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Loading ...Ask the Expert: “Am I too old to find love?”
I’m 58 and have never had a lover, though I’ve always dreamed of having one. Surely I must be doing something wrong? But I feel I’ve waited too long, and that today’s gay culture won’t now be interested in an old guy. It seems that “attractive” and “successful” are the only attributes anyone cares about.
Am I unique in this search? I live alone, have no relatives and few friends-most of them straight and most of them only at work.
- Singled-In in Spartanburg
Dear Singled-In,
I want to help you become singled OUT! So many gay men tell me they want a relationship, but what they really want is a meaningful overnight relationship! They don’t consciously realize it, but their behavior says so, loud and clear. From childhood on up. Western culture is brainwashed to believe that we cannot be happy unless we can maintain a committed relationship. Well, that’s not so! Yes, it’s nice to have a partner, someone you can go through life with-if that is what you want. But it’s not for everyone. So really the first question you need to ask yourself is, “Do I really want a partner?” Really?
Your next question to consider is why you aren’t more social with other gays and lesbians, especially outside of work? What might you be avoiding or hiding from? To find a partner, you must be willing to get out and exposed to others. Dating requires this. If you stay around colleagues and straight people, you won’t find a partner as quickly, if at all.
Most gay men labor under the fallacy that our culture is interested only in attractive, successful men. The media and the magazines all promote this stereotype. In fact, even though I’m heartened to see gay men on television more and more, sometimes I think it makes things harder for us gays in managing our ordinary personal lives. TV sitcoms and dramas tend to focus primarily on young, attractive, successful and relationship-oriented characters. Many gay viewers naturally assume that’s the norm that we too should aim for. We’re being forced into the same position as our straight counterparts-which is both good and bad.
You should stop looking to the media for an ideal of what is right for–or wrong with– you, personally. Go inside yourself and decide what it is that you want.
If you are going to find Mr. Right, you will need to market yourself. And that means becoming more social with other gay men who will either be attracted to you or know someone with whom they can fix you up.
And finally, the prejudice of ageism is a real issue that does affect everybody-gay, straight and in between. I do notice its being more prevalent among males. And given that we gay men form an all-male culture, ageism is present inevitably. Yes, it would be easy to use that as an excuse to give up! And yes, you might get a lot of grudging discouragement from people who are age-negative themselves, who accept the reality of ageism, and would warn you there is no hope. To that I say No! ! We cannot let limitations, real or imagined, block us from getting what we want. Neither should you.
One client of mine, 70 years old, gets more sexual, romantic and relational action than any 20-to-40-year-old guy I know. Because of his positive attitude, he doesn’t consider himself too old. Even more importantly, he doesn’t restrict himself to any age group or any certain “type” of guy. Read gay personal ads, and you’ll see whole shopping lists of traits men seek-or won’t accept-in a casual hookup, much less a LTR!
Plenty of young men seek older partners, attracted to the maturity and wisdom that comes from having reached 58 or even older! Investigate the online dating sites for older gay men and their admirers, or join blogs that discuss this issue-of which there are many. Google “older gay men and their admirers” to find very good sites.
I recall a greeting card featuring a model dressed as Uncle Sam, wearing an earring and eye shadow. The message inside read. “You’re a grand old fag!” Always remember that as a Gay Elder, you have much to offer to your peers as a friend, and as a partner, plenty to offer those your age and those younger than yourself.
Like usual, I agree 100% with you Joe. It is as if I had written this myself.
@Baltazar: The only time older partners become controlling in younger/older relationships is when the older partner is insecure with himself. If you find a partner who is secure with who they are you will not run into that problem.
I am 27 years old and have had two relationships with older men. I was 21 when I met my first partner and he was 41. He never had any problems with where I was, who I was with, who I was talking to, etc. In fact, he always encouraged me to go and hangout with my friends, and would always want to hear all about it when I got home.
I met my second partner a year later when me and my ex broke up, and he was 44. He is much the same way, but even more so.
As far as people making fun of you…why do you care what others think? They are only jealous because you have something that they want! It really bothers me when gay men get so hung up on what people think of them. If you are happy that is all that matters.
This one is for anyone to read as I have seen this haste to very strong anger and rage without time to reflect many times here on 365gay.com comments on articles. Can we just maybe slow down the caffeine-driven and impatient tendency to not take the time to really read and absorb what an author of an article is saying before rattling off unnecessary insults at him/her? On second glance, what some one is saying is sometimes not as bad as we thought it was the first time we saw it as we reflect on it and understand a word usage or turn of phrase better.
I have head one of your books, Joe Kort, and I found it helpful.
Joe, I just now read your response to my criticism. I can happily with live that. I think that ‘mentor’ is a more apt word to use. Thanks for responding. I really am not a crank…which is what I likely came off as. A problem with internet speed; you can type faster than you can carefully consider your response.
OK – Here’s the truth. LTRs are hard work and the body and mind change with age. Looks aren’t everything, and sex has a different feel as you get older. Being best friends first is the real key to a LTR. But an LTR isn’t for everyone. Sometimes just having good friends to age with is all one needs. When I was young I looked for maturity and chemistry. I found it and 35 years later I can honestly say it was an uphill battle at times, but I’m so glad we both hung in there. We both didn’t have front cover looks, or hung to the knees, but we both knew years ago we wanted to wake up in the morning with someone who loved you for what you are, human.
@Percolator: I am assuming you mean Spartanburg SC? I agree with you, it can be very difficult to find a community in a rural area, but they do exist. I am in California now and all my 50+ friends are still in Phoenix. Some of them are having a hard time finding people their own age, or close to it. Try not to limit yourself to Spartanburg, or even SC. Do a state or country-wide search on http://gay.matchmaker.com and see what pops up. You may just meet a few nice people that you can talk to, or at least relate to. Build a profile with a picture and a description of yourself(be honest). You may or may not find the man of your dreams on-line, who knows, but you will make some good friends. Matchmaker.com is just one example and their are several more.
If nothing else, you may find a solution while talking to similar people in your situation.
There is no substitute for good old fashioned face to face interaction. Look for gay support groups in your area. If there are none, then start one.
I am not an expert, obviously., I just beleive that there is someone for everyone…good luck
While it’s important to remember that no matter how old you are, you are never too old to find someone, it’s important to remember too though that age does count in certain situations.
The one thing that kills me is when i go out with my friends (and we are 20s and 30s people) and you get the older gentlemen that believe they are being suave or smooth hitting on someone that is clearly twice their age. Sorry guys, I will not date someone that is old enough to be my father. That would be one awkward conversation to have MY parents bringing home someone that is their peer.
I’m 48 and dating a guy who is 33. Sometimes he is the elder, sometimes it’s I. I came out only a couple years ago. He has been in several relationships since his step-dad threw him out at 17. The ebb and flow of our relationship is really funny.
Don’t prejudge someone because of age or income or other irrelevant factors. Prejudice hurts you more than the one you judge because it isolates you from people who could enrich your life in unimaginable ways.
As an aside, I once lost a bet in a game of naked billiards at a party and ended up blindfolded with two dicks in my mouth. I was trying to identify the virile young studs I was playing against to whom I thought they belonged. It turned out one belonged to a virile young stud in his late 20’s, the other to a virile young stud in his late 60’s. They were equally enjoyable.
Keep your options open. You have to grow old, but you don’t have to grow up.
I AM A HAIRDRESSER(SHOCK!). AND I WILL TELL YOU, THAT FOR EVERYONE, THE MOST ATTRACTIVE THING IN ANY MAN, AT ANY AGE IS, SELF CONFIDENCE. I HAVE A MALE CLIENT WHO IS IN HIS LATE 60′S, AND ALL OF MY CO-WORKERS ( BOYS AND GIRLS), WOULD LOVE TO GET INTO HIS PANTS. HE HAS HUMOR, CONFIDENCE AND SMILES ALOT.
PS MY CO-WORKERS RANGE FROM 24-60 YRS OLD.
What an interesting question.
Here I sit in Spartanburg, 59y/o as of last week, and this question could have easily been written by me! Where is this magical site or place where I can meet all these men? Although some have chosen to live in larger cities where the large population may help, some of us remain in small town America and meeting others is so difficult. I’ve tried MMC (almost exclusively couples), local bars (not many 50+ guys there), and crusing is not the answer to anything more than sex.
When the lust wears off your left with each others minds.
>But in the Gay scene, standards are higher than the regular heterosexual setting.
Even within the gay community, standards fluctuate. Acceptable waist line, dress, and grooming are different in the bear community than in the “dance club/circuit party” communities. Attractiveness can be very subjective.
Again, I think if someone is concentrating on loving, nurturing, and caring for himself or herself, then the “self care” and appearance thing will take care of itself.
As a Life Consultant, the two largest groups of people I help to get unstuck are those looking for relationship guidance (including dating strategy) and career changes.
When it comes to increasing the odds of finding a partner–regardless of age–I focus on two things: 1) Practice loving and nurturing yourself very well, and 2) Practice being social and making friends with gay people. If you can do those two things really, really well, the “lover thing” should fall into place.
It’s no accident that the two items I mention map to the first paragraphs in Joe’s excellent response.
I do offer more strategizing on dating and finding a compatible partner. But it all has to be built on a foundation of the two things I mentioned in the last paragraph.
To: Baltazar
What about all of the previous posts from May-December couples that are happy? So, we should listen to you because you and your shallow group of friends would make negative comments of one of you dated outside what you would consider “appropriate” in age. Good luck with your friends. It looks like you will be stuck with these jerks for the rest of your life.
I don’t know what you people are saying.
But in the Gay scene, standards are higher than the regular heterosexual setting.
Being out there is not enough. You need to transform yourself so that you are marketable for the right type.
Dress better, act better, look better and feel better. Otherwise, you’ll just have a hard time finding yourself a partner. Especially at your age.
Ageism is as normal as any discrimination that’s around. Most people don’t like it, but all everyone practice it to some extent. I know my friends and I would negatively comment for someone in our own circle that dates over 10+ years and over (23 y/o here). That’s because there is a fact that when younger guys date older guys—-there comes in a “Daddy factor” where the older guy gets TOO controlling and too bossy of the younger partner.