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Loading ...Ask the Expert: “Am I too old to find love?”
I’m 58 and have never had a lover, though I’ve always dreamed of having one. Surely I must be doing something wrong? But I feel I’ve waited too long, and that today’s gay culture won’t now be interested in an old guy. It seems that “attractive” and “successful” are the only attributes anyone cares about.
Am I unique in this search? I live alone, have no relatives and few friends-most of them straight and most of them only at work.
- Singled-In in Spartanburg
Dear Singled-In,
I want to help you become singled OUT! So many gay men tell me they want a relationship, but what they really want is a meaningful overnight relationship! They don’t consciously realize it, but their behavior says so, loud and clear. From childhood on up. Western culture is brainwashed to believe that we cannot be happy unless we can maintain a committed relationship. Well, that’s not so! Yes, it’s nice to have a partner, someone you can go through life with-if that is what you want. But it’s not for everyone. So really the first question you need to ask yourself is, “Do I really want a partner?” Really?
Your next question to consider is why you aren’t more social with other gays and lesbians, especially outside of work? What might you be avoiding or hiding from? To find a partner, you must be willing to get out and exposed to others. Dating requires this. If you stay around colleagues and straight people, you won’t find a partner as quickly, if at all.
Most gay men labor under the fallacy that our culture is interested only in attractive, successful men. The media and the magazines all promote this stereotype. In fact, even though I’m heartened to see gay men on television more and more, sometimes I think it makes things harder for us gays in managing our ordinary personal lives. TV sitcoms and dramas tend to focus primarily on young, attractive, successful and relationship-oriented characters. Many gay viewers naturally assume that’s the norm that we too should aim for. We’re being forced into the same position as our straight counterparts-which is both good and bad.
You should stop looking to the media for an ideal of what is right for–or wrong with– you, personally. Go inside yourself and decide what it is that you want.
If you are going to find Mr. Right, you will need to market yourself. And that means becoming more social with other gay men who will either be attracted to you or know someone with whom they can fix you up.
And finally, the prejudice of ageism is a real issue that does affect everybody-gay, straight and in between. I do notice its being more prevalent among males. And given that we gay men form an all-male culture, ageism is present inevitably. Yes, it would be easy to use that as an excuse to give up! And yes, you might get a lot of grudging discouragement from people who are age-negative themselves, who accept the reality of ageism, and would warn you there is no hope. To that I say No! ! We cannot let limitations, real or imagined, block us from getting what we want. Neither should you.
One client of mine, 70 years old, gets more sexual, romantic and relational action than any 20-to-40-year-old guy I know. Because of his positive attitude, he doesn’t consider himself too old. Even more importantly, he doesn’t restrict himself to any age group or any certain “type” of guy. Read gay personal ads, and you’ll see whole shopping lists of traits men seek-or won’t accept-in a casual hookup, much less a LTR!
Plenty of young men seek older partners, attracted to the maturity and wisdom that comes from having reached 58 or even older! Investigate the online dating sites for older gay men and their admirers, or join blogs that discuss this issue-of which there are many. Google “older gay men and their admirers” to find very good sites.
I recall a greeting card featuring a model dressed as Uncle Sam, wearing an earring and eye shadow. The message inside read. “You’re a grand old fag!” Always remember that as a Gay Elder, you have much to offer to your peers as a friend, and as a partner, plenty to offer those your age and those younger than yourself.
I agree with ‘Twisted Pride’. One must get out and network. I tried going to bars, but due to my age, I got ‘hustled’ by a young punk. So I joined a social group and have many gay friends now. Since I am an outdoor person, we have
RV groups & camping groups to enjoy each other’s company. We also have a businessmen’s social group. They are out there. One just has to look.
And, a bit of personal self-worth. Now that I decided that I was ‘worthy’ of love, I have always had a problem with women trying to get in my pants. Still do at 71, and get double takes from young guys. Too old? It’s in one’s mind. Allow yourself to be happy. You are worth it.
Networking is key. The more people you know in the community, the better chance you have to make friends. We are not all 21, young, dumb, and full of “…”. Some of us are 30, 50, and 70+. If you spend time with others in our community, you may find out that a good friend is all you need, not a live-in companion. If a partner is what you desire, you will find one. Bottom line: get our there and mingle.
I’m 28. never dated before and partly due to my insecurity in liking a lot of guys 40-50 that it kinda frightens me. I hope I can get over it so that I can get to it :p
…oh, and I really would prefer not to use the term ‘A grand old fag’. Not all of us wear makeup or go in drag.
First of all, this guy doesn’t date,has few friends. This seems to be a choice, for whatever reasons. I went into self-exile from the gay scene because of some abusive relationships, and a suicide of someone I was really in love with.
Time took it’s toll. I finally said, ‘HEY!’ WTF! I deserve to have someone, and after not having dated for over 20 years, met a man my senior who asked me to live with him. I was 64, and now 71. We are still together.
So, 58 doesn’t seem that bad, at least to me. But he has to change his mindset and get out and meet people. Gay people.
Mason,
I want to clarify my intent of the use of the word “elder”. It isn’t about the man’s age, I am talking about the man’s knowledge, experience and life lessons a man has to teach whatever his age is. I am 46 and I consider myself an “elder” to gay men in their 20’s and 30’s and even to men older to me who are just coming out.
My intent was to reframe “old” to “elder” or “mentor” as it is more honoring.
This author seems to be calling gay men whores!!
well maybe HE is…but not any gay men I know.
I don’t look to the media to see what kind of relationship I should be in. Who told YOU that?
I want a relationship because I want a relationship.Period. I do not need or look for society to tell me what I should be looking for.
This author strikes me as a man who HIMSELF thrives on one night stands and is happy with that. Good for him…but don’t you dare say most gay men are only looking for one-nighters.
Perhaps this author needs to get a better class of friends….
I am in my 30’s and my partner in his 50’s (near 60) We have been together for 12 years.
What I seem to find is that older guys go after young guys for sex, well that will get old fast. It’s better to have someone meaningful that has similar interests apart from sex.
So if you are looking for a BF, Partner, etc. then I suggest you make an effort to find someone that will be more of a friend and companion before having sex!
In my opinion, Sex is or should be the icing or the cherry on top of the cake of life!
“Life is a smorgesboard, and most poor suckers are starving to death!” Auntie Mame.
My partner of 30+ years is 21 years younger than I am and that has never been a problem. No one believes that there is that much of an age difference because I don’t act like there is that much of a diffence. We started building a life together from day one and are still working at it. When we stop working at it it will be over but that will not happen. We solve problems the instant they raise their dirty little heads. We start every day with a hug and a deep kiss – sometimes that leads to “other things.” There have been bad days, real bad days, but we work them out. On a couple of occasion the bad days turn into a bad week. What always pulls us through? The fact that our relationship is built on a foundation of unconditional love – key word: “unconditional.” – that is what always overcomes the crap. Usually, if not always, the “crap” is built on selfishness or pig headedness, and once that is recognized the “problems” seem to evaporate. Relationships take work, a lot of work. But if the relationship is built on true love, IT IS WORTH IT.
The difference between our relationship and straight marriages is the fact that we are together because we want to be, not because of a legal piece of paper.
We are already reading about divorces in states that permit gays to marry. Give me a break!! What’s the point? Until death do us part? “I love you except…” “If you loved me you would (or wouldn’t)…”
Would somebody just play “Love is a battlefield” and forgo the awful cheesy articles that go on for paragraphs with “omg it will like so totally happen when you want it to”
alanmt: I have seen a lot of guys doing what you describe. I really agree with you 10 year rule 90 % of the time. There are some very happy May December couples.
ALSO relationships take a lot of work and compromise. I am lucky to be in a long term one, and wish Singled in all the luck.
Tom in Long Beach
This guy should get out there and start looking! I wish him the best. He is absolutely not too old for love! No oneis.
However, when older gay men complain about ageism, what they usually mean is they are disappointed that 20 year old men aren’t interested in them. This guy needs a realistic assessment of his dating pool, and that assessment is that he should be looking for guys within 10 years of his age, higher or lower, who are at the same place in their life he is. I have no sympathy for guys who complain about agism, but practice it themselves, against guys their age who would make great boyfriends and ultimately husbands. Not saying this guy is one of those guys.
I have found over the years that age is more a factor of mental attitude than years. I know guys in their 20’s who are “old men.” And it is because they act old. My dad who died from a heart attack at 92 was out dancing the Friday evening before his attack. No one would believe that he was in his 90’s, not because he didn’t have the physical appearance of someone in their 90’s but because the minute he started talking his attitude was that of someone in their 40’s. And that changed his physical appearance in the eyes of those who saw him. You may look old, but when you open your mouth you have an opportunity to remove all doubt or suddenly look 10 or 20 years younger. People see attitude as well as physical appearance. You can be in your 40’s, open your mouth and you suddenly look like you are in your 70’s. It is a matter of choice – YOURS.
ummmm Mason, did you read the 3 paragraphs he wrote about ageism?
Singled-in describes himself as ‘old’ and Joe points out that one may be ‘elder’ but no one is ‘too old’
Joe, go f*ck yourself! He is 58 and you are calling him a “gay elder”! Talk about gay sterotyping!