Tuesday night’s episode of The Rachel Maddow Show started with Senator Patrick Leahy and his call to investigate the Bush administration, which frankly sounds way less go-get-‘em awesome than it did yesterday.

Leahy wants to find out the truth about the many crimes that members of the previous Presidential administration may have committed (Hooray!), but may also want to grant a lot of immunity to people who ordered torture to do so (Umm…), and isn’t really interested in prosecuting anybody (Harumph!).

Rachel made lemonade by noting that at least Leahy seems to be part of an increasingly loud cry for investigation and (in some cases) prosecution of Bush administration officials who may have committed war crimes or violated the Constitution or both, often while thumbing their noses and dancing along to “U Can’t Touch This.”

(Oh, fine. Here’s a link to the song. But you are on your honor not to Hammerroll anyone.)

Rachel finished off the segment by noting that the ball is now in the court of every “concerned, inconvenient citizen,” which is an excellent point. If we really want our elected officials to do something, it is our job as citizens to bug them until they follow through.

So if you’re up for some hot war crimes investigation action, call or write the President, your Senators, and your Congressional Representative and let them know you’re going to be a complete pain in the butt until you get some.

(If you have a printer and a stamp handy, keep in mind that for some reason government officials value mail that comes from the post office over the scary new electronic kind by about 200 to 1.)

The “GOP in Exile” segment, in addition to racking up valuable anthropology nerd points by using Easter Island maoi in the graphic, was a short and sentimental one on loving your enemy. Well, sort of.

Senator Jon Tester of Montana stopped by for Tuesday’s “Talk Me Down” segment on the second phase of the bank bailout and the accompanying stock market plunge.

I understand why most people are mad about this, since the financiers who took the first giant wad of bailout money seem to have used it to give each other bonuses and upgrade their servant-kicking machines, but are we really that surprised by the stock market plunge?

Wall Street is driven by greed, fear, and the herd mentality, and those tendencies have only increased in recent months. An announcement that Obama will be using a different knot in his tie causes traders to emit Fay Wray screams and collapse onto their fainting couches. Why did we think an actual finance announcement would do anything but give them a case of the vapors?

Don’t you kind of want Senator Tester to be your coach, uncle, or poker buddy now?

Next, the show took a disturbing turn.

After a quick tour of California’s prisons, which have the distinction of being both literally and figuratively criminally overcrowded, Rachel talked about the latest Presidential bid to encourage bipartisan cooperation through the magic of alcohol.

After reporting that White House cocktail parties may become a regular Wednesday night event, she renewed her previous plea for information about which cocktails the Obamas serve. When Rachel discussed White House speakeasy nights last week, she also demanded future cocktail oversight as a taxpayer.

You think I can’t see what’s going on here? Little Miss Let’s-Get-Back-To-Sane-Government-Regulations wants to deregulate vermouth! You read it here first.

If you’ve listened to her talk about classic cocktails, you know that Rachel harbors a not-at-all secret desire to “professionally bully people about what they drink,” and recommends adding a terrifying full ounce of vermouth to martinis.

This not only goes against my upbringing, it goes against my extensive weeklong training at the prestigious Barmasters Bartending School in Tysons Corner, VA.

Rachel suggests that you do not have to fear vermouth. Please, please do not follow her rash advice.

Fear vermouth! Fear it! Treat it with the same awestruck, deep-seated fear you normally reserve for night hags or plutonium.

Do not be seduced by the soothing voice and the newscasting authority; Ms. Maddow is trying to take our nation down a dangerous road.

Listen to me, and listen well: Cover the air hole on the pour spout, let only the teeniest possible drop screek out into the shaker, and then DRAIN THE ICE before you add the gin!

Please. Think of the children.

Because of our inevitable lifelong feud on this point, it was with deep suspicion that I followed Rachel’s segue into her interview with former President Jimmy Carter about the process of bringing peace to the Middle East.

WAIT! Don’t curl up into a frightened little ball yet.

Yes, this segment has lots of fetal-worthy phrases like “the sharing of Jerusalem” and “limited window of opportunity,” but Mr. Carter seemed surprisingly optimistic that we might be able to one day hear the words “Middle East” without immediately thinking about things blowing up.

A special TRMS Melodramatic Reenactment won me back over with Judge Maddow’s losing battle against the giggles, which was almost charming enough to stave off a nationwide case of WTF face as we learned that the Obama Department of Justice is perhaps not scraping off the Bush culture of secrecy and extraordinary rendition as quickly as one might have hoped. Which, by the way, was IMMEDIATELY.

Finally, Kent Jones lightened things back up with a report from the New York ComicCon. It’s a silly but surprisingly sweet little piece.

Afterwards, Rachel was woman enough to admit to having harbored a bit of elaborate hairdo bias. It’s an important lesson to learn: Don’t fear pointy hair.

Fear vermouth.