Subscribe to Breaking News
Loading ...Besen: A click away from love
Is ManHunt, the wildly popular online cruising site with the slogan “get on, get off,” a blessing or a curse for gay men?
The Out commentary points to the benefits of the site, but posits that it also has, “a tendency to isolate us, encourage objectification, and diminish our sense of life’s nonsexual possibilities.”
“For a long time it has been considered normal to be on the net,” Hollywood physician Gary Cohan said in the article. “We need to start thinking, that’s not normal.”
In his most powerful passage, Goss laments that cruising on ManHunt has come with a steep social cost. “I don’t like to think about the number of books I could have read, languages I could have learned, and friends I could have stayed in better touch with if I had not wasted so much time cruising online these past 12 years.”
Why are gay men spending so much time online? Why are the profiles so explicit? Do sites like ManHunt, as the author claims, “exaggerate our propensity to objectify each other?”
I don’t necessarily think so and believe that gay online culture is a result of the law of supply and demand. There are simply too few potential partners suitable for relationships. To make up for this husband deficit, we are thrust into fierce competition – which is reflected by the level of skin shown in many of our online ads.
Here is the hard truth – if you are looking for a life partner the numbers are not in your favor. If you take the total number of gay men in your city, subtract the number you are not sexually compatible with, minus the ones who have deal breaking habits, minus the guys who you have nothing in common with, minus the pathological closet cases who play straight while playing around online, minus the ones who just plain annoy you – the universe of potential mates is remarkably limited.
This harsh reality is true for gay men in large cities and especially for rural gay men who can’t find a hunk in Podunk.
What we are talking about is sexual Darwinism and it affects straight people too. Heterosexuals also trudge through the snow for a night of speed dating, have online profiles and spend lonely evenings in bars looking for Mr. or Ms. Right. Like us, when they have uninspiring one night stands they remind themselves that there are more fish in the sea. When they cast their nets, however, they do so in the ocean, while we are fishing in a pond. The exponentially higher number of potential mates, combined with the fact that straight people can flirt anywhere without fear of getting bashed, creates an entirely different dating experience.
ManHunt – much like the earlier gay bar cruising scene – reflects the understanding that we must show off what we’ve got because there are limited opportunities. We don’t want someone we are interested in to never get to experience our great personality because someone distracted him with a naughty picture – so we show a little more than we might like in order to compete in this cutthroat marketplace.
Until we learn to clone gay people or magically convert heterosexuals – as the religious right imagines we can – we will have a sexualized culture as we try to get the upper hand, so we won’t have to settle for our hand.
Such hyper-competition can best be seen at large Pride celebrations, where normally staid gay men bear all because for a few hours the dating pool increases by several hundred thousand. This behavior mirrors the way many small town women act (think skimpy clothes and perfume wafting through the air) when a Navy ship docks, increasing their odds of finding a husband.
Goss concludes in Out that online hookups can be harmful because “decoupling sex from emotion is a fool’s errand.” But, I’m not sure that such decoupling is going on most of the time.
Online meeting is a utilitarian audition where the actor usually doesn’t get a callback. It isn’t because he didn’t read his lines well – he just might not be right for the part. What sites like ManHunt do, is give busy gay professionals the opportunity to kiss enough frogs before they hopefully find a prince – which is no guarantee.
As the article points out, this process can be tiresome, frustrating, even addictive, as gay men feel as if they are one click away from love.
And, the truth is, they are – or it could be one million taps on the mouse to find a spouse. There is no sugar coating that in a small community of limited partners, if you want a man you have to hunt – hence the success of ManHunt. All one can do is keep his head up and never forget that the next online fling might lead to a diamond ring.
I’m in a long-term open relationship (17 years). I go online for friendly, no-strings hookups. It may be total objectification, but at least I’m honest about it. I have a non-cyber social existence too.
I also think there are plenty of guys out there who are not looking for a husband, who enjoy being single, and want an occasional hookup. Again, if you’re honest about it, why is it a problem?
Let’s stop trying to emulate Ozzy & Harriet, gentlemen.
It seems so many of you guys out there are extremely lonely and need an actual body to talk to and be with. Maybe you do need to get out and meet other men. It is fun to make new friends and hopefully find Mr. Right. But you do need social skills{i hate that phrase}to be an interesting guy and not just a nice piece of meat. Me, i have a man that i met the old way,at work. Been together 31 years now. I wouldn’t trade him in for all the beautiful young,hung idiots at the bars. We laugh and have a good time together. Good luck and hope you find a loving companion too. Gotta go,he’s fixing breakfast.
Wow..Now I don’t do manhunt.
A mall here (N. Y.) used to have a gay club.Gone since 93. Can’t say it is a decline because of internet.But I do see the muteing of gays.In many ways. Even to develop S.A.D. isolated lives to fear, abuse & due to Internet & to the said sites.It does kill people off. In multiple ways.Same goes to the poor issue of gays. Yet we do need to be..you know…outside and with others.And do things as A community.But as a part of it. It is annoying in the sense we have to alienate are selves. But most I know, act all well snotty.and act like stuck in A rut.And I don’t like it to alienate are selves as A whole to connect with the breeders.Other gays then.As they say “it isn’t me”.I feel it is B.S.on there part. Soo many gays do need A kick in the ass.To get them out. Seriously getting old being in the closet.But we do need to work with the breeders….all for one..one for all..or fall apart.
Because of the Internet and places like gay.com or manhunt.net, most of the gay bars in Orlando, FL have closed this year, for a lack of clientle. The younger generation are spending less money, looking online and hopefully are less inebriated. The streets may be safer with fewer drunks on the road at 2am, but it diminishes the community a great deal. Now there will be fewer fund raising events, fewer “live and interactive” events where one gets to know people on a more personal basis. I oft imagine Heaven as a place which plays loud booming lively dance music, has flashing lights, big butt-bumping crowds, and a free-flowing drinking fountain of flourescent girly drinks. Give me the days of the 1980’s disco in West Hollywood. Anyone who is GLBT (or has such clientele) and contributes to the right-wing bigots will probably loose their shirt if the Elephants get elected. Good luck Manhunt! I am glad I never knew ye.
I can certainly attest to this living in a mid-sized city. The Internet is about all there is here. We have three bars, but they aren’t that great. Manhunt here is nothing but a sex/hookup site. The number of local profiles featuring at least one face picture is probably less than 5% versus completely non-face pictures (you know what I mean). Fortunately there are some sites that aren’t quite as brazen as Manhunt. And yet those either don’t have a large number of locals on them, or if they do (like in the case of gay.com chat rooms), they are dominated by the under-25 crowd. I’ve lived here seven years without having more than one or two dates with a handful of locals. Yet the attention I get online is far greater… usually in proportion to how far away they live! Anyway I’m thinking in another few years it’ll be time to find a bigger pond. The search might still be tough, but I need to be somewhere where there are at least SOME real-life social opportunities — not just on-line cruising.
Regardless of your opinions about Manhunt, please keep in mind that the owner and developer of Manhunt is a solid unashamed supporter of McCain. He has already contributed the maximum amount he can to the candidate who would actively oppose even civil unions, gay adoption, workplace protection and who would nominate judges to the Supreme Court who would most likely take away the rights that we have earned over the last 20 years. If you have any questions about this, check the article at Towleroad.com. Bottom line, Manhunt might be a good thing for us, but the owner of Manhunt is definitely not good for us.
This article “hit the nail on the head.” I have lived in towns with populations of 900, 60,000, and 1.2 million. In small towns and cities the only resource you have is the internet. There are no gay organizations or even gay bars in which to meet other gays. The only men online in small areas are typically closeted or married men who can only commit to a short, occassional fling. I believe where we need to begin our concentrated efforts to change our social scene is in the larger cities. Gay ghettos in large, urban areas tend to be diminishing but I believe we need to invest more money and energy to keep them in tact. In addition, we need to expand more of the places to socialize in these ghettos, beyond the typical bars. We should encourage community activism as a way to create social change but, at the same time, it will give us the opportunity to meet more potential husbands.
I’m 22, so I don’t know if I’m young enough to be the “younger generation” so oft referenced. But I can tell you what I see in my peers, and in those younger than I.
First off, kids are coming out younger and younger. I might agree that I have a type of “social retardation”, but I would attribute that MUCH more to a literal lack of “practice” with dating. I was not among those who was out in highschool. And the social mores in the places available to me right now to meet people can be unique, when they’re not flat out bizarre. Normal dating is difficult for the reasons mentioned, namely a still-present fear of being bashed.
Truth is, we’ve got some problems, sure, but I see a whole new wave of kids fighting to be allowed to form GSAs, a whole generation of kids more courageous than I was who are learning, very early, how to band together and fight back.
Backroom or chat room, we’ll always have folks who don’t see the world outside of that experience, but I don’t think that’s new. Just the “how” might be.
So many young men today seem to be “socially constipated” when out in regular social situations – where more is expected of them than talking about their dick size and where using chatroom shorthand doesn’t work.
I agree that there is an unusually high amount of social retardation among young people who spend too much time online or text messaging. They hang on to their phones like Teddy bears.
I met my boyfriend on Craig’s List, so I am not condemning Internet sex/dating. But, I think a discussion of the broader impact of how we socialize is important. It all comes down to moderation, as with anything.
I met my hubby almost 17 years ago, in the very first years of the internet, on a local Seattle bulletin board called “28 Barbary Lane”. They used to have a monthly get-together where members could meet each other in a safe setting, so we met at one of those, and we’ve been virtually inseparable ever since.
Like anything, too much internet can lead to introversion and a lack of actual interaction with other human beings in real life. But I also think that the potential good that comes from online hook-ups outweighs the bad.
Besen makes some good points (I agree, per his usual) about Manhunt et al: highly competitive, much work for limited return, similarities between gay men’s online activities and straights’ bar and mating activities, etc. Having not yet gotten a diamond ring out of it, I blogged about Gross’s article on 7 August 2008 at http://www.jimboland.com/2008/08/07/gay-mens-culture-missing-generations-and-the-hunt-for-love/ in an article entitled, Gay Men’s Culture, Missing Generations, and the Hunt for Love. Although this could be seen as a generational matter, these technologies can flatten such differences, and carry potential for fostering intergenerational connections. I think that that is the Internet’s telling point: 1) ethically we are lagging in keeping up with this and similar technologies in understanding and deploying them and 2) this is a potentiated technology and how we use and are shaped by it is up to us.
To: Doug – Must be MY age showing, I have no idea what the heck you are referencing – my guess is either pills ala “Valley of the Dolls” or some hanky color code (neither of which I am familiar with). But I’m guessing you posted this response to amuse yourself anyway – so I hope it worked!
Dear Chris — Did you get the yellow one, the light blue satiny one, or the big red and black one?
Geez. Now I’m depressed. I’m not even on manhunt, so I’m probably doomed.
Great article Wayne (as always). This brings to mind the larger effect that the internet age has on the younger generations who have these kinds of options. So many young men today seem to be “socially constipated” when out in regular social situations – where more is expected of them than talking about their dick size and where using chatroom shorthand doesn’t work. On some level, I would say there is in fact a certain degree of objectification. Instead of meeting other gay men in larger social situations and being compelled to learn to develop social skills – the online experience is far more like a back room experience than a bar scene. It’s fine for what it is, just don’t expect too much from it. Ultimately, you get what you settle for. Unfortnately, all the money that use dto get pumped into the bars/clubs is now making these internet owners rich and I wonder how much of that oney THEY put back into the community. Sure, I got my free “Gay.com” bag at Market Days – but so what? When I meet the younger guys who can’t seem to look beyond a guys build and sex parts – I wonder if in fact we really haven’t lost something. Internet sites, like back rooms, are not real life and they don’t prepare you for it adequately (unless you consider be judged solely by your appearance a good education). The jury seems out on the whole internet thing and I guess time will tell if will have proved to be a good thing or not. I suspect that it will be a mixed blessing at best. For guys who are isolated, closested or who have very specific sexual interests – this is probably great. For the guy looking for a LTR – perhaps not so much.