Monday’s episode of The Rachel Maddow Show started with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s trip to Japan. Rachel seemed really excited about Clinton’s new diplomatic tone, her foreign policy chops, and… her overcoat.

Japan is having its worst financial quarter in 35 years, which should serve as a chilling reminder to us all of what happens when you base your economy on large-eyed kitties and animated tentacle porn.

Just to show us how far things have slid, Rachel gave us a clip of the Japanese minister of finance, who seems to be focusing on improving his nation’s economy through boosting Midori sales.

Rachel also took a look at the birthday celebrations for dictator Kim Jong-Il. Not satisfied with running (and starving) North Korea, Kim Jong-Il also claims to have paranormal superpowers, perhaps in a bid to star in the most upsetting graphic novel ever.

In addition to having the power to “bend nature,” Kim Jong-Il claims to be supernaturally good at golf, which by extension means he is also able to have supernaturally boring conversations. If someone tries to seat you next to him at dinner, get out fast.

Rachel closed the segment with a note of frustration that Bill Clinton seemed to be finding a lot of reasons to go on talk shows just as his wife was taking her place in the international spotlight.

I like the thinking behind that sentiment, but I’m not sure Rachel needs to worry. I say this as a fan of both Clintons, but I’m guessing Hillary is happy that Bill is keeping himself busy and in front of cameras while she’s away.

In the “GOP in Exile” segment, Rachel took a look at the fact that we still (!) don’t quite have a second Senator from Minnesota. And we discovered that in addition to her Ph. D from Oxford, Dr. Maddow can kick your ass at quoting song lyrics from the 80’s.

The senior (and only) Senator from Minnesota Amy Klobuchar stopped in to talk about her extra workload and challenge those rat bastards who made “New in Town” to an axe fight.

In the “Ms. Information” segment, we learned that Congressman Eric Cantor’s office is getting all naughty again. Scant days after sending out a Blagojian union-mocking film clip, they sent out a kickass rebel video showing how rockin’ House Republicans are for refusing to vote for the stimulus bill. The soundtrack to the video is the Aerosmith song “Back in the Saddle.”

I was going to make more fun of this Republican Rocker posing, but now that I think about it, the House Republican refusal to vote for the stimulus bill is indeed quite a bit like young fresh teenage rebellion: They threw a loud door-slamming tantrum but still totally had to clean up their rooms before Aunt Millie came over.

Anyway, monster Aerosmith fan Congressman Eric Cantor has made a lot of chin music in the past about keeping our airwaves decent. Sample lyrics from “Back in the Saddle” include:

“Peelin off my boots and chaps/I’m saddle sore/Four bits gets you time in the racks/I scream for more,” and “I’m riding, I’m loading up my pistol/ I’m riding, I really got a fistful.”

You know, their gift for tender metaphor is really underappreciated.

This seems to be part of a decades-long syndrome of Republican leaders failing to read anything but the title of the roof-raising songs they so enjoy.

For example, during the 80’s this syndrome led many Republicans to the disastrous conclusion that “Born in the USA” would be the perfect choice for an upbeat rally ‘round the flag tune.

Now that we have identified Republican Title Syndrome, it’s time to make use of it.

I will personally fly to your home state and buy you a drink if you can convince Sarah Palin to use Cyndi Lauper’s “She Bop” or Missy Elliott’s “Work It” as a campaign theme song in 2012.

If you can get her to use “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails, I will throw in dinner.

Yes, of course we’re going to talk about Afghanistan. Nobody gets an evening off from Afghanistan until you’ve cleaned up for Aunt Millie. President Obama’s decision on sending new forces to the region seems to be taking much longer than anyone expected, which, assuming lots of thinking indicates some overall re-thinking, may be a good thing.

McClatchy News Chief Pentagon Correspondent Nancy Youssef joined Rachel to talk about the problems with having two wars at once and look at our options, which with luck will at some point include something other than staying in Afghanistan until we have been completely sucked dry of resources and have to switch to a kitty-and-tentacle economy.

Newsweek’s Michael Isikoff joined Rachel for “Scrub. Rinse. Repeat.” Remember those enraging memos from the Bush Justice Department about how torture is legal? Well, the good news is it turns out that lawyers don’t get to just make stuff up.

According to an investigation by the Justice Department’s own Office of Professional Responsibility, it looks more and more like Bush administration officials told DOJ staffers what they wished the law said and then had them try to rearrange reality to suit. Which works great with genies, but less well with lawyers.

In a nutshell, this means that we may be a little closer to seeing some very satisfying trips to the slammer. Don’t worry, guys – there are some awesome rock and roll songs about being in jail.

Kent Jones was on the scene for the “Just Enough” segment. He brought a photo of one of the contestants for Russia’s Miss Atom crown that I really hope is a prank. If it isn’t, I’m pretty sure the inevitable calendar will cause people’s laugh-or-cry circuits to explode.

Just as I was about to write that there was not a ton of frivolity to be had in tonight’s show, Rachel introduced a new segment. She noted that she (rightly) tends to serve up a lot of stories that are heavy on pain, misery, and government skullduggery.

While it’s important to know when evil is afoot so we can try to head it off, it does mean that frequent TRMS viewers often have to lie down with cold compresses over their eyes between segments.

Thus Rachel brought us the “Cocktail Moment,” which is ostensibly a lighter look at the night’s top story, but is clearly just another brazen attempt to forward her monstrous agenda of vermouth deregulation. There’s even a martini right there in the graphic.

Please don’t be seduced. I have it on good authority that the Japanese finance minister’s Midori sex on the beach recipe is like 50% vermouth. See where that got him? Stand strong.

Until tomorrow, I wish you silver linings in all your clouds and kickass diplomatic linings in all of your coats.