Subscribe to Breaking News
Loading ...Ask the Expert: “My partner gave me an ultimatim: marry, or end it”
My partner and I met through conversing online, and within six months, we did the lesbian U-Haul moving-in-together thing.
We’ve now been together for four years, in a committed relationship for the last three years. Despite some ups and downs, our connection has still remained strong. But just a month ago, my partner flirted with another woman, and the two developed feelings for each other. The other woman’s now out of the picture. To my knowledge, there’s been no contact. But needless to say, that was a shock, and I told her I wasn’t ready for an open relationship.
We decided that we weren’t getting what we wanted from each other (obviously!) and need to find out why she felt desire for another woman. We discovered that we do resent how very different we are.
She realized that in many ways, I am a crutch to her: I keep a job, pay all our bills, and do what I need to stay afloat. I fear we would get married for the wrong reasons—maybe because we’re scared that we won’t find anyone else who will connect the way we do. I’m okay with the idea of us not working out. But she isn’t—she believes marriage is the next step in our relationship, a way to stop stunting ourselves. I disagree.
A month ago, she had feelings for someone else, and now she wants to spend her life with me? But she thinks that unless we get married, we aren’t moving forward. I don’t need to be married to this woman to be committed, but I just need someone else’s opinion.
—U-Hauled in Cleveland
Dear U-Hauled,
If you’re having doubts, I highly recommend not binding yourself legally through marriage or any other way!
Having said that, when couples start committing to each other, some natural things do happen —especially at the 3-to-5 year mark, exactly where you two are. You’d think that the more you commit to the person of your dreams, problems would go away. But in most relationships, the more partners commit the more problems and conflicts!
For you and your partner, commitment involves talking about marriage. For others, it involves deciding to see each other only, going away together on a trip, purchasing something together, adopting children—just to name a few. You would think that this all bring partners closer. But the more we commit to staying on that freeway of love, the more we look for exit ramps.
The more partners depend on each other and close off exits, the more conflicts arise. That can be scary, and there is a reason.
Our internal pharmacy of “love drugs,” dopamine and oxytocin, makes the beginning of romantic love feel ecstatic, euphoric. We finish each other’s sentences; focus on the positives (we find many!), assume we’ve found the one and often move in with each other too soon (which you may have done).
These internal love drugs are short-lived, meant only to bond us to another. After six to 18 months, the drugs wear off, and we’re faced with the negatives about our partners that we could overlook before. Then conflict arises.
Partners begin to have trouble communicating, grow bothered by their differences (as you mentioned is happening for you both), and no longer feel as safe in each other’s presence. We feel less attached and connected than hurt and frustrated. The more we commit, the more we feel dependent on our partner, which awakens all our past dependencies, from childhood on. Our current partner becomes a blank screen, onto whom we project all our home movies—unresolved baggage from childhood caretakers and previous adult partners.
To ease that conflict, we create exits—such as flirting with another woman or not wanting to legally bind ourselves to a partner through marriage or owning property. Others may pour themselves into a job or working out; involve themselves with pets, hobbies, addictions—anything to distract from problems in their relationship.
So in some ways, it’s normal that your partner got involved with another woman. I’m not saying it’s okay! It may have been her way of “acting out” her fear of intimacy. The fact that you don’t want to commit that strongly through “marriage” might be your fear of intimacy. You both need to explore those exit ramps—and consider closing them.
Another explanation could be that you’re not right for each other. You might hesitate to “commit marriage” because you’re not okay with something about her. Or she may not really want to commit as much as she says she does.
I always advise trying to make your relationship as good as it can be, and then deciding whether to stay or leave.
How can you know? After talking to each other, if you’re still left with doubts about commitment, don’t try to resolve them on your own. I recommend seeing a therapist, relationship coach or clergyperson who understands couples’ normal dynamics. It can be very helpful to have another pair of eyes on your relationship and might help each of you understand what’s really going on between you.
Good luck! You and your relationship are worth it.
I think it’s wrong to use marriage as some kind ‘fix’ for this kind of situation, it won’t fix it, just make it seem like there has been progress or change, but the real problem is still there. Getting married will only make it worse in my opinion.
Marriage is something people do together because they feel ready for it, not as a means of proving something, like progress or faithfulness.
I think that marriage is an important step that needs not be entered into lightly. People just need to take their time.
I think it’s wrong to have Joe Kort comment on any topic!
No one is an “expert” on relationships.
Come on – you can do better if you want an article on relationships!
Do what my parents did. Be committed. They stayed together for 10 years of sheer hell for us kids. He had an affair and acted out while she wouldn’t let him forget it. After they got through it they were very much in love. Nothing builds a bond like going through tough times together.
I think everybodys’ got to chill out , I think it’s going to be sooner than later before we’re all acknowledged there’s too many of us to ignore . Then they’ll have to tell us all about Roswell. Yes, there are such things as U.F.O’s !!! Obama ,…….
We all seem to be forgetting this:
“She realized that in many ways, I am a crutch to her: I keep a job, pay all our bills, and do what I need to stay afloat.”
I am very surprised that a grown woman does not contribute equally to the financial aspects of living together. For what appears to be three years, no less. How does that work?
It’s possible that she wants to tie you to her through concrete LEGAL bindings, so that even if she does stray you won’t be able to just up and leave, but would be far more compelled to stay–and continue to be her crutch, and pay her rent.
I’m not saying that she’s doing this consciously or purposefully, if at all; but perhaps subconsciously, she doesn’t want to let a good thing go (i.e. you)? Couples therapy is a great idea, but this is also something to consider.
It’s a common enough situation among straights…
When did we get “Dear Abby”. Boring, boring, boring, next?
It’s ULTIMATUM, guys.
Since when does marriage HAVE to be the ultimate next step for any relationship anyway? Gay or straight, I don’t really see the point, if that’s not something you’re interested in. And not wanting to get married isn’t always from a fear of commitment, but more of it being a silly and outdated thing to do? Not that I oppose marriage equality (I don’t like people telling me I can’t do something someone else can) but why does everyone seem to think that two committed people NEED to get married anyway?
Once upon a time, a committed same-sex relationship was verbal with an occasional real-estate purchase or a foster child to help make the commitment more legitimate. That’s all changed now with the “M” word. The ceiling has been raised to include same-sex marriage. How much do you love me? Enough to marry?
Living in Massachusetts brings me and my significant other new questions we never had to deal with before. “You live in Massachusetts – when are you getting married?” Marriage is expected – if not by us then certainly by others.
Oh sure, we’ve talked about it. Pizza and sushi seem to be on the menu we have compromised on. We’ve worked out the guest list and talked about whether we’re too old to be getting gifts. It’s fun to discuss but we never thought that this privilege would be extended to homosexuals.
Just because we can doesn’t mean that we should. It’s scary. It’s a different kind of commitment – one you can’t get out of by packing a bag and exiting upstage center. Being gay may have provided us with an excuse to be promiscuous but a recent report based on data compiled from 5 years of same-sex marriage in Massachusetts are showing positively that married same-sex couples are happier, more committed and feel secure enough to comfortably come out at work and to friends.
That’s a goal I’d be interested in for my life. How about you?
When given an ultimatum the answer is no.
Beyond that, I’m in a similar situation. My partner makes 4 times as much as I do because of his higher education and profession. I pay for food, vet bills, cook, do the yard work, wait for the repair men, etc.
He’s terrible with money. I wind up paying utility bills when they come to shut the service off. He makes one bad decision after another. He gets resentful that I don’t pay rent but that’s since his credit cards were maxed out and his FICO score went to hell. He thinks more money is the solution to his problem. His sister told him to listen to me when it comes to money but he won’t. He owns the home and refuses to put my name on it even if I want to pay for half of it. He’s decided to put his assets into a trust but I won’t be named in the trust. If anything happens to him I and the cats will be homeless.
Marriage would solve my legal problem but not the trust issues in the relationship. “Uhauled in Cleveland” is only one side of the story. Her partner may see things very differently. Does her partner provide in other ways that she doesn’t value? Are they on equal financial footing or is there a big inequality?
And “so what?” if the relationship’s inequitable. If they love each other then so be it. How many straight women have I seen living off their husbands? For them it seems that marriage equals prostitution.
Joe, I think it is irresponsible to suggest people consult a “clergyperson” to address serious relationship and mental health issues. Clergy are not required to have any legitimate training based on the science of psychology and human behavior. You should leave church endorsements to people asking questions about religion and recommend real trained experts to those in need of psychological care.