Subscribe to Breaking NewsDavis: Keeping the Movies Safe for Straight Guys
Robert Downey Jr. gave what I thought was an amusing summary of his upcoming movie Sherlock Holmes to News of the World: “We’re two men who happen to be roommates, wrestle a lot and share a bed. It’s bad-ass.”
Cute, right? A wry little acknowledgement in the vein of Bert and Ernie jokes that, yes, Holmes and Watson are two dudes who spend an awful lot of time together, made by a guy who is comfortable enough with himself and the world in general to make such a joke.
The New York Post took that quote and ran with it yesterday. Putting clues together just like the great detective himself, they took Jude Law’s statement about the movie, “Guy wanted to make this about the relationship between Watson and Holmes,” and followed the trail all the way to the headline ‘GAY’ SHERLOCK HOLMES COULD BACKFIRE FOR GUY RITCHIE.
It’s so dumb it’s almost sweet and sort of exhausting at the same time, right?
Well, maybe more exhausting.
Former Post movie critic and current conservative radio host/talking head Michael Medved was at least bright enough to figure out that Downey might be kidding. But his reasoning was based on the “fact” that actual movies about gay men are simply too icktastic for straight people, especially noted straight guys like himself:
“There’s not a seething, bubbling hunger to see straight stars impersonating homosexuals,” Medved told us. “I think they’re just trying to generate controversy . . . They know that making Holmes and Watson homosexual will take away two-thirds of their box office. Who is going to want to see Downey Jr. and Law make out? I don’t think it would be appealing to women. Straight men don’t want to see it.”
At least he’s consistent. Here’s Medved on Brokeback Mountain, as quoted by ABC News:
“This is going to be a very tough movie to sell because the main audience for cowboy movies is supposed to be guys but for most American guys who are not gay, there’s a yewwwww factor to the idea of Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger getting too up close and personal on screen.”
Everybody got it? Medved is so straight that he does not want to have to see guys getting close to each other or think about the possibility of them making out, because ew. Or rather, yewwwww.
The fact that most gay people seem to be able to sit through movies that feature straight people making out without making loud retching noises is apparently irrelevant.
As is the fact that many straight people are, in fact, able to sit retch-free through movies that feature gay guys kissing. Is it that they’re not straight enough, or are they not moral enough?
Michael Medved has been a film critic for more than twenty years. Why does he still have a twelve-year-old’s need to let everyone know how straight he is and how well he conforms to what he thinks straight guys shouldn’t like?
He’s still doing the occasional movie review to let people know what’s “family friendly”. When gay parts come on, do you think he squinches up his eyes, sticks his fingers in his ears, and goes “Lalalalalala,” or do you think he just stands up and explains to the rest of the audience that he does not like this part, on account of no straight American would?
At any rate, I sincerely hope Mr. Medved gets comfortable enough with his straightness to be able to attend the movies in comfort. (I hope to God someone warned him about the swinging blue wang in Watchmen.)
In the meantime, I suppose he’d better just avoid any movie in which male characters might do something that straight guys shouldn’t enjoy.
That lets out Westerns (Brokeback ruined all of them, forever.), war movies (Sometimes a guy will hug another guy while he’s dying.), anything anywhere near a prison or a pirate ship, police dramas, buddy movies, comedies (Sometimes guys kiss by accident!), superhero movies, mafia movies (Kiss of death!) any movie set in a location hot enough that a guy might be compelled to take off his shirt, Bugs Bunny cartoons, and especially sports movies because you never know who might get sweaty, remove his shirt, or swat a teammate on the butt – maybe all at the same time.
OK, that doesn’t leave a lot. But I do have one movie left that Mr. Medved can watch in complete safety: George Cukor’s 1939 classic The Women. Not a man in the cast as far as the eye can see.
Gay men don’t enjoy it at all, Mr. Medved. I promise.
Now you’re not going to find me agreeing with 99% of Michael Medved’s positions. He is the only Right Wing commentator that I can even stomach listening to. (He does well on CNN.)
But Ali, you fail to mention that Medved actually liked Brokeback Mountain. He recommended it for adult audiences.
I generally agree with most of Medved’s movie reviews. He tends to review them based upon their expected audience. (ie – SciFi for SciFi fans, fantasy for fantasy fans) He will note language, violence, sex, etc. It’s not simply a “gay” thing.
Ya really should be a little more informed on how someone does their job before criticizing them.
Straight people kiss?…….Yewwww
Ms. Ali Davis, you must be (are) one of the wittiest, razor sharp, most intelligent woman on the planet Earth! I love your work—always. And a very special thank you for your wry comments in between clips of bringing us The Rachel Maddow Show. WE love you both!
@ScottNH–HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Was in Columbus last weekend for an, uh, event that, uh, might’ve had horny gay men as its primary constituency. The staff were cool. Got back to work, and yeah, I heard somebody make some comment like what you described. It’s always fun when the guy who says it is a guy you seem to have a strangely confusing rapport with…almost sexual energy…not that THAT ever happens when one of the guys is, uh, “str8.”
@Jacquemar et al–I know str8 women who like to watch guys make out. The women who like it are typically self-conscious, self-aware, and strong (my informal assessment). Some chick wants to watch me with a dude? Hell yeah! Maybe join in too–nothin’ wrong with that.
@Leeanne–again, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Not that anybody would wanna let Medved on the Gay Bus…he’d bring that Misery Funk Cloud with him and put everybody on a down.
Ali–there’s one str8-guy movie stereotype you left out. Of course men don’t cry at movies, right–unless it’s heroic, like “Brian’s Song.” You can cry about sports…right?…I mean, you’re not a homo if you cry about a dying football player?…
If there’s straight sex or stripping involved I generally have to look away. Not because it disgusts me, but because I end up wondering what in the world everyone else in the room will think of me.
My mother will try and make some cutesy remark to embarrass me because she’s incredibly annoying despite the fact she knows I’m gay. My stepdad, who doesn’t, will probably start thinking I’m straight.
..even then I just don’t care to see either of them in general, they just make the situation a bit complicated.
Adding Anne Rice and Patricia Nell Warren to Dermot’s list.
The lady doth protest too much, methinks. Time to call the homophobes on the carpet – why do they obsess about gay lovin’ so much? I used to work in hotels and invariably two businessmen sharing a hotel room would make a big scene at the front desk – ‘TWO beds, please!!! I like you, man, but not THAT way!’ – to which I always wanted to reply that I was gay myself and the farthest thing from my imagination was the idea of the two of them getting it on (OK, with VERY rare exception) – but apparently it was right there FRONT AND CENTER for them. The extent of the hypocrisy is amazing. How many titillating ‘Business Trips of Shame’ does the average salesman – or movie critic – take per year?
The presumption that straight women don’t like to see men making out is always kinda funny to me. Sure, maybe there are a lot of women who don’t. But I know of a lot of women who do. Their ranks include writers of gay male fiction, artists of gay male romance art, and more or less the entire community of Japanese “yaoi” producers along with their mainly female fans.
In fact, for a perfect example of how influential straight women can be in the process, you need not look further than Brokeback Mountain itself: Book written by Annie Proulx (a straight woman), and screenplay co-written by Diana Ossana (another straight woman). Was Michael Medved aware of that when he proclaimed that fictional gay male relationships could not appeal to straight women?
Medved is has always been a conservative bore.I clued into his intolerance years ago,and have no interest, on his take on movies.
Well, Medved has proven himself to be wrong yet again.
I too would love to see Downey Jr. and Law get it on, (is it hot in here or is it just me).
As far as straight women not finding man on man action hot: 2 things
1) Does he feel that straight men don’t like to watch two hot women together? He sounds horribly sexist to me if he feels it’s ok for guys to watch women, but not women to desire seeing two guys
2)I had a friend in college who loved gay porn because she loved to watch hot guys together.
Actually a lot of straight women enjoy seeing two men make out. And the numbers appear to be growing.
Michael Medved wouldn’t know a quality movie if it came up and blew him.
Oh – wait – by definition, no quality entity of any kind would lower themselves to that level.
The thing is Medved is probably a homo himself. With a harem at home of male erotics he clearly has no idea how my gag reflex reacts when I see breeder movies.
I’ve got news for Michael Medved, my sister and her best friend rented QAF for the sole reason that they wanted to watch guys macking with each other. Women who haven’t been corrupted with conservative morality often find it intriguing.
The writer of the article makes a good point, and so does citizenzero. We manage to sit through straight movies with straight sex in them, yet we can stomach it. Why can’t straights do the same? But I also agree with citizenzero: I tend to cringe when the women start stripping.
This was hilarious! “Yewwww”, who does that? Also, yeah… I’d love to see Jude Law and Downey getting it on! Who wouldn’t? I do something cringe a little when there’s a girl on girl scene in a movie, or when there’s just far too much full frontal from the female actors (if there was full frontal from the male actors i’m all for it), but I try to not make it as obvious as to say yewww when it comes across the screen.
Maybe I’ll start doing that when a straight couple kisses anywhere in my vicinity.
http://www.citizenzero.us