Visibility is a funny thing.

Take Rachel Maddow, host of The Rachel Maddow Show on MSNBC. To me, she epitomizes a second wave of out lesbians in the media, one who didn’t have to come out to the public like Ellen Degeneres, Melissa Etheridge, or Rosie O’Donnell, because she has always been there.

When I mentioned to a close relative of mine that I’ve been watching her show because it’s great to see another Oxford-educated lesbian around, he looked at me in surprise and said, “Oh, I didn’t realize she was a lesbian.”

Now, this is a man to whom I’ve nattered on at length about LGBT issues. He’s as accepting as one could imagine a straight man to be, and reasonably tuned in to LGBT matters. Maddow, however, despite having a haircut suspiciously similar to my partner’s, didn’t register as a lesbian to him.

Maybe it was the eyeshadow MSNBC thrusts upon her, confusing his less-developed sense of these things. Maybe, however, it was the fact that although Maddow is as out as can be to anyone who asks or bothers to read her bio on the MSNBC Web site, she has had no reason to mention her sexual orientation during her show (or if she has, it was an in-passing remark that I missed).

She is not hiding anything; it just hasn’t come up.

I’ve experienced this myself when dealing with the parents and teachers at my son’s school. With my partner employed outside the home, I am the one who takes our son to school, shows up at the parent’s association meetings, and helps coach his soccer team.

Despite a predilection, like Maddow, for dressing “like a first grader” (I shop in the Old Navy boy’s department with my son), to most observers, I’m just another suburban mom. I don’t hesitate to mention my partner when it’s relevant, and I admit to making a point of saying “my partner Helen and I” on occasion, to get people used to the idea.

Sometimes, though, as with Maddow, it doesn’t make sense to plonk it down in the middle of an unrelated conversation.

It has become something of a truism in LGBT parenting circles to talk about how having kids means being out to everyone–teachers, plumbers, cashiers at the grocery store. Kids, as any parent will tell you, can’t keep closet doors closed.

One “Hey, Mommy and Mama!” across the produce aisle, and your cover is blown.

For me, however, the problem is not being outed, it’s assuming everyone knows I’m a lesbian when in fact, I am as invisible as Maddow was to my relative. Even when I try to be open about it, people hear “Alan” when I talk of “Helen” and miss my use of pronouns.

My son once received an invitation to the birthday party of a new school friend, and Helen and I got a doubletake at the door because one of the friend’s parents hadn’t realized we were a two-mom family. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I’d gone to all of the school’s beginning-of-the-year events wearing an “I’m a lesbian” t-shirt. It would save us from those awkward moments.

The other problem is that as a matter of overall identity, I’d rather be known as my son’s mom, not his “lesbian mom.” The commonalities of parenthood far outweigh the differences of sexual orientation.

More importantly, I want my son to be known for his own qualities, not for the fact that he’s “the boy with the lesbian moms.” Yes, his lesbian moms will always be part of his identity, but I want us to be a piece of a much richer whole, not a leading indicator. I hope he never wants to hide the fact that he has two moms, but I also realize, as he gets older, that he may want to come out about his family in his own time and in his own way.

Visibility, however, has its perks.

It may motivate my son’s school to be more inclusive in its materials and curriculum. It may open his classmate’s eyes to the fact that families come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. In an election year, talking with other parents about how the candidates’ differing LGBT policies would affect our family might bring another vote to the side we support.

Being out as a parent is therefore more complex than just dressing our infants in “I love my mommies” jumpers or being outed by our toddlers at the supermarket. It raises issues we may not even have thought of when we started our families or first came out to them. Coming out is often described as an ongoing journey. As parents, it is a journey we take with our children.

We need to be sensitive to each others’ need for rest stops and side trips along the way.

For the moment, with my son still young and unaware that there are those who disparage our family, I will continue with my quiet but firm visibility. Around his school, I do not want to make such a point of being a lesbian that my son feels defined by his parents’ orientation, but neither do I want him ever to see me hide who I am, or what our family is. I know our visibility can do much good, not only for him, but also for other LGBT families and non-traditional families of all types.

It is a fine balance, and I may not always get it right. This week of National Coming Out Day, however, is a good chance to remind myself why I have to try.
Dana Rudolph is the founder and publisher of Mombian, a blog and resource directory for LGBT parents.