Subscribe to Breaking News
Loading ...Together – but apart: the challenging world of same-sex, binational couples
“I fell in love with America because of the Declaration of Independence, with the idea of a right to the pursuit of happiness,” says Fred, from France, in Sebastian Cordoba’s documentary ‘Through Thick and Thin.’ “Now I live in America, and to me my family is my happiness; and it is this most simple happiness that we are denied.”
Fred and his partner Mark, who both live in Harrisburg, Penn., have two children together. They have been together for over 15 years. They own a house. Yet now that Fred has used up his work and student visas, they need to move to France, where Mark is afraid he won’t be able to find work, find an employer who will sponsor Fred in the United States, or break the law.Welcome to the strange world of bi-national, same-sex couples.
There are almost 36,000 same-sex couples kept apart by U.S. immigration law, which allows Americans to sponsor their foreign-born husbands and wives for U.S. residency, but does not give same-sex partners the same rights.
Almost 80 percent of those couples include a foreign partner whose country also doesn’t provide immigration benefits to same sex-couples. This means that thousands of gay couples have no idea what the future will hold for them – if they should buy a house or take a job, if they will be able to live with their partners and if so in what country, and even, in some cases, if they will be able to live with their children.
“It’s unjust and humane,” said Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) in a New York forum sponsored by Immigration Equality and HRC.
Nadler, as he has every year since 2000, introduced a bill in the House calling for equal rights for gay spouses in immigration law (Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vt.) introduced a similar bill in the Senate). “Gay families deserve the same rights as any other family,” Nadler said.
Formerly called the Permanent Partners Immigration Act, the bill was reintroduced as the Uniting American Families Act. It would add the words “permanent partner” every time the word “spouse” appears in the U.S. Immigration and Nationality Act.
Under the UAFA, permanent partners would need to prove they are committed, unmarried to anyone else, the absence of a close blood relationship, and the inability to legally marry their permanent partner.
Mark and Fred can move to France, which has immigration rights for same-sex couples (though not same-sex adoption, which might put the couples’ rights to their children in danger), but most gay couples don’t have that luxury. The Williams Project on Sexual Orientation estimates that almost 80 percent of bi-national couples include a foreign partner whose country doesn’t recognize same-sex immigration rights either.
That means that over 26,000 couples can’t live together legally in the U.S. or in the foreign partners’ country.
So what do they do? Some break the law and stay in one country or the other past their visas. Some travel on tourist visas as often as they can. Some rely on Skype and the Internet to keep in touch. And at least one has bought a third home – in Hong Kong.
Jamie, a professor in New York, and his partner John (not his real name), who comes from a small, homophobic country they would prefer not to name, have for three years bounced between Jamie’s New York home, John’s home, and an apartment in Hong Kong. There are only 19 countries that recognize same-sex partners in immigration law – Hong Kong isn’t one of them. But for professional reasons, they are both able to be there separately.
“He didn’t like it at first, because he doesn’t speak Chinese,” Jamie said. “But it’s growing on him.” “Of course we’re lucky,” he added. “I’m retired and we have enough money to do this. If I had a nine-to-five, 50-week-a-year job, it would be impossible.”
NEXT PAGE: Will Obama help the act pass?
Every time I read story like this, it will gets me all teared up. I am in the same situation. I don’t know if my stay will be ended and have to give up my 10 year relationship. I have spent 8 of these years fighting to stay. I have never once out of status. I have always been here legally. But at what price? I have spent thousands of dollars doing this. I didn’t have one day that I can forget that this might be the last day I have with my partner. It is worst than having a terminal cancer because at least I will have a “expected” time to live.
To make things more difficult, I am now provider to my family. If I am gone, what will happen to my partner? He is 5 years away from retirement, have a 30 years mortgage to pay. He can’t get a job easily elsewhere in another country. Frankly, it will not be fair for him to have to leave this country and start live all over again.
Many have over stayed their visa valid date just to be with their partner. Meaning they will have to give up their friends and family back at another country since they can never reenter into US without a proper visa.
Lets face it, people make stupid and risky decisions because of love. Taking about fraud… I guess it will encouraged more fraud if UAFA is not pass because it will force a lot more people enter marriage just so that they can get a way to be with who they love.
The alone proves that the true love exist.
We are running out of options and people that opposing this do not see it from the right angle. It is nothing to do with religion, sanctity of marriage or # of green cards like what was brought up in the public hearing for UAFA. The law should never be dictates by any of this but how it affects the people. The ultimate goal for the law is to give rights and protect those rights. Not to restrict them and cause harm.
People that argues gay marriage is a special right. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Special rights are those as opposite sex marriage because only them can have it. No body else can. If you don’t have that right to begin with and only wanted it so that we can be equal is not special rights. If those that insist to only have these rights protect and only they can enjoy… then it is special rights.
Yes there are more things we need to look into before UAFA can be perfect, but if we wait until we get it right before implementing it, it might never happen in a life time. Instead of arguing it can be done, why not make suggestions on how to improve it and make it work? I just kept hearing both sides of arguments but no resolution make to work together and come up with the better solutions or process. Don’t tell me it can be done but tell me what needs to be done to make this happen.
Please make this a speedy process because thousands of lives are depended on this bill….
The new Obama slogan for the GLBT community:
YES WE CAN…..but we WONT!
Tammy, points well taken. I think the UK will have a far easier time converting civil partnerships to full marriage recognition, its just a change in terminology because all of the rights and privileges of marriage are inherent in civil partnerships at the national level. The only downside is, they are not so portable once you leave the UK. The EU in general needs to mandate full marriage equality across the board. Imagine the impact on America if that happened, and its not an impossibility. The EU has done a far better job on equality than the U.S. With 44 states to go, its going to take more than a lifetime to get every state on board. Unfortunately, religion holds a lot of power in our political system unlike western Europe, Canada and elsewhere. Where else in the west would you hear a national leader bring god into the mix at almost every provocation? Only in America!
I’m irish and my US boyfriend moved here to be with me around seven years ago. We made a lengthy application to the government to get him the right to work, but that’s all we have right now, despite the long-promised civil unions bill that our useless incompetent leadership has been stalling on. His parents are quite old and the chance of spending an extended period with them in the USA would be leaped at. Alas, I think both of them will have passed away long before I have any chance of being with Peter in America long-term. So all we have at the moment is Christmas holidays.
What’s wrong with California? It is still under the control of the bigoted Christian Taliban. Hopefully that will change.
I was taught as a child that marriage was the joining of two souls who loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of their lives growing together, supporting each other, and living as one. Little did I know that none of that was true, that marriage is all about plumbing and “tradition” (what ever in hell that means).
NH is now the 6th state to allow gay marriage. California whats wrong with u.
So much hate in california soon us gays will have gay marriage in california in 2010.
why call usa free country when u cant even marry same sex what bullshit.
I’m the American half of another one of the couples in the documentary mentioned in the previous article. My British wife and I will celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary next month – we married in Canada.
I moved to the UK almost 4 years ago, and don’t miss the expense and stress involved with having a relationship across the Atlantic. It wasn’t easy picking up and moving here. I had to change jobs several times to rebuild my career once I arrived, and I left my family and friends behind.
We go back to the US as little as possible because we are terrified of the prospect of my wife being detained and deported, while I make it through immigration.
My oldest daughter gave birth to a grandson in January – my first grandchild and it is difficult to know that because of this situation, I can only see him via Skype and a webcam most of the time, with sporadic visits in between.
I’m thankful that the UK has Civil Partnerships and recognizes our Canadian marriage. We have the same obligations, responsibilities, and benefits as any heterosexual couple who is married. There are plenty of people who still want the UK to have marriage rights for same sex couples, my wife included, but I would take a federally recognized civil partnership over marriage in the US any day if it gave me the ability to sponsor my wife for a green card and stop the crazy way the US treats her every time we visit. I would also like to have the choice of where to live, rather than the US government forcing me to live in exile because I choose to be with my soulmate.
THe Fed immigration is absolutely nuts. They were still asking if you are gay in the health questionnaire I filled for my green card. After waiting for my this law to change, I returned my green card and left the US. Obama’s unresponsive way of dealing with DOMA and other LGBT rights makes him just another politician. Sorry for those of you stuck there. As for people who have a European citizenship, there are much better countries to live in for LGBT people and for other social rights. And what is with the “leaving the dog behind” crap…
Shane, good luck with that. You do know of course that immigration processing is a federal matter under the Department of Homeland Security, but if you win and I hope you do, this will set a precedent with or without UAFA passing.
Has anyone noticed just how slow the Dems are when it comes to passing anything to do with equality for LGBT voters? Even if it weren’t for the economic crisis superceding everything else, I’m not so sure we’d see any sense of urgency.
The UAFA needs to pass! United by Love- Divided by Law
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euZsRQ9Mk_o
Hi, This is Mark who is mentioned in this article. Frederic and I have now been together for over 19 years and have four children. That is the good news. The sad news is that our Immigration story is pretty much the same. We sold our 2nd home that we bought condemned and rebuilt. Luckily, we made a profit both times and that is what is keeping us alive; my salary doesn’t cut it. Frederic’s tuition is high but we have to keep paying those bills. France has not lifted their restrictions on Same-Sex adoption but we may have no choice to have my rights terminated as their father so that we can stay there.
All of that said, I have, and will always hope for the best. It’s all that I can do.
I don’t know about California, but Senator Kennedy’s office in Massachusetts has a liason who deals with immigration issues(mostly Irish), but they helped an old neighbor of mine, who was Brazilian and his lover who was Serbian get their permenant residency. The office refered them to a lawyer which didn’t overcharge them and helped them re-apply, while not having to leave the country.
I wish you the best of luck, it helps that you’re married. Of course, this is why we need to challenge and overturn DOMA NOW, so that gays who do get married(especially to foreigners) can immigrate back to the states.
This UAFA bill is too little too late, we need marriage equality, which will solve this inequitude. But if it helps you and yours, good luck.
My husband and I hired a law office to file paperwork for us to change my status. It goes in today. Now they are picking up the UAFA. We have no clue if it will help our application or not. Keep your fingers crossed for us.
We have been together for 10 years and my visa just expired and we are one of the 18,000 couples that got married in California.
Simple solution = Marriage Equality (state and federal level). Voilà problem solved.
As an American living abroad in Québec (yes it is a country) with a foreign boyfriend (Belgian), who has to commute back and forth between Montréal and Louvain. I know this situation quite well. My adopted country, Québec, has marriage equality and recognizes marriages from here, as well as those contracted in Massachusetts(where I vote and happily pay my taxes) or in Belgium(which also has marriage equality). We’re not married YET, but if we ever got to that point we’d have to live in Québec(which takes enormous paperwork and is an endless process married or not) or I’d have to move to Belgium and learn Dutch, cos Brabant requires Dutchification of all immigrants.
Instead of all this bullsh*t piecemeal legislation, why not fight for marriage equality on the state and federal level and be done with it?