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Loading ...Kort: “My partner always talks about how hot other men are!”
My partner and I have been together for over five years. We have a happy, satisfying relationship. But whenever we go out, he’s always commenting about other guys who are hot, with comments like “What a cute ass!” He never says things like that to me.
Our sex life is fantastic, and he never has complained about that. He seems very happy to be with me and tells me all the time how much he loves me. Should I mention his comments to him, or just be satisfied that he’s my lover? –Confused in Grafton, VA:
Dear Confused,
With gay male couples, it’s a common dynamic for one or both partners to tell each other how hot another guy is (or isn’t, for that matter). Some couples are comfortable with this, while others are not. Although straight couples sometimes ogle others of the opposite sex and talk about their attractiveness, most don’t—and would find it hurtful if their partner brought it up.
In his research on straight and gay couples, marital therapist John Gottman found that in general, gay and lesbian couples feel more at ease talking about the good looks of someone outside their relationships than do heterosexual couples. His research showed that lesbian and gay couples take this “other approval” less personally and find it less threatening than do their straight counterparts.
With that preamble, I must admit that when I met my partner, I felt just like you. At the time, he was just coming out. Wherever we went, he was interested in—and talking about—all the eye candy around us. I remember feeling insulted and inferior and hurt, even though deep down, I knew that he wasn’t comparing me to those other guys. His conscious attraction to men was all new to him, and being able to talk about it was refreshing and liberating. Nevertheless, I didn’t like it one bit.
Gay or straight, the biggest danger any couple faces is not communicating. I told my partner that I didn’t appreciate his admiring other guys out loud around me. I recommend you do the same, because if you don’t, you’ll probably resent him for it, and that unspoken resentment will come out sideways with you “punishing” him in negative ways that he can’t possibly understand.
I would begin the conversation by acknowledging the wonderful: Tell him how much you appreciate enjoying a good sex life and his constantly saying how much he loves you. Then you can tell him that whenever he comments about another guy’s “cute ass,” you feel [fill in the blank with your honest reaction]. When you tell him this, don’t accuse him or act defensive, because that only makes a partner defensive right back. Restrict your comments to yourself and your feelings, letting him know that kind of talk hurts you. If he indicates that he wants to keep on talking about other hot men (as in “Hey, what’s wrong with that?”), I suggest you ask him—with genuine curiosity—why doing that is so important for him. Again, without making him take it personally.
I met my partner when he was 37 years old. He told me that he’d waited until he was 37 to talk to anyone about cute guys, and that even though we were partners; he hoped that he could do that with me. For my part, I tried to understand. For his part, he tried to refrain from telling me about hunky-looking passersby. It wasn’t a total victory for either of us. But as time went on, I became more comfortable with his comments, and he needed to make them less and less.
To keep your relationship lively and well, the most important thing is to keep your lines of communication wide open. When a problem comes up, talk it through as much as you both need to.
NEXT PAGE: I am out everywhere – except at work
Whenever a boyfriend started to make comments to me about other men it meant he wanted out of the relationship. It’s inappropriate, and, I think, rude.
I don’t mind when my partner of 13 years make comments to me about other men. I think it’s a male thing, it’s natural and I don’t find it offensive at all. I can even learn from it. I make those sort of comments too. Why should we keep nagging each other about it? Our love is greater than that!
I had a friend who stayed in closet as a police officer, and later as Chief of Police – and endured all those comments. When he retired, he joined my performing arts organization. Now, his former co-workers attend our performances, making our Holiday show their Christmas outing (preceded by dinner). Should he have come out while still in uniform? Good questions, no way of knowing, but since then, he has been very well received.
Joe,
I love your books and generally find your advice to be pretty solid. However I think I disagree with you on this one. I agree that communication within a relationship is essential–but telling your partner that you don’t appreciate comments about other men is a dangerous path. I think most gay and lesbian sexual relationships are more evolved and examined because we have to deliberately think about and explore our sexuality more than straight couples. I think that verbally discussing what is “hot” is a form of sharing your sexuality. I would much rather have my partner tell me a man is hot than spend 15 minutes fantasizing about him. When he tells me this fantasy is a SHARED experience. I wonder if your writer doesn’t need to do a little work on his own sexual self-esteem? When you know that you are “hot”/desirable it is a bit easier to tolerate the reality that your partner’s sexuality and sexual experience may not exactly mirror your own.
To me (us), this is a great perk of being gay. My partner and I are very grounded in our relationship and comfortable in our own skin — so it’s pretty neat that we can check out the same guy as he passes by and both enjoy the eye candy. How many of your straight friends can say to their spouse, “did you see his ARMS?!?” It doesn’t diminish our love for each other one bit.
and i say what, i look like, chopped [freaking] liver? if “that guy over there” is that “hot” and you can get that type of guy, then you must be “settling” just to be with me…
If they keep noticing bodies of other men so much that they need to make comments, then i say they are probably done with whatever you offering. sorry but true. they are just “staying” with you because it’s easy and something they know.
if you are type of person to be ok with that then good for you, but honey, he’s cheating on you!!!
Respect for you partner/spouse is one of the highest compliments that you can make. Not vocalizing the attributes of somebody else is a high form of respect.
Ask yourself: Does one person’s desire to manifest their sexuality, in this case, the physical appearance of someone they see, trump your partners feelings? Doesn’t the world at large make it their business to belittle us enough that we should also get it at home?
We should be sentient enough to cherish the partner that we have and not vocalize everything that catches our eye on the street.
I think it’s perfectly ordinary for men – even in a relationship – to consistently be aware of the attractiveness of other men. It’s a guy thing, and there’s nothing really wrong, evil or unnatural with it in the slightest. What matters is a couple’s mutually agreed relationship status and honoring it. Most couples I’ve known have not been completely monogamous anyway. Sometimes that creates drama, but a lot of the time they just accept it as the normal and mundane nature of men. And considering all the straight married men who have extramarital encounters, I’m not all that surprised. Gay couples probably just have more affinity with one another to understand each other’s fundamental natures. Some men truly love and crave strict monogamy, and some men’s hearts simply don’t seem to function in ball-and-chain mode. It may sometimes be easy to say “this is right” or “this is wrong”, but it’s seldom ever that black and white. Men are complex, thinking, feeling, loving individuals, and they can be different from one another. But they are still men, and same-sex couples don’t have the gender gap that tends to necessitate that extra layer of ritual and mutual miscommunication that opposite-sex couples seem to have. And if men discard machismo, that can help facilitate communication as well.
Think of it this way- Just because he likes the way a Porsche (insert you favorite car here) looks doesn’t mean he’s ever going to drive one.
Just because you’re on a diet, it doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu.
My partner and I have been together for 28 years. From the beginning we have commented on every hot guy we see (and pointed them out to each other). I see this as just one more thing that we have in common to share and, if anything, it adds to the strenght or our relationship.
My partner (of 27+ years) and I have always and are always commenting about other guys. Never any jealousy, always knew where we stood with each other. Sometimes we even bring up other cute guys we’ve seen while we are having sex. Every couple is different with their boundaries. For us the comments were never a problem. We’ve always been people watchers. Actually, I think we’ve even slept with some of the guys we both commented on. It’s all about trust and communicating. It’s in our heart, not our eyes.
Pink Collared:
I’m going to add to what Joe said, something that struck me that he didn’t mention specific to the medical field. (Which he really should have thought of being a therapist IMO *grins*). The medical profession is suppose to abide by the hypocratic oath, right? To do no harm? If your coworkers express disapproval should you decide to come out, aren’t they violating the hypocratic oath? Because the kind of psychological harm that can cause is ten times worse than any physical ailment. People are capable of doing thing that are, medically speaking, next to impossible, aren’t they? Beating odds because they hold onto their hope, their self-confidence and their willpower, healing even when there is no impetus behind the healing. But not even the best doctor can save a person who becomes convinced that they don’t deserve to live and thus doesn’t WANT to be saved. If they are real doctors, who got into the field to try and save people they and not simply to make doctor level money, they will have to reconciling that holding that position isn’t so easy to justify.
To Ramon, and those who disagree with pointing out hot guys to a partner:
Personally, I’m with those who accept it. If it makes your partner uncomfortable, then yes it’s best to shield your comments to protect them, but if the talk of it being disrespectful to make the comments at all, I disagree and hold the opposite. In my opinion it shows a level of trust and respect that you can share who you find physically attractive. It’s something uniquely homosexual, a straight couple generally won’t be attracted to the same gender like a lesbian or gay couple will be. You say should finding other people attractive trump your partners feelings, but I say why should it diminish your feelings for each other? It’s something only people who are comfortable with each other would be able to do. That’s some of my thoughts at least.
My girlfriend constantly makes comments to me about how attractive a guy is…or how muscley (sp?) a guy is. Should I be concerned? She has never said she is Bi.
And, if I may add, is this any different than if a gay guy commented on a girl looking hot, or liking a girl’s clothes? I feel like in all fairness it should be a two-way street, but I am not entirely convinced.