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Loading ...Neff: Unmarried-partner bliss
"Could I be the target audience for “Unmarried and Single Americans Week”?"
“Unmarried people include those who were never married, widowed, or divorced unless otherwise noted,” states my most recent press release from the U.S. Census Bureau.The release is one of the nifty announcements the government puts out to help reporters come up with stories for holidays. If you’ve ever read a news report that offered an estimate on the number of hot dogs served for July 4, you can make a good guess that the figure came from the Census Bureau’s “Facts for Features.”
I’m scanning through the release as I wait for the rest of the crowd to dress for my partner’s sister’s wedding — a tropical-themed affair in the sweltering heat of east Iowa in August. For as long as I can remember, other women have taken far longer than I to dress up. They prepare. I step into a pair of pressed slacks, put on a top, rough up my hair, step into a pair of dress shoes and … ta-da.
So, I have much time to waste with the “Facts for Features” on “Unmarried and Single Americans Week,” observed across the country from Sept. 21-27 this year if you want to note the date — or make one.
This week of merrymaking began as the “National Singles Week” by the Buckeye Singles Council in Ohio in the 1980s to celebrate single life and singles’ contribution to society.
The celebration matured into “Unmarried and Single Americans Week” to also include those who are not legally married but cringe at being considered “single” — the widowed, the lone parent, the engaged, the dating and the “partnered.”
As I study the press release, I know that my partner’s sister will know exactly where she stands after she says “I do” to her guy before a crowd of her 120 closest friends and relatives. She will not be celebrating “Unmarried and Single Americans Week.” There is no gray area in her situation — it’s as black and white as a traditional tux and bridal gown.
But I tell you, I’m perplexed: Could I be the target audience for “Unmarried and Single Americans Week”?
I have been in my relationship with my girlfriend, partner, significant other for going on 16 years and I’m wondering if we’re expected to join in the observation of “Unmarried and Single Americans Week.”
My partner and I have watched numerous friends and relatives — gay and straight — pair up and part. Some of the relationships were severed by annulments, some by divorce, some by pack-it-up splits.
We’ve hit a few rough patches — really, just a few — and stayed together not as “unmarried Americans” but as spouses committed to one another and a future. We sometimes talk about how we’ll look, feel, behave when we’re older and grayer. We’ve even used animation software to create cartoons of our old selves. We’re looking forward to those sunshine years in our Florida sunshine.
We don’t have any papers — no certificates, no licenses, no wills — to document our union. We never exchanged vows with a serious ceremony or a big party. And we know that we are not legally married.
But we certainly are not “single.”
Neither are we “unmarried,” in my mind.
But I read on in the “Facts for Features” release, which informs me that statistically speaking from the Census’ perspective I am one of 92 million “Americans 18 and older” considered unmarried in the government’s count.
With 15-plus years of commitment, I am included in the “60 percent of unmarried Americans 18 and older who have never been married.” So is my spouse.
I read on.
There are 6 million “unmarried-partner households” in the United States, including 5.2 million opposite-sex “unmarried-partner households” and 780,000 same-sex “unmarried-partner households.”
I’ve complained about the “unmarried-partner” label in the past, to which a common reply was “Move to Massachusetts” and now can be “Go to California.” Before “Move to Massachusetts” I heard, “Go to the Netherlands.”
Of course, how simple, lots of people go to Amsterdam to exchange their vows, lots of people take their weddings across the Atlantic.
Say, wouldn’t it be interesting to read a “Facts for Features” press release from the Census Bureau that included how many miles members of same-sex “unmarried-partner households” had to travel to become members of same-sex “married-partner households”?
And now, finally, I’m heading out for my partner’s sister’s wedding — and that “I do” moment when the Census Bureau loses two people in the “unmarried” category and the organizers of “Unmarried and Single Americans Week” lose two past celebrants.
May they be as happy in the marriage as my partner and I have been in our “unmarried” bliss.
P.S. The next holiday up on the “Facts for Features” calendar is Halloween.
I forgot to mention a good source for Living Trust, Wills and Power of Attorneys that can be done rather cheaply and quickly is legalzoom.com. I have used them and very satisfied.
I am amazed by the large number of gay couples that do not legally protect themselves. A Living Trust, Living Will, Health Care Power Of Attorny and Durable Power of Attorney are a must for every gay couple. They are rather cheap to have down because you do not need a lawyer to do them. It is a matter of receiving the forms fill them out and wittnessed by two and notorized. If you have not done so get going and do it. Gay couples in America need to start acting like they are married by claiming it.
Similarly, the UK allows foreign gay people to enter in a civil partnership provided one of them is a resident. Civil partnerships offer all of the rights and privileges of marriage across the UK without the name, though that may change in the future.
Same-sex foreign couples can be married in Canada. There is no requirement of residency or for one person in the couple to be Canadian. Nor is there a requirement for the marriage to be recognized in the couple’s home country.
Same sex foreign couples are not allowed to marry in the Netherlands. One of the two must be a Dutch citizen or a resident thereof. Belgium does not allow gay foreigners to marry unless the country of origin honors same-sex partnerships. Spain I believe allows gay foreigners to marry there and also recognizes the UK’s civil partnerships as valid. South Africa I believe allows gay foreigners to marry there provided one is a resident.
I also agree with Jay, having not protection for your partner is not something to brag about. I would not let others know that i have not dose what it takes to care for my partner if i die or become ill. But then i see that you plan on spending your gray years in florida. So might be in denial about your rights and how to protect them in general.
I agree with Jay about the importance of doing everything that we can to protect our surviving partner if one of us should die, become seriously ill or both.
My partner and I have been together for nearly 13 years and have lived in four states during that time. Each move has required that we spend several hundred dollars (at minimum) in an attempt to provide the most basic protections that our opposite-sex friends and siblings enjoy in their marriages at no additional cost whatsoever. It’s a standard feature that full-right Americans have as part of their citizenship package. “Pay your taxes and we’ll watch your back”, says Uncle Sam. Even at that, we’ve always been advised that such legal documents (between same-sex partners) are among the most easily contested cases in our court systems. We do it anyway.
Wouldn’t you think that we (as same-sex partners) should have a choice of either: equal rights and protection under the law for equal tax liability, or discounted tax liability for discounted rights and protection? But the only options we have are to pay full price for discounted service–or leave.
We pay the same amount in taxes and pay the same amount into the Social “Security” fund; yet when I die my partner will not continue to receive my Social Security benefits, nor will the amount that I paid in all those years be added (in part) to his future benefits–as it is with opposite-sex couples.
It makes me wonder if we (as same-sex couples, in general) enable our government to treat us as if we’re unworthy of full rights and protection because we love this country so very much, or if we care so little for ourselves and one another that we’re unwilling to truly take a stand. Ambivalence is as dangerous as hatred; just as inaction is as devastating as terrorism. The results are the same in both cases. In my thinking, we have only two options: tough love or tough breaks. America: Love it enough to change it; or leave it, so you can love and respect yourself.
I agree with Jay about the importance of doing everything that we can to protect our surviving partner if one of us should die, become seriously ill or both.
My partner and I have been together for nearly 13 years and have lived in four states during that time. Each move has required that we spend several hundred dollars (at minimum) in an attempt to provide the most basic protections that our opposite-sex friends and siblings enjoy in their marriages at no additional cost whatsoever. It’s a standard feature that full-right Americans have as part of their citizenship package. “Pay your taxes and we’ll watch your back”, says Uncle Sam. Even at that, we’ve always been advised that such legal documents (between same-sex partners) are among the most easily contested cases in our court systems. We do it anyway.
Wouldn’t you think that we (as same-sex partners) should have a choice of either: equal rights and protection under the law for equal tax liability, or discounted tax liability for discounted rights and protection? But the only options we have are to pay full price for discounted service–or leave.
We pay the same amount in taxes and pay the same amount into the Social “Security” fund; yet when I die my partner will not continue to receive my Social Security benefits, nor will the amount that I paid in all those years be added (in part) to his future benefits–as it is with opposite-sex couples.
It makes me wonder if we (as same-sex couples, in general) enable our government to treat us as if we’re unworthy of full rights and protection because we love this country so very much that we’re willing to stay here even as partial-right citizens, or if we care so little for ourselves and one another that
I’m amazed at the ignorance of America in not recognizing it’s same-sex unions. I recently read that even Uruguay has same-sex rights now…so we’re behind Uruguay?
Your story is an inspiring one, being together 16 years, creating old cartoons, and working through the hard times.
I wonder why it is that we’re not counted as lesbians/gay men in long-term committed relationships? Then I realize it’s likely the jealousy over our great sex.
Lisa Neff states: “We don’t have any papers — no certificates, no licenses, no wills — to document our union.”
In my opinion, this is not something about which one should brag; it’s just foolhardy and a blatant lack of disregard for the well-being of one’s partner.
In most states of the US, the absolute minimum we should secure for our partners are a will and durable power of attorney. Has Ms. Neff not bothered to read the horror stories of GBLT’s who have neglected these crucial duties?
For shame!
Jay