Comments on: Ask the Expert: “Why did we stop having sex?”

By: mikeusa

mikeusa — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 15:49:05 +0000

Ann Landers would say to ask yourself:
“Am I better off staying in my relationship? then proceed from there.

I find sex ebbs and flows like oceans. What else do you have?
A friend once said to me, that sex is maybe 3% of a relationship, but it was a huge 3%! What is your feeling about this?

I say work on yourself. Stop living your life for another. Lose weight, it doesn’t mean you have to be buff, but you should always strive to be healthy. This means if you are striving to be healthy, eating right, some exercise everyday and you get ill with something that will affect the rest of your life, well, at least you are trying to do right.

I find myself not being in a relationship anymore. I’m not sad over it. It’s me more then another person. However, I find myself the 3rd person in relationships that those who are partners & the sex has ended, I fill that void for the one who wants sex while the other enjoys the relationship without sex. I get what I want without the need of constant companionship, which I’ve discovered is not me. I’m a good friend, a good 3rd wheel, like a trike providing a good motor when needed. I’m happy, the couple is happy. Would this work for you? Would it work for him? This is something the two of you need to discuss if it would be something for you.

Whether str8 or gay, I find most are not sexually faithful. Yeah, I know, there are those who are, but they are & have never been, in the majority, even though they act like the faithful mate.

Find who you are. Discover why you allow this type of relationship.

I once said to my sister who was having problems in her marriage, “It takes two to make a marriage”, her reply, “Yeah, well, one of them isn’t working” meaning, working on the marriage and relationship. What about you and yours?

By: Joey in CT

Joey in CT — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 21:01:31 +0000

Wow Bryan. I feel for you.
Both of my last boyfriends cheated on me. Both without protection, and I too dislike using condoms with my boyfriends as I give 100% monogamy and expect the same, and was told I was receiving exactly that. But I will never forget the day I found out that either was cheating and without protection. Frightening stuff.
My last was 25 yrs older then I am, and we had TONS in common. Same degree, same interests in music and hobbies and places to go for vaction. We were awesome together. He had to take cialis…big deal. It wasn’t all of what I was in it for. But to find out that when he was very unaffectionate towards me, he was out bangin some dude in a hotel room without rubbers…almost did me in personally. Am I that repulsive? Am I not worth the same treatment I give?
I had started going to therapy after my first cheating experience because I was near-suicidal. I stopped going around the time my second cheat starting cheating…and regret it. Maybe I would have seen the signs earlier. Maybe I would not have seen it at all.

All I can say is that based on my experiences. Go with your gut instinct. There’s a reason your not sure of things or question a partners behavior.

I don’t cheat, and won’t stay with someone who does. People don’t change and cheating is in a cheater nature. find love elsewhere, because it is there. For everyone.

Kudos to you for choosing to stay with your partner despite his infidelity. I’m sure the compassion you show his condition speaks volumes to him and he does love you. From someone who advocates highly for HIV/AIDS research and does in fact volunteer with assistance for people living with the disease…it’s not always easy and is much more heart wrenching then a lot of anything else. But Im sure you make his life worth continuing.

Thank you for sharing your stories EVERYONE. They have forced some personal retrospection on my own part.

By: teachermahn

teachermahn — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 18:08:14 +0000

After reading the article and comments I have to weigh in. My partner and I have been together for almost 4 years. He is still married and has 3 beautiful teenage children. We have talked, the adults and children, about the dynamics of our relationship, and it works.

That aside, our sex life has been deteriorating. He is over weight and a diabetic, He was when I met him, so to have him say that I don’t want to have sex with him because of his size is ridiculous.

Joe has put the blame on one person in the relationship without hearing the other side. There are always 2 sides to an argument and in order to dole out advise you should get the facts.

Now, Why don’t I want to have sex? Would you want to have sex with someone that is always putting themselves down but not doing anything about it to fix the problem? If your over-weight and pay for a gym membership for the both of us, get your butt up and go to the gym with me! Start feeling better about yourself and become that confident, almost cocky, man that I fell in love with. I am not giving up, but right now you do not attract me sexually because you whine all the time. Man up! I am not working and have been cleaning the house for the last 8 months. I have been emasculated. While I am looking for a job, I am still sexual. I still have sexual desires!!! But I will not cheat. I would rather go without.

As far as the guy who has “settled” for a cheating relationship with a poz man and thinks that wearing condoms in a committed relationship is a sign of infidelity, YOU have a problem. YOU need to see a therapist, YOU are a very negative person and probably have other issues in your life that you deal with in a negative manner. Maybe being single is YOUR best option. Staying with someone because you have been with them 26 years and they are sick is STUPID, not loyal. YOU don’t love him, you harbor many feelings of animosity toward him. Let go and allow him to live in peace with someone who loves him unconditionally, or do you risk a financial loss that is to great for you to recover alone. Truth be told, you are with him financially and are afraid to lose and start over because you feel you are too old to get it all back. It is all material things, you can’t take it with you. Good Luck!

By: Perry Brass

Perry Brass — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 16:09:36 +0000

i am afraid I found Joe’s reply to “Asexual” woefully inadequate. It is true that couples of any sexual stripe often find themselves in the Gulch of Sexual Starvation. I have written about this in my own book How to Survive Your Own Gay Life, and in my forthcoming book The Manly Art of Seduction. A lot of the sexual starvation comes about from a primness that settles into intimate relationships, so that as you become more and more intimate on many levels, you find a need to keep something “off limits” to a partner because you fear that your partner will disapprove of what
a “dirty little boy” you really are. Straight couples have been dealing with this for thousands of years, which is the reason why straight men keep mistresses and go to whore houses. Only with a mistress or a whore can they be the intense, secret, private person they are—although romantically, they may yearn for something else. When a gay couple stops censoring one another, and allows all of their own kinkiness and secretiveness to come in, then they will resume having sex again. This does take some work, and also an open desire to remove a lot of privacy from the coupleness. This requires huge amounts of trust. Often “open” relationships allow much of the primness that normally settles into relationships to disappear after a while; so men who allow some openness into a relationship can continue to have a great, hot, vivid sex life with one another—while men who are attempting exclusive monogamy, unless they are open to a lot of sexual experimentation between them, find themselves out there alone in the valley of sexual starvation.

Perry Brass, The Manly Art of Seduction, How to Meet, Talk to, and Become Intimate with Anyone.

By: Sarrellec

Sarrellec — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 12:57:12 +0000

Seems to me from all the comments here that men in relationships are not the same as opposite-sex couples in relationships.
Men like variety. Men like adventure. Men are visually stimulated.
It’s just biology and society does its level best to undermine natural biology as much as possible.
Men are territorial, thus leading to a nesting instinct, BUT, they also have an urge to explore and to connect with other people, especially sexually.
That’s just the way it is. We can torture ourselves because we aren’t breeder guys in breeder relationships or we can just accept that we can love THAT PERSON and STILL want to diddle THAT OTHER PERSON.

By: Greg Halpen

Greg Halpen — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 12:20:34 +0000

Hi, Joe.

Really insightful article. It’s interesting how sexual desire diminishes or lessens after a certain point in a relationship. Naturally so and if both guys are willing to explore ways to turn up the heat – that would be a terrific start.

But – if it’s more past influenced, then what you said abut seeking therapy is a smart idea. I can understand how psychological weights can not only dampen the sex drive – they inhibit the whole relationship experience.

Love your insight!

Greg Halpen

By: katchafalinstar

katchafalinstar — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 15:15:27 +0000

stress def. takes a tole on a couples sexual relationship. All you can do is be there for the person if you love them, and be honest with them.

By: John Newmark, LMHC

John Newmark, LMHC — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 16:44:48 +0000

In response to “Danny Said” and his bizarre attack on Joe Kort…I happen to know Joe and you are completely out-of-line in your judgments and comments about him. Joe is a committed, hard-working man who does a lot for the gay community. Your nasty comments are more a commentary about YOU than they are about Joe. I suggest that you think before you “speak” when trying to assasinate someone’s character. Hateful words cannot be taken back, and your words were very hateful. I hope you reconsider slandering someone you do not even know in the future. Have a blessed day.

By: John Newmark, LMHC

John Newmark, LMHC — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 16:15:28 +0000

Joe, I agree with you 100%. Sexual feelings wax and wane throughtout a relationship. Many gay men feel that when the sex isn’t hot, the relationship must be “bad.” MOST couples have periods of time without intimacy, as life is very tenuous and difficult, and people need to look more at the union as a whole rather than just one aspect that might not be working. There are MANY reasons for lack of sexual desire and we must ALL be careful to make assumptions or “guess” at what might be the cause. Sometimes the BEST relationships are not very sexually active and sometimes the highly sexual relationships are very dysfunctional. Always try to look at the BIG PICTURE instead of the “small” issues that often come and go. If your goal is to stay committed and work through issues, than arm yourself in every possible way by realizing that an AUTHENTIC relationship is filled with ups and downs, highs and lows, etc. If one of you is stuck, it is sometimes the other’s responsibility to pick up the slack. ALWAYS seek help from a neutral third party who has no agenda. I hope this was helpful. I HIGHLY ENCOURAGE YOU ALL TO READ JOE KORT’S BOOKS IF YOU TRULY WANT TO GROW AND BE A MORE LOVING, CONFIDENT GAY MAN. ALL THE BEST !!!

By: R & R

R & R — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 18:40:57 +0000

I think when it comes to a roaring sex drive, the norm in most relationships is one does and the other doesn’t. My partner of 30+ years has a very strong sex drive – always has. I don’t and never have. But I never say NO or find some silly excuse. From day one there has never, and still hasn’t, been any thought given having an open relationship. Part of our committment to each other is not sharing any part of our bodies with anyone else. Of course that is a personal decision. Others will have different opinions and that is ok for them.

You don’t have to have a wild sex drive to be a bottom or to have a talented mouth. Those things should always be available to the other half of your relationship, ALWAYS. You don’t have to have a roaring erection or sex drive to do either. If your partner does, TAKE CARE OF IT. That is called unconditional love.