“I wonder if you have internalized homophobia and if this is an expression of that. Even though your parents accept that you are lesbian are you out about it?”

Really? That could be very insulting and I don’t think it needed to be asked outright. Eliminate these sentences from that paragraph, and the other questions alone would be very good at helping someone see signs of acceptance from their family that they didn’t see before.

“In your case, your family sounds like they might be open to this conversation…”

What does “Don’t ask, don’t tell” mean to you? Certainly not, “hey, let’s have a really uncomfortable conversation over Christmas dinner!” That doesn’t mean that the conversation shouldn’t happen (IT SHOULD!), but it seems like the author created a completely different image in their head of what this family is like compared to what “Homo for the Holidays” wrote.

“…and keeps it from growing into a healthy adult relationship.”

Seems like a lot of value judging on what their relationship is (without enough information to do so) rather than simply offering advice on the topic that was asked. The rest of their relationship could be completely “adult” and it doesn’t *have* to hinge on this one thing. And I won’t even bring up ageism…oops. I don’t see anywhere in that letter an age (either current or indicating that they started dating as “non-adults”).

It just seems like the way this advice was delivered is overly assertive and reflective of the author’s specific values. There’s isn’t enough information in the letter nor establishment of a relationship between the author and the writer to support that.

And there are several comments advocating a “screw em” mentality, or cutting yourself off from un-supportive family which is COMPLETELY counter-productive. If they do the cutting, then there’s not much to be done. But don’t be the one to initiate that or you’ll never be a family with your family. It may not be easy, but nobody said life was easy. Having the difficult conversations and challenging perceptions is the only way that we are going to move society forward.

This year, he just started a new job, and has no time to take off, so we cannot travel. My brothers, nephews, and nieces are all gathering at my parents house — but we won’t be there. I am NOT leaving him alone at Christmas time. The rest of my family understands that. I am almost surprised they didn’t all decide to come here.

I too spent the first few years as “the friend who had nowhere else to go” then “the relationship that wasn’t spoken about.” Eventually I told my partner I didn’t want to go anymore. I’d rather spend it by myself than be someone’s third wheel or dirty secret. So he dealt with it, and much easier than he had expected, and now we trade off years.

Your first responsibility is to your partner and their needs, then your adult family members, holidays or not. You’re no longer a child. Children grown up, leave home and start their own lives.

Sometimes you have to force the issue.
My partner of 16 years was married before we got together. He has two daughters. It took them about 4 years to realize that they still loved their dad and now we are both back in their lives.