Subscribe to Breaking News
Loading ...Ask the Expert: “Why did we stop having sex?”
I came out only five years ago, after being in an 11-year heterosexual relationship where toward the end, the sex stopped cold. For me, obviously it never felt satisfying. Since coming out, I’ve learned to really enjoy being gay and being sexual with other men-especially with my partner, since I love him so much.
He and I have been together for four years. Over time, our sexual activity has steadily decreased to the point where now we haven’t had sex in nine months. I’ve discussed this with him on numerous occasions. His answer is always, “Mentally, I’m just not into sex right now.” Since we met, he’s had a lot of issues. His father’s sudden death was hard on him, and he hasn’t worked in three years. His trying to build a business is taking much longer than we hoped. I can’t help feeling he’s not attracted to me anymore because I’ve put on a lot of weight since we got together. But he says that’s not it, and when we do fool around, he’s physically aroused (hard to hide that!). He just doesn’t feel the desire to consummate the act. Since I’m very sexual, this lack of intimacy has put a real strain on our relationship. I’m not looking to cheat on him, but it’s very frustrating. He’s not seeing a therapist and says he’s working on the problem in his own way. We have other issues, and our relationship has been a real emotional rollercoaster. I’m just not sure what to do.
-Asexual in Claremont, CA
Dear Asexual,
Most couples suffer from “sexual desire discrepancy,” wherein one partner has a higher sex drive than the other. Also it’s not uncommon for sexual desire to diminish over time. These are common and normative, aspects in any relationship, but any couple needs to address them. However, few couples know how to deal with these all-too-common situations and either act out, have affairs, or split up. I’m glad to hear you haven’t taken those routes!
The more serious and primary issue is your partner. He tells you he’s not “mentally” into sex right now, but to me, it sounds like he’s not mentally into much at all-not just sex. Given his father’s death and the slow startup of his new business, he may well be clinically depressed, and immobilized by frustration. His grief and being out of work for that long must be weighing on your relationship as well. And in my opinion, your relationship is in trouble.
I’ve found that a parent’s death can often impact relationships in unexpected ways. After a mother or father dies, children often start to recognize their own mortality and go through a transition, even a life crisis such as making major and drastic life changes within their jobs, families, marriages without much thought. I’m concerned that if your partner won’t seek help and get some psychiatric and/or psychotherapeutic support, his life won’t go in a positive direction..
The promise of a commitment includes each partner’s willingness to stay active within the relationship and carry his own share of responsibilities, including being sexual and getting help when it becomes necessary. If your partner resists holding up his end of the bargain-in his case, being sexual and working-then he’s not honoring your implicit contract, even if unintentionally.
You made a good effort to communicate by asking the scary question if your weight bothers him. You ran the risk of his saying “Yes” and having your feelings hurt. Your willingness to be vulnerable is a good sign, but he needs to do the same.
You’ve waited long enough for the ability to be out and sexually active as you were meant to be-as a gay man. Now you’re with someone who’s making you wait even longer. Your weight gain might be a direct result of having to watch his own mental health issues: When one partner is depressed, how can it not affect the other partner significantly? So to get things moving in a better direction, you must be the active one-it doesn’t as if sound like he will, or even can.
Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Let him know that you will help him find the right resources. But if he won’t take action, then you’ll be in the unfortunate position of enabling him, which isn’t good for either of you.
This is no easy situation to be in-but it’s okay to admit it! If he won’t seek help, then do get some for yourself. You might need to make some tough choices that you’d rather not, because you do love him and want to stay with him. If he realizes that you won’t simply stand by and watch him self-destruct, hopefully he’ll feel motivated to take positive steps on his own. But either way, you must take care of yourself.
Does everyone at 365 have the day off? Where is today’s news?
The key is communication as is always true in any relationship. Approaching our 16th year and our 40’s does play a role in our sex life; I speak from experience. Stress, death of a loved one, money, and a basic feeling of unattractiveness can play a major role in a couples sex life.
Opening the lines of communication can greatly improve your empathy towards your partners reason for being “not interested”. If you are both stressed out for the same, or for different reasons, talking about it seems to heal fears or anxiety. Lust plays a huge role when we first meet someone or first start a relationship, then we change (our bodies, we mature).
Change the subject! Shake it up a bit! Talk about something new!
Last week, I found some vacation pictures that we took when we first met in 1994. I ordered Chinese food and bought some beer and bingo. Not everyone drinks beer or has pictures like we do, but you do have a common interest that brought you together. These common interests can spark the romantic flame, just don’t get caught up in the day to day bull.
Bottom line: Talk to your partner about it!
If your relationship was based on sex, then it will not last.
My partner and I have been together in a loving relationship for 26 years. We got hitched in Massachusetts last year. It has been 100% NON sexual for 23 years. My choice. He was with 20 other people sexually, the first year we were together, ( we were supposedly monogamous ).
I told him I will not compete with an endless parade of other guys, and I will not wear condoms with someone I am in a committed relationship with. He has been with numerous other people since, and is now HIV poz. It’s a tragic situation, of his own making. I hope all the back alley BJ’s were worth it. My first Gay relationship ended because of messing around, ( 11 years ), my second Gay relationship ended because of messing around, ( 4 years ), and now 26 years of the same problem. I gave up entirely on trying to have the kind of relationship that I wanted … and settled for a deep caring friendship… from my POV, that is the best you can hope for. The grass is not greener elsewhere … why bother.
This is in regards to Bryan’s comment. That’s sad to say if you wanted to have a monogamous relationship and it didn’t turn out that way.
I will say though that I do see a big difference in the older gay crowd than the younger generation. The older crowd was more or less forced into discreet meetups and back alley BJs. Gays were not accepted very well, even 10 years ago was not very accepted. I do see though that in today’s youth, 15-25 year olds don’t have as much problem being open about their sexuality. High school kids don’t shun the gay kids like in times past. Sure there are still plenty of other kids out there that bully, but I can tell a huge difference if I’m talking to someone 40 about sex as opposed to someone 20.
My point I was getting to though is that the younger crowd doesn’t feel a need to be discreet and can have a openly public relationship so there is more stability in monogamous relationships. They understand that marriage is a possibility to work for so there is more effort put into the relationship. I am actually very interested to know the statistics of open relationships and cheating in places where marriage IS a possibility like Canada, as opposed to other places that don’t allow it. I theorize the stability and monogamy would be much higher.
I do feel the problem you are having as In regard to Joe comments. I am in the same situation. My partner doesn’t want to have sex much either. He blames it on issues from the past and that he is dealing with it himself. He did go and get a few therapy sessions that he said helped him very much, but it really has not helped at all. He lost his mother and father in the last five years. He was devastated when his mother died in 2004. It has affected him more since then with sexual issues. I am very sexual most of the time. I don’t cheat on him as I love him too much. I don’t know what to do. I am sexually and emotionally frustrated. I was also in a 16 year hetrosexualy relationship and now enjoy being gay and having gay sex. What am I to do?
The point of the article is that issues NOT exclusive to gay relationships often have an effect on those same relationships.
The tendency to be attracted to and settle for dishonest partners is not unique to gay men, Bryan. The fact that you need to indicate that your “Gay relationships” have failed repeatedly (as opposed to your heterosexual relationships?) points to internalized homophobia.
If a dishonest, sexless relationship is “the best you can hope for”, perhaps the problem is you.
After reading the article and the ensuing Comments and commentaries; Asexual Ca. When was the Last time You Both had a Vacation? No cell Phones and Know one knows where you both are? 2 Albeit he may not have said it but back in the back of the mind YES weight can be a factor. Remember the eye transmitts Visual Images to the Brain thus the Libido. I know I was in the same boat and put my self on a weight regime, I lost 40 lbs and the Spark Flared into a Raging Fire! 3 Stress is a Mood Killer Any kind of Stress from Family to Personal. Been there too. took 2 yrs to recover from back to back ( a yr to the month apart) deaths. So yes talk loose the Weight or at least start eating healthier, and Play Games in the House, kinda like Tease him remind him of the love you both share! It will take time but it will be worth it. Remember Folks after the Fire dies in the bedroom you both had better have something in Common to talk about. Thats why I propose Dateing for a Solid amount of time untill you can’t stand being with out the Other. If it Hurts in the Heart to be away from Him or her,then He or She the one.
Re: Comment by Rodg. The relationships didn’t ‘fail’ … I made a conscious decision not to tolerate the betrayal and dishonesty. I’m an all or nothing kinda guy. I give 100%, and expect the same in return. I won’t settle for someone else’s sexual leftovers, and I will not put my life at risk by trusting a partner to be monogamous.
Not after all the horror stories I’ve seen and heard from thousands of gay guys through my years of doing community work. Bottom line, if you hafta wear a condom all the time because you cannot trust your life partner sexually, why bother. I don’t think it’s a matter of attracting “dishonest partners” … I think it’s a matter not being able to find anyone who is capable of being monogamous. You reach a point where you say the hell with it, and make the best of what you have with the person you are with.
Starting all over is cute when you are 18 … it’s not so cute at my age. We have a house, careers, many responsibilities … and as I said earlier, my partner is POZ and not doing well … so I’ll hang in and be there for him. None of his many tricks, that he tossed our sexual relationship aside for, are lining up to be of any help. The grass is not greener elsewhere.
The intimacy can still be there, but every relationship is different. As we approach our 14th anniversary, I can’t honestly claim that we’re physically the same as we once were. Neither can I claim that our sex lives are as active as in the past–when we first were together, we had lots of sex. Years pass, and things aren’t the same. With that said, we still have great sex (just not as often), and others can, too.
There’s a lot of negativity around this subject, but great relationships take work. Still, the work is worth it!
Joe – I think you’re jumping to some pretty serious conclusions and being extremely insensitive. Especially after going off of so little information. I’ve had year-long periods of no boyfriends, no sex, and no going out when I was focusing on life, education, and career – all just to get focus. And after that paid off – i went back to dating and sex and know have a boyfriend. And the sex is hot. We don’t do it every day tho. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. And why does stopping sex *ALWAYS* have to lead to breaking up. Seriously, just because we have penises doesn’t mean we have to think with them.
Ben- I’m with you buddy! I personally don’t find Joe Kort, an expert!! Of what? Him self? Writing a book and having some letters after your name doesn’t make you an expert on relationships. I’ve lost total respect to this site now that they’ve signed on, Joe Kort. I personally have never met a conceded & more obnoxious person.
I would prefer that 360 found a real experts like Angelo Pezzote, Jim Sullivan, Michael Thomas Ford, Craig Nelson, Martin Kantor, Michelangelo Signorile, Dennis Schleicher, Kenneth D George, Jack Hart, Frank Spinelli, Dave Singleton, Jim Sullivan, MD. . Anybody but Joe….
I’ve never even met the guy. I just am a good judge of character, and when I sent him a question through e-mail. He replied back with a list of his fees he charges for his so-called services. Joe is all about the $$$ money!!!
Heck, a woman like author Bonnie Kaye would give better advice.
Sincerely,
Rochester Minnesota
Danny,
I thought I was alone in my thinking. When I saw your comment. I almost fell off my chair at Starbucks. Thank you for your honest opinion. 365, It’s time to get new columnist.
Thaddeus
Boston, Massachusetts.
I’ll throw in another scenario.
Been together 12 years.
Haven’t had sex for almost two years.
THE year we chose to partner, after a year and a day of being exclusive to each other, I was diagnosed with a spinal condition.
A procedure meant to alleviate some of the pain of that spinal condition led to diabetes which led to an extreme case of neuropathy.
Of course, all of this pretty much ended my sex life and even interest in sex at all. Any of the sexual acts hurts my neck, back and hands. Climaxing is painful, when it is achieved after virtually exhausting work on my partner’s part.
In short…just not interesting to me anymore at all.
So…for my partner to have a “normal” sex life, we should split up?
We don’t want to. We are in love.
We will be together the rest of my life.
I want my handsome and active and wonderful partner to have a sex life too.
So, we sought a third “partner” to join us, thereby serving everyone’s needs and keeping a good thing going.
No dice.
No one takes us seriously.
They decide that we are “cheating” or somehow otherwise not fulfilling the hetero model of “monogamous” relationship.
My husband has never been a troller or a cruiser. Just not his style.
As it has ended up, he manages for himself and I wish my body hadn’t aged thirty years in ten.
But it did and so he does and here we are.
Split up? Never.
We figure we already had one miracle in finding each other after both of us had given up on such a thing, that maybe it was just too much to expect another miracle.
But, I’m still hopeful and maybe that miracle will cross our paths someday.
Meanwhile, we are here and happy and just deal with the way things are.
We’re together 17 years. Frequency of sex has declined dramatically over time. We’ve tried therapy, which improved our relationship, but not our sex life. It did lead to an honest, and difficult conversation nearly 3 years ago, which led, in turn, to the decision to quietly open our relationship. We established rules about safety, and when and where it was ok to play. This new aspect of the relationship works well.
It doesn’t quite fill the void though. We still love each other tremendously, can talk easily and cuddle daily. But while the outside sex is very nice, it’s not the same as sex with someone who loves you. I still miss that. Guess you can’t have it all after all.
My partner and I have been together almost 10yrs – we don’t have sex often…but I have never said “no” in all the time we’ve been together, I would like him to be the aggressor sometimes,Im taller/wrkout…he’s shorter and doesn’t wrkout….I think he feels inadaquate…tho we still Play/together and sep sometimes also, and do have respect and show affection alot….I think it just Ebbs and Flows…Our love has not wavered.