Given the recent unsuccessful lawsuit filed by a few disgruntled heterosexual citizens of the Isle of Lesbos claiming that only they are allowed to call themselves “lesbians,” the next American Ambassador to Greece clearly needs to be Sapphically inclined in order to improve Greco-American relations.

1) To avoid another Iraq. There are so many lesbians in positions of power in the U.S. that if Greece doesn’t make friends with the LGBT community quickly, we might suddenly “find” WMDs on the Isle of Lesbos, and end up in another war in which nobody wins but Dick Cheney.

2) To cut down on lawsuits. Friendlier relations between our two countries will prevent the international courts from being deluged with counter-suits from American lesbians who are insulted at the Greeks being insulted (I hear Ellen DeGeneres is consulting her attorneys as we speak).

3) To improve lesbian dating opportunities. Statistics show that one of the best places to meet a potential partner is at work, and the Foreign Minister of Greece, Dora Bakoyannis, is pretty hot. Plus, what sounds like a better way to meet women: strolling through the Isle of Lesbos, or trolling on Match.com?

Sarah Warn is Editor in Chief of AfterEllen.com

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