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Loading ...Gay soldiers (not) home for Christmas
Lee Quillian, now retired from the Navy, remembers one holiday season when she was serving on a ship in the Middle East.
She couldn’t.
Because her partner is a woman.
Quillian and her partner Jenny Kopsstein are just two of the thousands of gay couples affected by Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. The policy, which forbids disclosure of a gay identity while serving in the military, is challenging under the best of circumstances – but during the holidays it becomes particularly dire.
“The holidays bring up memories, expectations,” said Trey Malicoat, a therapist who has worked with servicemembers.
“There are more parties, more activities, there’s a financial drain. For gay soldiers, there’s the added burden of not being able to talk about home, about where he or she would like to be, about the person who has the most significance in his or her life.”
Malicoat says that this added burden can bring anxiety, depression and an increased sense of isolation to servicemembers who already feel isolated.
This is true even for military members who are serving in the U.S. and can go home at the end of the day.
“Even while I’m here stateside at lunch, people are talking about what presents they’re going to buy their wife or girlfriend – I’m part of the group but I can’t be part of the discussion,” said Elizabeth, an officer in the Army.
Elizabeth married her partner in Massachusetts a year ago (they’ve been together seven years), but they still need to keep their relationship a secret.
“It’s very difficult to abide by the policy and not talk about what’s really going on in your life and at the same time try to connect with your fellow servicemembers. And you are supposed to connect pretty deeply, because we are supposed to put our lives on the line for each other,” Elizabeth said.
She added that she thinks that the secrecy does a disservice to straight military members, “99 percent of whom would just roll with it and be OK.”
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Clinton gave us visibility? I disagree, the thousands of gay men and women who had the courage to stand up and come out gave us visibility. I think Bill Clinton was a good President, however, I also think he handled the issue of gays in the military very poorly and then caved to pressure and threw us under the bus. A so called compromise that calls fro someone to lie and stay in the closet is no compromise at all. By the way, I don’t remember any gays ever being happy with DADT.
Although I understand the anger over DADT and DOMA, visibility was the one gift Clinton did give us. And judging from his memoirs, he’s more than a little pissed we never gave him “credit” for it.
Remember that before Clinton, nobody from the White House would even acknowledge the existence of LGBT people in the public sphere. Although the “gay movement” was well under way by the late 1970s, you wouldn’t know about it from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. From Carter to Bush Sr., the presidency maintained a strict communications blackout on the issue. When the White House did refer to us, they’d do so without mentioning us by name.
Clinton changed all that. He had openly gay friends. He actively campaigned for our votes. He’d mention us prominently in speeches and press releases. His adminsitration changed the way the media dealt with us.
While the former president has rightfully received low marks for the dismal practice of caving into GOP / Dixiecrat demands (and throwing us under the bus in exchange for passing “more important” legislation)… he did put gay issues on the national agenda for the very first time. And that was a big deal at the time.
Todd, as a lesbian officer in the United States Navy I find the policy utterly repulsive. My wife suffers like the other wives and husbands left at home for months on end with no visits; now with this policy my wife suffers because she can not call me or visit me (without paranoia of me loosing my career).
This policy does absolutley no good. I say thank you to Miss. Vanasco for touching on the subject that so many of us forget.
Our freedom (the little that gay Americans do have) is not free. I chose to lead my countries bravest and I do it proudly; I was not raised to think because I am a gay American I couldn’t or shouldn’t have this aspiration.
Thank God there are not more people like you raising our children Todd.
This is proof that gay rights IS a civil rights issue!
The issue is one of short sightedness folks.
We should all think back to when DADT first came into play. It was great! For the first time we had someone in power who at least ‘recognized’ the need to do SOMETHING. This is no different from any other policy that is first embraced, and is then abused. Stop blaming DADT and start working to modify/ameliorate it. DADT’s biggest flaw is that it was ‘targeted’ at gays. But so is hatred and intolerance. We were not smart enough at the time to make that distinction, and so we all embraced it. Now that we see the folly of it, we criticize. We should ALWAYS analyze our actions before jumping into the fire. That way we can go in with eyes wide OPEN. Ask yourselves: How can I make DATD a good thing? What needs to be done to ‘fix’ the policy?
Stop whining and DO something!!!!
I get the impression that todd and the rest of heterosexual america think that they own this country. Here’s a news flash for y’all. You should be thankful if you own the deed to your home. DADT is out the door. If these guys would clean up their own back yard before trying to clean up someone elses they may actually get somewhere iin life. Most of these awful crimes we hear about are commited by none other than the greater heterosexual population. food for thought.
“It’s a violation of the armed forces policy regarding homosexuality for a person to be in a same-sex relationship or to be married to or attempt to marry a person of the same-sex.”
No, it’s not.
It is a real shame that this day and age people can’t love who they want to love.
It makes me angry to think that if a person who becomes a naturalized citizen can serve in the Military but a person who was born here and who happens to be Gay can’t. What is the big fear? I wish Obama would tell the Gov’t that all persons who wish to serve the country can and those who don’t like it shut up,grow up or quit.
I wish all my fellow Gay Americans who choose to serve our Country a wonderful Holiday Season. Be safe and make us PROUD.
I always thought the one main cicumstance is the “going away” or “coming home” scenerio for military — ie: standing at the pier/airport…with all the families saying good-bye..and Gay/Lesbian soldiers..what, have to shake hands of thier partners? What kind of crap is that??….not even counting the benefits,perks,support and everything else military (str8 families) recieve….America is a disgrace!
You know the sad thing is that there would be a lot more qualified gay people who wound seriously consider the military option if it were not for DADT. When I graduate from law school, I’d love to join the JAG division of the army (great benefits and great legal experience), but I don’t want the additional burden and stress from DADT to affect my same-sex relationship and decision to have children. The U.S. military loses good folks because of DADT….
Todd:
I was in the Army as a young man who knew he was gay and I came through it OK. I understand the policy and have some sympathy for your view BUT it has almost always been a violation of some law or policy for me to exist. I am currently in the equivalent of a common-law marriage to a man but no such animal is acknowledged in the US. My relationship is illegal. When I woke up for most of my life, I was illegal in most of the States I lived in. If I let that sort of prohibition control my life, I would cease to have any sort of rational existence. Laws are usually way behind the way people live their lives. My life is a protest against ignorance and intolerance. Service members should not be denied the opportunity to serve our country due to a non-merit factor that does not have a bona fide business necessity.
At this years Toronto Pride the Canadian military was actively recruiting gays and lesbians (and handing out cool pro-gay/lesbian notepads) to join the army, airforce etc,,, so when I read this crap still goes on in the States I just shake my head at how narrow your leaders are. What a shame.
hey Todd..the policy is disgusting and Un-American – period! If other Friendly Western countries can have Gays/lesbian Open in thier military – then American CAN & SHOULD live up to its promise / or EMPTY words of LIBERTY & JUSTICE FOR ALL.
It’s a violation of the armed forces policy regarding homosexuality for a person to be in a same-sex relationship or to be married to or attempt to marry a person of the same-sex.
So who is at fault here? The military or the person that joined the military knowing such a policy existed in the first place and then violated it?
This is a very nice article that shows how things like DADT hurt people more than most would realize. As a former member of the Army, I can empathize with these servicemen and servicewomen. It’s time for DADT to go away and for the military to support ALL their hardworking members who give of themselves constantly.