. I have a gay cousin, he’s 19, super cute and extremely intelligent. His mother died when he was young, his dad was less than supportive and his step mother seemed to have congealed in a pocket in hell. At age 17 he was already on a host of anti-depressants and seeking other substances to deal with the homophobia. My mother has tried to explain to his grandmother that she needs to get him out of the environment he’s in(Mississippi) and move him to a decent sized city with educational opportunities. My cousin has been shocked at how warmly he’s been welcomed by our side of the family(his deceased mother’s side). Even though issues persist in his life, the fact that our family(my mom had 15 brothers and sisters and countless cousins, nieces and nephews) has been so welcoming has helped him adjust.

My mother and step dad had friends when I was growing up, Brenda and Skip who had an older gay son who was HIV positive. They had disowned him, for his drug abuse, risky sex and homosexuality. When I came out, my mom in her own quiet way educated herself as to the issues effecting gay people. She reached out to Brenda, and between the two of them they gave mutual support. Brenda, against all she was taught in her life, against all society had instilled in her, re-embraced her son and reconciled with him. Brenda and Skip, through my mom and step dad, learned that gay kids often seek refuge in drugs, alcohol and risky sex because society instills in us such a complete lack of self esteem. They learned that their son reacted to the pressures around him in a way that is less ideal. My parents, in their own quiet way, encouraged them to not cast away their son. After almost a decade of rejection, the damage was done, but the healing was made possible when they embraced him. When their son died, he died with loving, accepting and supportive family around him.

Growing up in Alabama, surrounded by homophobic religious fanatics of every stripe, I know how much a little acceptance can do. I was out at work long before my parents knew, I had a network of supportive friends. When I moved to Atlanta in 1996, the gay community became an extended family. But having an accepting and supportive family is important, if and when we can’t have this, we need the community to step up.

Anyway,,just rambling

By: Scott

Scott — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 23:47:06 +0000

I have some trouble regarding empathy for the parents. I can have empathy for a human being who is soul searching but not for someone who believes their child is wrong. I wasn’t equipped as a teen or young adult to teach my parents.

My parents told me that I was sick. That homosexuality is like alcoholism. They sought out people who supported their bias. They tried to guilt me by saying things like “What will the neighbors think? Your brothers won’t want to have children after this. Why don’t you take my bra and girdle and go prancing down the street. You need to quit college and move home. I could never be proud of you.”

There’s more support for parents today than 20 years ago. Scientists have almost completely established sexual orientation is set at conception or fetal gestation. So there’s no excuse for parents to abuse a gay child. Those who do have deeper issues that don’t have to do with the child. The child is just a target.

My father beat my mother for several years, while he was sober, and basically reigned terror down on us (we were around 10 years old). There were lots of issues around his feelings of worthlessness and her martyrdom.

By: Mac

Mac — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 22:39:32 +0000

I’m not out to my parents, at least not verbally, although I’d never lie or try to pretend I’m not to be, but I’ve never really had much of an emotional connection with them so whatever

By: Larry in Tucson

Larry in Tucson — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 19:42:27 +0000

I am in sympathy with the comments posted, yet I think that we need to have some empathy for parents. They probably aren’t much better at parenting than the parenting they recieved.

It took a long time for me to come to grips with my orientation and it was intensely important to me. My mother was incapable of understanding and mourned the son she lost. It took her many years to come to terms with my sexuality. I don’t think it ever was total acceptance but we came to an understanding that we would agree to respect each other if not fully accept the other’s point of view.

This came after many years of not speaking and harsh words on both sides. I refused to let her dictate how I would live my life but I tried to keep some contact alive.

In the most bizarre way, one of her preachers helped her find a way to accept me. He told her that it was not her fault or mine because I had been cursed. He cited some biblical passage that said the sins of the father would be passed down to the son. That satisfied her because as she said “it had to come from your father’s side because no one in my family is that way”

Pretty sick thinking but if it helps then more power. Sort of the same way this study is a no-brainer but if it helps the parent to make an effort with their child, more power.

By: TigerTzu

TigerTzu — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 18:36:45 +0000

Vickie, well said. I couldn’t agree more.

By: Vickie

Vickie — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 18:21:11 +0000

I believe that if you don’t get the respect, acceptance, and kindness that you deserve merely as a human being, then you can certainly do without whoever it is that’s not giving it to you. I realize that some people and parents need to come around, and its great if they honestly do and it shows sometimes how much they love and care about you, but for me, that’s not enough. Toleration is the BARE minimum, I expect far more than that from someone in my life because that’s what I deserve. We all owe it to ourselves not to put up with people that don’t respect and accept you for who you are. And I think in the long run, like scott demonstrated, you will be SO much happier and healthier if you get away from those people. It’s a life lesson that I live by.

By: TJNV

TJNV — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 18:09:27 +0000

My parents had a hard time with my comming out when I was 22. I ended up not speaking to them for 8 years. I had to sheild myself from the negativity. Lucklily I had a lot of friends and social support. Today however they really accept my partner of 14 years and our adopted son. Accepting Parents would have made my life a lot easier.

Tom in Long Beach

By: Scott

Scott — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 16:15:46 +0000

My parents were bigots. Equal opportunity bigots but bigots nonetheless. Not only rejection at home but in school I was the butt of jokes and bullying. I considered suicide but a little voice in my head kept saying “what if it gets better?” So, at 18, I left for college and never looked back. I put myself through school with loans and scholarships. I taught myself how to use computers and worked hard at my first job. In 2 years my salary jumped from $16k to $25k. In 5 years I went from $25k to $60k. It was my job that cemented my sense of self worth. Today I’m in a 12-year relationship and haven’t spoken to my parents for 20 years. Support from family is important but if it’s not there then get yourself into a better situation. I had qualities that no one gave me credit for when I was a teen.