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Lee Quillian, now retired from the Navy, remembers one holiday season when she was serving on a ship in the Middle East.
All the other sailors were going to a special room to film video messages to their sweethearts. But not Quillian. She didn't record a message. She couldn't. Because her partner is a woman.
Quillian and her partner Jenny Kopsstein are just two of the thousands of gay couples affected by Don't Ask, Don't Tell. The policy, which forbids disclosure of a gay identity while serving in the military, is challenging under the best of circumstances – but during the holidays it becomes particularly dire.
"The holidays bring up memories, expectations," said Trey Malicoat, a therapist who has worked with servicemembers. "There are more parties, more activities, there's a financial drain. For gay soldiers, there's the added burden of not being able to talk about home, about where he or she would like to be, about the person who has the most significance in his or her life."
Malicoat says that this added burden can bring anxiety, depression and an increased sense of isolation to servicemembers who already feel isolated.
This is true even for military members who are serving in the U.S. and can go home at the end of the day.
"Even while I'm here stateside at lunch, people are talking about what presents they're going to buy their wife or girlfriend – I'm part of the group but I can't be part of the discussion," said Elizabeth, an officer in the Army. Elizabeth married her partner in Massachusetts a year ago (they've been together seven years), but they still need to keep their relationship a secret.
"It's very difficult to abide by the policy and not talk about what's really going on in your life and at the same time try to connect with your fellow servicemembers. And you are supposed to connect pretty deeply, because we are supposed to put our lives on the line for each other," Elizabeth said.
She added that she thinks that the secrecy does a disservice to straight military members, "99 percent of whom would just roll with it and be OK."
Extraordinary precautions
Servicemembers say that they have to take the most extraordinary precautions for the most ordinary activities. They need to watch everything they say, using gender neutral pronouns or making up a significant other of the opposite gender. They need to hide who sent them care packages, who sent them a letter, who they write to themselves. If they're deployed in a foreign country, their partners need to limit calls to the shared phone, lest others on the base (who usually answer that phone) begin to suspect something is up. Quillian, who was on a ship, couldn't call Kopsstein at all – ship calls are all monitored by Navy personnel.
"We definitely had less contact than a straight couple would have," Quillian said. "Our goodbyes had to take place at home. And Jenny couldn't be on a pier waiting for me during homecomings, even though every other sailor was kissing and hugging."
It's tough on the person at home, too. The military has an excellent support system for family members left behind that includes counseling, a newsletter updating families on unit activities, and support groups and networks. But gay partners of servicemembers can't take advantage of any of that. If they do, they risk outing their partner – who under the policy will then lose their job.
"Under Don't Ask, Don't Tell, you go years and years having to hide who you are," said Quillian's partner Kopsstein, who herself was in the military before she told her commander that she was a lesbian. "The policy affects how you relate to people, your friendships, your work relationships, everything."
"I waste a lot of time protecting my conversations in ways I shouldn't have to," Elizabeth said. "I think it's very tiring. I'm tired of it. I'm a good soldier and a good citizen. It's ridiculous that I have to hide my real life."
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©365Gay.com
2006
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