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Loading ...Why can’t you just butch up?
Photo credit: Dp Clark/Getty Images
“No one really knows,” says Robert-Jay Green, PhD, Executive Director of the Rockway Institute, an LGBT psychology research center. But, he says, there’s some research to suggest that effeminacy in men may result when a fetus is somehow exposed to fewer androgen hormones – testosterone is one androgen – in the third trimester of pregnancy. Since the compound is responsible for “male” characteristics, this might cause some sort of “feminization” of the child, affecting the way he thinks and acts.
Which isn’t to say effeminacy is some sort of deficiency or flaw. It’s merely part of the natural variation of human males, like eye color, or the way some people like vanilla ice cream and some people prefer chocolate.
But it’s also not an affectation, and it’s definitely not a “choice.” Just as it’s offensive to suggest that people are gay in order to rebel or shock other people, it’s offensive to suggest that most effeminate men are that way for any reason other than that’s genuinely how they feel most comfortable presenting themselves.
Are all effeminate men gay or bisexual? Green refers to a 1986 study of one group of “extremely effeminate” young boys – basically, guys who put the “fab” in fabulous – and how, by adulthood, 75% of them identified as gay or bisexual.
“I’m sure there are thousands, if not millions of effeminate straight guys,” Bergling says. “But I couldn’t find any. When I talked to some, it quickly became clear they were gay, but in denial.”
Sissyphobia author Tim Bergling
In other words, most effeminate guys really are gay – that lack of androgens in the third trimester may even be one of the ways that guys end up gay, Green says.
But how many gay guys are effeminate? Well, here’s where it gets a little complicated.
Obviously, plenty of gay and bisexual men are as “manly” as the day is long. But one 1982 study found that 42 percent of a sample of gay men were considered “sissies” as children, compared to only 11 percent of heterosexual men. A different 1981 study found that half of gay men displayed some “gender atypical” behavior as children, but only a quarter of straight men did.
That doesn’t mean this many gay men are outwardly effeminate – they’re not – but it does mean that there’s some truth to the stereotype that gay men are more likely than straight men to be, um, “artistic,” or at least androgynous. Let’s admit it: isn’t that part of what “gaydar” is all about?
“Some days I walk around, and I’m just a normal dude,” says Ed Kennedy, a 37-year-old gay man living in West Virginia. “And some days I have more of a swish in my step.”
In short, most gay men aren’t “like women.” But we really do tend to be a little different from the “typical” straight guy.
Still, these are all just tendencies. Plenty of gay and bisexual men don’t ever swish, nor do they want to.
An online poster in a U.K. student forum put it like this: “There are two gay genes: one makes a person gay, and another makes them camp. If they have got both, then they are gay and camp. If they just have the gay gene, then they won’t be as easy to spot. If they just have the camp gene then they will be normal, as the camp gene needs the gay gene to activate it.”
“I just made most of that up,” the poster added, “but it could be true.”
Next Page! “Straight-acting only!” “No fems!”
A better way to get at this topic is to question those who march to the beat of the gender mainstream. Those are the people who never question gender roles, and, consequently, abuse others for walking outside the lines. Feminine men and masculine women, regardless of their sexuality, are discriminated against for the same reason: No matter how queer you are, everyone’s more comfortable if you don’t look and act like it.
We still live in a world where queer kids and teens are killing themselves because of the harassment they encounter. It’s more important to protect and encourage those who offer dissents from normality–the sissies, studs, and queens–than to ask, even rhetorically, that they answer for themselves.
i thing we would all be better off if some of the straight men were a little more effeminate. You know, like caring about other people including other men, listening to what their girlfriends were really saying, being able to show their emotions a little more in public.
My brother and I were raised by a very butch mother and she made no attempt at hiding the fact. Once for a social requirement she put on a dress. She looked ridiculous and took the damn thing off. Most of our childhood was surrounded by gay women and had no problem with it. We just accepted that as normal. We were always very proud of our dyke mother and made no attempt to hide what she was. We were raise with the terms “butch” and “fem.” And we considered ourselves the richer for it.
Butch women, effeminate men? What’s the big deal? They are just as human as the rest of the crowd, maybe more so.
I enjoy being effeminate its my gender expression.I look feminine and like girly things,so why can’t I be myself.To each as own.
Oddly enough, I started in the gay community at age 15 surrounded by more effeminate gay friends, and emulated them to fit in. In college, my behavior became less effeminate as I settled into my more natural behaviors. In that respect, effeminacy was a norm I had to grow out of to be myself.
But the perspective the experience gave me remains integral to my thinking on the gender display issue. Most importantly, people should be who they are. I feel sorry for straight men and women, who must censor their identities and inclinations whenever such behavior would fall outside social norms.
I think this article is very insightful, particularly for showing us how cookie-cutter gender behaviors do real damage when we use them to cut across our brothers and sisters who don’t fit their shape.
Also love the “just cuz you don’t want to have sex with him doesn’t give you license to be a dick” idea. Well put!
Finally, a little recognition.
I remained closeted for so long because all of the examples of gay men that I was presented with were effeminate and “swishy.”
Thank Gawd for the Bear and MuscleBear movement that allowed men to actually act like and be masculine.
As I met more gay people in my life I realized that all that thing of “straight acting” or “fem acting” was 100% bullcrap. Sadly in my experience, gay people are more intolerant towards gays non conforming to whatever they consider “gay acting”. Some gays live in a reality-tv universe of exaggerated stereotypes where gays are all thin, creative and histerical. Luckily for me the gay community is big and that’s probably why I find my self hanging out more in bear community. They are the most accepting and cool. I’m not hairy and I’m not fat, yet they don’t judge anyone, fem or not fem. I realize that the older I get the less important is to please the ignoramus part of the population and their stupid expectations. So I can listen to Metallica and Madonna, I can play Call of duty 4 and then watch Mamma mia. I really don’t care. I’m a 90’s kinda guy, come as you are. Fem or not fem.
Amen Ozzy, I think that it’s the responsibility of gay men and women that are not caricatures to be out and visible. There are so many folk out there that are forced into closets by our own brothers and sisters. If I can help prevent other gays (that don’t fit into the “flamboyant” role) from feeling isolated and bad about themselves, I think I’ve done some good.
@ Trace,
Hear, Hear (WELL said!)
Re: Nigel Lythgoe: if there is one more reality show made with yet another snotty-assed homophobe brit judge who clearly thinks with his penis, I’m going to kill my TV! Nigel represents everything I hate about people judging people base on gender roles (and why I can’t stomach his show). I am a guy who speaks effeminately, so I have been told, and people have made comments about it since before I hit puberty. I don’t know why I do, I don’t on purpose, but it’s just how I talk. When we say people have a problem with this, aren’t they mostly men? I think with straight men it’s because they grow up and even as adults insult each other by calling each other “girly’, “old lady” or just a woman. That is totally pathetic because they must imagine there is something wrong with women in order to feel insulted by that.
Good article, but you missed a HUGE point: sexism is the root of homophobia. This whole thing was rhetorical, but there IS an answer. Queer people are persecuted for their (assumed) gender non-conformity. If a man acts like a woman, he’s degrading himself. And a woman isn’t in her place if she acts like a man. Sexism hurts queer people just as much as straights.
This is sexism and transphobia/cissexism flat out.
You can be masculine or feminine, since gender identity is independent of sexual orientation. But let’s not pursue a heteronormative archetype of “masculinity” solely to fit in.
Queer it up! Redefine masculinity! That’s what queer people do! We provide a new, often controversial, look at the world. Our existence makes people think. We shake things up because we’ve been ignored for so long.
You know, it walks like a duck, it has feathers like a duck, it sounds like a duck, has feet like a duck – heeellloooo, it is a duck! Paint it, disguise it, hide it, cover it, garage it … whatever you do, it is still a duck!
Here is some food for thought: instead of “butching it up” why not take the opportunity to teach tolerance, respect,individuality, and embrace people’s nature without judging each other? Butch it up … B.S. !!!!
Thank you Richard!! That’s what I try to explain to my straight allies and uninformed gay friends. You think it is hard for the “sissy” try being a woman that get the message from society that femininity is inferior and the worst possible thing. If we don’t get rid of sexist views we as a community will never be truly free.
In response to Trace, I see the Bear/Muscle as the other side of the scale- hypermacho and hypermasculine. I tend to think of myself as more in the middle. As I like to jokingly tell my friends, I’m not gay, I’m just a straight guy who likes other guys..
I have often wondered if some gay men feel compelled to “Act Gay” as they come out. When I first came out, I thought acting effeminate was what was expected. As I came out, I realized that was not me. I started to act like myself. I’ve been told I pass as str8, it’s not some thing I aspire to, it’s me. When we have seen gay role models on TV, they have been effeminate and nelly men. Paul Lynde, Jack, Dr. Smith. We all try and fit in and do what we often feel is right. Society defines how we are suppose act. We either do that or find our own voice, no pun intended.
I decided when I first thought of this and realized society like to exploit the more characterist members of out soiety, I needed to accept all of our community bear, leather, drag queens or lipstick lesbians or bull dike, they make out community diverse and beautiful! Some neanderthals only get a stiffy for a blond, or red-head. I’m attracted to the men I am attracted to. I’m me and they are them. Character issues are more important to me then str8 acting or nelly! My choice.