March 21st, 2010
 

365 Gay: Living

Killing ourselves with hate

, Special to 365gay.com

 That’s how Belinda Cummings* felt – as if she could not go on. And didn’t want to.

 “The conflict between what I was being taught at home and what I felt was so intense, I just had to release the pain. I started cutting my arms, but it wasn’t enough. And then one night I just took the razor and slit my wrists.”

 Cummings was 13 when she began cutting herself and had just turned 15 when she slit her wrists and nearly bled to death in her grandmother’s bathroom.

“I can’t explain the urge for release that I had at that time,” she said. “I just couldn’t keep up the whole act of being one thing at home, another at school, another in my head, another in my body, another at church. It was just too much. I was just being twisted into so many different directions and not one of them felt good. I just wanted it over. I couldn’t be going to church and feeling like I could overcome it all and then the minute I was at school and seeing other girls–and especially the ones I had crushes on–I felt all messed up again. It was just too much. I have to say, when I cut my wrists open that day and the blood started to spurt out, I felt like I had done the right thing.”

Belinda’s aunt came home unexpectedly and found the unconscious girl on the bathroom floor. Although she needed a transfusion to save her life, Belinda survived. But her first suicide attempt was followed almost immediately by a second.

“I had only been home from the hospital for a few days when I tried to kill myself again,” said Cummings. “I took a bunch of pills. But it was either too much or not enough, because I just threw them all up. That’s when I decided that maybe I wasn’t supposed to die after all.”

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  • John Said: September 4th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
    • It’s time that 365 gay.com heard from those gay Americans who are not thrilled by the “queer label”. They need to know that for some of us older gay men that the “queer label” is just about as appetizing as a bowl filled with moldy slime. This label has not reached 100% acceptance for a number of older gay men and women and never will.

  • Chris Sullivan Said: September 4th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
    • John – I understand completely. It really isn’t an ideal word by any stretch of the imagination. On the other hand, there are now people using acronyms that are so long – they are laughable – to represent our entire community. The sad truth is that I haven’t heard any word that encompasses most everyone that sounds good either.

  • RichieNJ Said: September 4th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
    • John/Chris- I am not a fan of the word either. It was used against me while growing up, and brings an ill feeling when I hear it used by anyone outside the community. Do you think it is a younger generation trying to own a word that was once used against the community, similar to how within black circles, for a period (and failed I believe), the ‘N’ word was used?

  • Chris Sullivan Said: September 4th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
    • RichieNJ – That’s exactly why it was used – in an attempt to take what had previously been a negative word and to “disempower” the word by using it as a term of our own. I think it met with marginal success with groups such as “Queer Nation” and TV shows like “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” – but ultimately, you really can’t disassociate a word from its own long and sordid history completely and it seems to have lost favor lately – which I’m actually happy for.

  • Megan Said: September 4th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
    • how about looking at the bigger picture guys….suicide, teen, bullying, remember? Well, I sure do, cause it almost happened to me. Not a good place to be and feel like you’ve got no one to turn to. Thank the universe that I found a friend to talk to that cared enough about me to actually listen and not judge. I wish i had known of a hot line to call. i thought i was the only one going through all that. I graduated high school in 96, a pretty progressive time and lived in a nice diverse neighborhood in new jersey. it was still hard for me. i think i could have grown up in the Village in NYC and still had those feelings. Support is needed for these kids. Glad to see the article putting it out there…

  • Chris Sullivan Said: September 4th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
    • Megan – The big picture is being seen. I lived in NYC until I was 10 and then in NJ until I was 22 and returned to NYC then. I know what a lonely and isolating place NJ can be and I was going through all that in the mid to late 80’s! Long before the “Will & Grace” era. To be honest, I doubt you would have gone through the same experience if you had been in NYC. There are/were numerous outlets and resources for GLBT people there. I’ve made many friends who grew up entirely in NYC and they didn’t go through half the coming out stress that I did. I also know about anti-gay violense. I was pushed by some straight guy at a straight bar who I guess thought I was gay – when I wasn’t looking – and went through a glass window that cut open my head, face, arms and back. I was in shock and didn’t know I was as hurt as I was. Bleeding profusely, I was allowed to merely walk home and almost bled to death on my living room floor that night. Peeling my head off the carpet the next morning, making my way on the train to the hospital but passing out at one of the stations – only to be awoken in the Emergency Room. To make matters worse, the police, gay community and gay press here in Chicago not only didn’t help – they made matters far worse. So I do come from a sense of knowing the larger picture and when I can, I support as many programs as possible in their outreach efforts. As hard as it stillis for many young GLBT people, times have been harder. My concern is that with all the progress we have made, why so many young people are still so prone this state of feeling about themselves. My only guess is that anti-gay sentiment is still very high in school and that children of people that are very gay (usually very religious) still internalize so very much of all that. I grew up in a very religious catholic family and it did nothing but f**k with my head and destroy my family relationships. It can be a tough ride – coming out, gaining a sense of yourself, especially when it feels you do so much of that by yourself – but slowly, I’d like to think that we are making progress. This article was helpful in addressing the issues before us and I’m glad 365gay.com has included it here.

  • Michael Said: September 4th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
    • I’m glad that you posted it. As a teenager myself, I experienced such harassment addressed in this article; physical and emotional. I realize that conditions aren’t as bad as they were in some adults’ childhoods that are on this site, but they still aren’t glorious. At least not in America. I live in a small town in Oklahoma, and you can imagine what that’s like. There are no GSA’s or anything, but I’m glad I’ve come to terms with myself so I don’t take what these bigots say to heart. Thanks.

  • Mario Said: September 5th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
    • “Penn State University psychologist Anthony D’Augelli [...] says their rate of suicide attempts is more than double the average of heterosexual teens.
      [...]
      That means LGBT teens are between 30 and 40 percent more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers.”

      That doesn’t make any sense.

  • Will Said: September 6th, 2008 at 5:46 am
    • HEY HEY….how rude. Story publisher. You forgot to add Bisexuals.They exist and right to be heard and equal.

      Everyone is prone to hatered abuse. Regardless of sexuality or anything to what humans will bully to and regardless of data. Witch are always inaccurate when you have to wonder.On what basis of people there questioned to.Such as to ask to gays. But is it mostly to white gays, black, Asians, teens, older, disabled. It makes A difference.

      Where I live just say even that it is thought to be more gay-ish friendly. I was still prone to bad abuse. Family tried to threat kill me.In school.Even other gay students tried suicide.That is i knew from others who found out. Some smart, moved.Hey even add KKK to my problems.

  • TigerTzu Said: September 6th, 2008 at 6:06 am
    • The funny thing about labels is that in many cases the more detailed they try to be, the less accurate they are. I persoanlly find most labels distasteful and when I am asked what I prefer to be called, I simly reply “human”. I also believe that being labeled by our sexuality does us more harm than good. It takes from us our humanity and sums us up as merely an object. Personally I find my orientation to be one of the least important aspects of my whole being, somewhat in the same manner that some black people feel about being defined by the color of their skin. I proposed in my commentary on another article that perhaps it is time to do away with sexuality-based labels since this pretty much defines the struggle as one of sexual preference, rather than civil rights and equality. I tend to favor the term Second-Class Citizen (SCC) Community in that it clearly defines our struggle much more accurately. It does not detract from our “gayness” but rather accentuates what it is really all about…equality.

  • Corey Lynxx Said: September 6th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
    • There are so many untrue “facts” in this article I don’t even know where to begin. It’s beyond disturbing to me that the older gay/lesbian people would assume that we have it so much better. The truth of the matter is, we have it so much worse. Homophobia and gay bashing is worse than it ever has been before. By the time I graduated high school in 04 I had been beaten, had my skill slammed into a wall, over $3,000 worth of vandalism damage done to my car and daily death threats thrown at me. This was a public school mind you and when you are gay and get bullied 99% of the time the school administrators are conservative extremists who think that it’s your fault for being out of the closet and that you’re wrong for being gay. There is no safe place!!! People are getting shot in the liberal Los Angeles area for being gay, that’s how strong the anti-gay hatred in this country is. I saw where it said some 54% of American’s think that being gay is ok. Yeah right, 99.9% of straight america thinks that we are disgusting and that is the truth. My question to all my gay, lesbian and transgendered brothers and sisters is this… where is all this optimism coming from? We are still 1 of the most hated and persecuted people to ever walk the face of this Earth, it’s time to let pessimism take over and become enraged at the daily injustices that we face!!! Only angry people get things done. Remember that.

  • Doug in NYC Said: September 8th, 2008 at 9:38 am
    • The notion that “psychological autopsies” somehow discovered “30 percent of LGBT youth among these dead teens” is a preposterous statement.

      First, what was undoubtedly meant was that 30% OF THE SUICIDES were LGBT, not that 30% of ALL LGBT TEENS commit suicide.

      That’s a huge distinction, and not a subtle one.

      Second, the methodology of these “psychological autopsies” (guesswork?) is not described here.

      Yet that’s precisely what we need to know before we even consider accepting the notion that LGBT teens commit (or attempt) suicide at higher rates than straight teens.

      Basically this article asks us to take its premise on faith (as its author does).

      In recent decades, this rumor of high suicide rates in the LGBT community has been repeated so often that it has gained currency as a some sort of established, scientific fact.

      Yet there is no science behind it.

      I gather that it stems from, and is perpetuated by, and feeds into, a reflexive and habitual woe-is-me attitude that usually follows this pattern:

      1.) Yeah, we have it tough.
      2.) I can imagine how some kids might not be able to cope (even though I muddled through somehow).
      3.) I can imagine how some kids might kill themselves (although I didn’t).
      4.) Somebody ought to do something about it!
      5.) Yeah, we have it tough!

      And around and around this rumor goes!

  • Quasi Said: September 8th, 2008 at 10:13 am
    • Corey Lynxx Said: “My question to all my gay, lesbian and transgendered brothers and sisters is this… where is all this optimism coming from?”

      I think we are called “GAY” for a reason. We are “GAY”. Perhaps we hide our innermost feelings to the public, and probably rightfully so. I do not want them to know they are “getting to me”. By our external “GAY” personas, I am sure they wonder while we are “smiling” when they feel so (internally) bad themselves. And some of their hatred comes at us because they perceive us as happy and enjoying life when they are not.

      I certainly have been a great deal happier and satisfied with my life once I came out and was honest with and to myself. I neither pursue nor do I want their approval. I just want the legal rights that I deserve, as do all citizens of the United Sates.

      In any case, we all have to make the best of a bad situation, and I sure would rather be “happy and GAY” than “miserable and heterosexual”. I tried the hetero stuff once for a couple of years, and my wife and I both ended up being miserable. I decided if only one of us was to be happy, then it might as well be me. I cannot make anyone else happy, but I sure did make someone else miserable.

      Now I have been a proud and happy “GAY” man in a 32 year relationship, and looking for at least 18 more.

  • Joshua Said: December 7th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
    • I am a gay teen. I havent attempted suicide, but I have had that thought in my mind so much during my coming out. I never attempted, beccause I looked to what future I would have. I wanted to make a difference , and become who I felt inside that I am supposed to be. I realized that looking back when I’m older, I would say that i was strong. I’m glad that I read this. Thank you!!!
      :D

  • Ed Said: May 11th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
    • I was a teen who was bullied a lot in Jr. High and High School. The word “queer” was used synonymously with the word “faggot.” It is hurtful. You can not put a new coat of paint on it and say now we own the word. We are the most creative people in the world. Surley we can come up with an encompassing term that includes our community without recycling something that originally was insulting. I have heard the concept of the rainbow community being used. This may not be perfect but it is certainly a step in a better direction than “queer.”

 
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