Rachel started us off with the news that we are perilously close to actually getting some health care reform.

Or at least to the Senate getting to vote on whether they can debate and then vote on health care reform, with maybe another vote or two thrown in for good measure.

(People from other lands who are following this process and are wondering why the hell we seem to be doing this again after we just did this, only with the other, more entertainingly wacky bunch of reps, I am sorry. This is how we’re set up to do things here. I know the process is slow and insane. But remember what happened when we had a President and Congress who liked to just ram stuff through? P.S. Sorry about that.)

The Conservadems are getting pretty much everything they threatened to hold their breath until they turned Republican over, including some reasonable stuff like making sure we don’t increase the deficit, and then some of the exact kind of dumb-ass stuff I was worrying about yesterday, like restoring funding for abstinence education when we all know full well that it doesn’t work.

If we’re going to fund stupid religion-based health care measures people would like to be true even though they don’t actually work, why don’t we just throw $800 billion into faith healing?

(NOT REALLY, CONGRESSWOMAN BACHMANN. Settle down.)

There’s also some water-down language that makes the public option nearly nonexistent and may ensure that the scraps that are there will have premiums that won’t really be cheaper than private insurance premiums, which was only the entire freaking point of health care reform.

So if you’ll excuse me, I have to go whack my head against the wall until my neighbor complains to my building manager again.

OK, I’m back. Ow.

A surprisingly optimistic Senator Amy Klobuchar (D – Minnesota) checked in to talk about the bill and whether the Conservadems will nard up and vote yes.

Did you hear that, lawmakers? It hurts Rachel’s feelings when you don’t call her back. Don’t make her do Sad Pundit puppy eyes.

Which Hunt

Oh, dear, I seem to have missed a memo from the Office of Good and Evil again. (Probably because the Office of Good and Evil closes at midnight and I’m usually too busy to wait in the garden out back.)

Anyway, Rachel reported that apparently it’s now Good to be a vicious bigot about Muslims again. Being completely uninformed except for your own paranoia and hatred is not only sensible and safety-conscious, it’s downright Christian. Who knew?

I can’t tell if political “leaders” have really allowed themselves to become frightened literally beyond all reason of if they’re just playing on the fears of the ignorant to score political points, but either way they should be ashamed of themselves.

Suhail Khan of the Institute for Global Engagement managed not to call Pat Robertson and Congressman Pete Hoekstra (R – Michigan) idiot racist sphincterheads, which makes him two up on me.

Man-Made Disaster

Rachel took us for a closer look at Wednesday’s district court ruling that the Army Corps of Engineers caused the New Orleans levees to fail and thus caused the flooding of the city.

Michael Grunwald of Time joined Rachel to talk about how Mother Nature will whomp you if you’re an idiot about these things.

Not that we seem to be applying any of those lessons in the rebuilding process.

Ms. Information

Rachel noted that Sarah Palin, always a stickler for accuracy, simply did not have the time to put the exhaustive index that she doubtless would have insisted on into her book.

Fortunately, people on the Interwebs will research and catalogue absolutely anything, and at this writing there were already five handy Going Rogue indices.

Rachel, naturally enough, pointed us to Goingrogueindex.com, but you should not click on that link unless you can deal with VERY LOUD music that will come tumbling into your world whether you want it or not, much like the former Governor herself.

Rachel also gave us an update on the vile merchandise that reminds people to pray for President Obama’s death. Gosh, that’s heelarious.

Online sales outlets have had crises of conscience with varying results. Zazzle.com found the merchandise threatening in intent, so it took it off the site, and Café Press took it down, decided it was intended as a joke, and put it back up.

If you go looking for this charming line of products, be warned that another thing that may not stay down is your breakfast.

Pardon the Interruption

Welcome to a Touch of Geek that the folks at TRMS were, according to the Twitter machine, jazzed about all afternoon. And rightly so.

The National Archives is starting a project of trying to reconstruct Nixon chief of staff H. R. Haldeman’s missing notes in an attempt to figure out what was “accidentally” erased in the famous 18 ½ minute gap in the Watergate tapes.

By way of introduction, you will get to see Rachel do the Rose Mary Woods stretch. Try it today!

Rachel started us off with the news that a district judge in Lousiana ruled that shoddy work by the Army Corps of Engineers led to the flooding of St. Bernard Parish. She had a more thorough rundown later in the broadcast, but first it was time to move on to some hot legislative action.

I Know I’ll Be a Law Someday

Rachel reported that Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D – Nevada) introduced Senate health care bill on Wednesday and, goodness gracious, so far it doesn’t look half bad.

I’m still jumpy, though. I’ve been burned before and now a part of me is convinced that there are secret clauses that we’ll have to bark like seals before we can get strep throat cultures or that “94% of Americans are covered” means that each of us has a secret random 6% of the body that’s outta luck.

At any rate, it sounds like some good old-fashioned arm-twisting has been happening and this thing might actually make it to the floor.

The dance floor, that is. Ever since Tom DeLay started shaking everything he’s got that’s disturbing, other lawmakers have been inspired. In lieu of debate, health care reform will be decided by a freestyle dance battle.

Set your DVR. You do not want to miss the Blue Dog tribute to the House of Ninja.

The Karmic Boomerang is Slow But Steady

Rachel noted that the Department of Justice’s Office of Professional Responsibility report is due out within the month.

It reportedly recommends that Jay Bybee and John Yoo, the lawyers who wrote the memos saying that torturing other human beings was totally cool as long as members of the Bush Administration really, truly wanted to, should be disbarred.

I’ve been reading Angler and I’d say that recommending disbarment is generous. Where’s the report that diagnoses them as sociopaths?

Affront Groups

As she so loves to do, Rachel rode the razor-thin line between hilarious and terrifying as she looked at the increasingly bold attempts to influence – or, you know, stop – health care reform.

Sure, you knew about the Fox News connection and the connections to the pharmaceuticals industry, and you had probably noticed that for some reason a disturbing slice of the people against heath care reform are insane, cartoonish racists.

But did you know that Medicare is immoral? I think it’s because so many seniors hook up in the waiting rooms. And you probably didn’t know that electronic medical records are evil, but that’s only because you’ve been hypnotized.

Now bark like a seal.

“I’m Not Scared”

The U.S. is bringing suspected conspirators in the 9/11 hijacking to New York for trial and several right-wing politicians (and whatever the hell Liz Cheney is) have taken the opportunity to scream about what if the terrorists have the power to walk through walls and also super heat vision to melt their shackles and what if they also have several skilled surgeons among them and also what if they all saw Face/Off?

And then several of them started gibbering and drooling about how what the founding fathers really, truly wanted was a judicial system in which you could skip trials for guys you don’t like.

Would anyone like to join me in a séance this weekend? I want to manifest the ghost of Benjamin Franklin just once so he can zip around and slap some of those people. Or make witty, crushing remarks about them that they totally wouldn’t get, but deep down they’d know they’d been burned.

(OK, yes, mostly what materialized Franklin would do is tinker with cool electronic gadgets, drink good beer, and relentlessly hit on chicks. But I’m sure he’d work in at least a few scathing remarks.)

At any rate, Attorney General Eric Holder had a good answer for the fearmongers, which was stop being craven jerks and let our justice system do what it was designed to do.

The next time one of these guys starts sanctimoniously waving the Constitution around, I hope someone is nearby to remind them how quickly they were willing to mulch it when it came to the terror trials.

Army of… How Many?

Holy buckets.

Remember that strategy of sending 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan?

Turns out that’s almost all we have left. And the ones who would be deployed have, for the most part, already done multiple tours of duty.

Spencer Ackerman of The Washington Independent checked in to drop a few sobering numbers on us.

The people who were suggesting the surge in the first place had to know about this, right? What were they thinking we’d do if something else came up, prop up mannequins with helmets on them? Set up a bunch of trip wires that would trigger recordings of dogs barking? Just have the Cheneys hover menacingly over… OK, that one would work.

Katrina Ruling

Rachel finished off by fleshing out the report on the ruling in favor of four plaintiffs from St. Bernard Parish. Michael Grunwald of Time called in with an interesting and sad explanation of the decision.

I suspect we’ll be hearing more about this and it will be maddening, so stock up on happy songs and comfortingly fuzzy blankets.

Rachel started us off with the news that Bart Stupak (D – Michigan) is still trying to kill the health reform bill if it doesn’t contain his sweeping anti-choice amendment, still lying about what the language in the amendment actually says (way to stand up for your principles, weaseldog), and is still about as good at lying as Vicky Pollard is on Little Britain.

As Rachel pointed out, Stupak is not acting alone. Let’s face it: He’s probably not managing to get his shoes on the right foot alone.

Stupak is getting a little help from his pals at The Family – the only bipartisan work we’re seeing in Congress at all lately. Which would be an inspiring example if they weren’t dedicated to establishing a national theocracy.

Oddly enough for a dorm full of men chosen by God, The Family’s C Street House residents have run into a spot of trouble lately.

Jeff Sharlet, the author of the profoundly scary book The Family, dropped in to talk about tax laws and the problems that crop up when your church becomes famous for its members schtupping everything in creation.

While You Were Out

President Obama spoke in China Tuesday to talk about human rights, censorship, and the global economy, while at home members of the far right went completely batpuckey over Obama making a basic gesture of respect.

Dick Cheney thoughtfully took time off from slouching toward Bethlehem to talk about how we’re way too studly as a nation to bow to anyone nyah nyah nyah no girls allowed in his tree house.

Meanwhile the Washington Times charmingly took the opportunity to print a column so racist that George Wallace scrambled out of his grave just to distance himself from it.

If talking about “blood impulse” doesn’t bum you out, wait until Rachel gets to the teddy bears – a cuddly reminder to pray for the death of our President. I’m not kidding.

Rachel welcomed Frank Schaeffer of the Huffington Post to talk about why this really isn’t cute.

Daddy Warbucks

Rachel reported that Transparency International has released its 2009 Corruption Perceptions Index, on which, oh, dear, well, at least we’re in the top 20.

Iraq  and Afghanistan were the 5th and 2nd worst countries, respectively, and we are doing our level best to help keep their averages high.

Turns out Agility, née Public Warehousing Company, has been defrauding the government like it’s ’80’s Nostalgia Week, and the contract to take care of security at Baghdad Airport went to our old pals at ArmorGroup.

If you have a layover in Iraq, DO NOT STOP BY THE LOUNGE AND ASK FOR A DRINK.

Naomi Klein, the author of No Logo, stopped by the studio to talk about war as a for-profit enterprise and thus unsettle you for the next several days.

Ms. Information

Barack Obama spoke at a town hall in China that was not broadcast on the Chinese national TV networks, and his remarks on censorship were scrubbed from the People’s Daily Online.

The most fascinating thing about his whole visit was re-

Work of Friction

Rachel noted that Sarah Palin’s book is getting a lot of attention from the gotcha media just because she got a bunch of dumb old facts wrong.

Like what her legal bills were for.

Nicolle Wallace, a senior advisor to the McCain campaign, gets the blame in Palin’s book for sending her off to big mean Katie Couric and her mean hard questions, and also somehow for Palin’s supercool new wardrobe.

Ms. Wallace remembers things a little differently.

Ana Marie Cox (hooray!) checked in for an interesting wonk(ette) perspective on the whole debacle. As bad as it seems as a political outsider, it looks like for insiders Palin has really upset the dogsled.

And then maybe set it on fire.

And then shot at it from a helicopter a few times, just to be safe.

Rachel started us off with Sarah Palin, who, as an admirer of God, is apparently trying to emulate the whole omnipresent thing.

Whoa. I just had a vision of a Sarah Palin with supernatural powers. If she’d been inside the Ark of the Covenant, that scene from Raiders would have been similar, but she would have melted the faces of anyone who didn’t look.

Rachel took a look at Palin’s “pure political celebrity” status and her three big gambles.

Warning: There is Palin interview footage and things might get folksy. Try not to trip over any dropped Gs.

Terrified

Rachel reported that former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani (R) has completely flipped positions on how he firmly and emphatically believes terrorists must always be treated.

Lest people get disoriented, though, Giuliani is helpfully continuing to be a nattering stoat.

And he’s not alone. Rachel noted that several politicians have resumed screeching about how it’s too scary to bring terrorist suspects to the United States for criminal trials and, perhaps, incarceration.

I wonder if their sudden, intense fears just might possibly have something to do with how easy it was to score political points by stoking fears the last time. It’s like feeding strays. If you do it once, they’ll follow you home. And then they’ll start howling all night about how fair trials equal the government forcing you to let known terrorists into the Kiwanis Club.

I mean, unless you have them neutered.

Anyway, there is a perfectly good, nearly empty maximum security prison in Illinois that would love to have some business, only some of the state’s reps are vehemently against the idea.

You will be astonished to learn that we are nearing primary season.

I kind of hope convicted terrorists do get housed in Thomson, mostly because of the triumph of sanity and the economic boost to the town.

But if they don’t, Thomson, you might want to give California a call.

The state will have to pay you in coupons for free backrubs, but it’ll be worth it.

Postpwned

Rachel took a look at the attempts to prevent the Senate health care reform bill from even getting to the floor.

This would sound like the same health care story you’ve heard 14,000 times in a row this year, except this time it has occurred to pro-reform forces to make the other side have a real filibuster if they’re going to keep threatening to have one. Make ‘em stay up all night and read from the phone book and stuff.

On the one hand, oh, goody!

On the other hand, oh, dear. Because if that happens I am going to become a wretched shell of a woman, completely unable to throw in a load of laundry or eat or go to work or do anything but watch our elected representatives completely lose their minds on C-SPAN.

I’ll miss everyone, but it will be worth it.

The wonderful Senator Sherrod Brown (D – Ohio) checked in to talk some good sense.

Ms. Information

Remember how morally reprehensible it was when the Bush administration tried to block photos of prisoner abuse by United States personnel?

Thank Jebus we got in a new, upright administration that knows the best way to start the healing process and make sure this never happens again is to use the world’s best disinfectant, sunlight. Leeeeeeeet the sun shine in! Leeeeeeeet the sun shine in! The suuuuuu –

They what?

Defense Secretary Robert Gates blocked the release of prisoner abuse photos on Friday, and Rachel noted that an amendment to the Defense Appropriations Act gives him the authority to exempt certain photos from the Freedom of Information Act. Like ones taken after 9/11 in situations where prisoners might have been abused overseas.

On a more positive note, the Obama administration is also suppressing any photos in which someone is making rabbit ears, mistakenly thinking that it’s such a lame thing to do that it goes back around the horn into being hip.

Were you feeling all sad and nostalgic about New York’s District 23 race? Well, you’re in luck. The absentee ballots are still being counted, Conservative spoiler candidate Doug Hoffman has withdrawn his concession, and the teabaggers are never going to stop jabbering until they find a way that they secretly did not completely screw this up.

Rachel then proceeded to make me all crabby by forcing me to have the thought “Oh, poor Lindsey Graham.”

Senator Graham (R – South Carolina) did that thing he does every 538 years when the planets align in the exact right quadrant of the sky and he votes his conscience.

This time he voted for cap and trade, so a toooooootally grassroots group called the American Energy Alliance is starting to run ads about how he wants to raise energy rates – he WANTS to – and force everyone back to not even being able to afford tinderboxes so we’ll all just have to hope that lightning strikes right on our barbecue grills.

Which will be in our homes, heating them.

Rachel made a careful distinction between getting Scozzafavaed and getting Grahamed, and correctly noted that the former is more fun to say.

Rumor has it that the demonstration may make its way into a ringtone, courtesy of Rachel’s webmaster Will.

Picturoo

Next, Rachel brought us a strange and oddly adorable story.

Either the White House has dozens of similarly decorated dining rooms, or its paintings have a case of the shifties.

NBC News Presidential historian Michael Beschloss dropped by for a bit of speculation, but it’s too late. I’m already assuming all the paintings have ghosts in them that make them all floaty.

Rachel started us off by pointing out that the Bush White House was big on starting things but not huge on finishing them when it came to its wars.

Case in point, the War on Terror and that project of bringing the 9/11 suspects to justice.

Now that Attorney General Eric Holder has announced that suspects will be brought to New York to stand trial, people are starting to flip out and say the word ‘justice’ all sarcastically, as though someone who truly loves our country should think it’s a bad thing.

Ah, yes. I remember how much the Founding Fathers hated the concept of a judicial system for people we don’t like. I was especially moved by Patrick Henry’s famous essay “Screw Fair Trials Right in the Ear.”

One of the main arguments against bringing the suspects to trial is that the criminal court system couldn’t possibly handle a terror trial. Rachel scooped up that line of reasoning, spun it around, pinned its arms behind its back, and gave it a quick swat on the butt before moving on.

Stupak as a Box of Hammers

Rachel only needed a quick interstitial spot to illustrate why the Stupak amendment is so dangerous and so aggressively plateheaded.

She reported that the Republican Party has hastily dropped elective abortion coverage from its insurance policy, because whoops! It makes it hard to throw hissy fits when it’s in there. Credible hissy fits, anyway.

…Only the drop still doesn’t really make them theoretically Stupak compliant, because the party is still paying premiums to a company that offers abortion at all. Which means, by Stupak’s logic, that they’re funding abortions .

So, yeah, there might be one or two or all companies that are forced to drop coverage if the amendment passes.

Proof & Consequences

Rachel moved back to the impending terror trials, this time exploring the itsy bitsy little legal hitch of how to get a conviction when evidence might have been obtained during that part where we waterboarded the suspect 183 times.

And then there was the slamming people into walls and the fake executions…

Michael Isikoff of Newsweek checked in to talk about how the government plans to extract the witch trial so we can have a real one.

Ms. Information

Rachel reported that former Congressman William Jefferson (D – Louisiana) has been convicted of moneylaundering, bribery, and racketeering and has been sentenced to 13 years in prison.

Presumably he will be working in the prison kitchens due to his innovative work with frozen foods.

Rachel also brought us a fantastic correction story. Rick Morissey, a sports writer for the Chicago Tribune, had been so skeptical of the Bulls choosing Joakim Noah as their first round draft pick that he said that he would eat his column (with salsa!) if Noah turned out to be worth it.

Noah has been tearing up the court, so Rick Morissey showed his corrections-issuing moxie by tucking in. I admire Morrissey’s willingness to admit he was wrong, dedication to his word, and wisdom in specifying his condiment in advance.

Rogue Gain

…And it sounds like Sarah Palin had better break out the Tabasco or moosetard or whatever it is she uses, because people are already swatting down the, ah, “misstatements” in her book right and left.

Rachel welcomed Air America Radio’s Ana Marie Cox (hooray!) to talk about the effect Palin’s book is having, implausible stories and all.

On an interesting side note, it turns out that Rachel never swears. Though I have it on good authority that she lets out an emphatic “Gee, Willikers!” when she’s really steamed.

Even more interesting is the implication that Ms. Palin’s reputation on the right is about to shift from “plucky lady with a certain tolerable ditziness” to “not at all tolerable liar.”

I wonder how much winking it will take to get past that.

Houston, We Have a Puddle

Remember how we bombed the moon?

It and we are still here, so everything’s cool. Plus we found water! Green cheese slushies for everyone!

Rachel welcomed science guy Bill Nye to talk about what water on the moon does and doesn’t mean and to push for the move onward to Mars.

Yeah, but do we get to make anything explode?

Rachel started off with the news that accused Fort Hood shooter Major Nidal Hassan has been charged with 13 counts of premeditated murder.

So far it looks like Hasan acted alone, but the word “terrorist” is awfully tempting to some people.

Rachel was inspired to explore what the word actually means with law professor Jonathan Turley.

Bonus: Rachel does a frawesome Glenn Beck imitation.

Loose Lips

Rachel noted that she’s not the only one who was openmouthed over Congressman Pete Hoekstra’s (R – Michigan) inability to shut his.

Senior intelligence officials have also raised concerns about Hoekstra’s cakehole.

Chatty Petey remains the top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee.

Should be OK, though – tipping off dangerous people in advance makes intelligence work more exciting, like a James Bond movie! The intelligence community loves that.

JFK or LBJ

Rachel noted that after Ambassador Eikenberry strongly recommended against troop increases, President Obama rejected the four plans he had been considering and is now looking for an exit.

I am really looking forward to hearing wingnuts scream about how another eight years of our troops getting blown up over there would be better than looking “weak”.

Rachel welcomed Gordon Goldstein, author of Lessons in Disaster, to talk about maybe learning a few lessons and not having quite so big a disaster.

Stupak is as Stupak Does

Now that Bart Stupak (D – Michigan) has put the health care bill and the health of countless women in jeopardy with his sweeping antiabortion amendment, he’s trying to show everyone how powerful and studly he is.

Which is going to be a challenge, because during Countdown Rachel confiscated his balls and hung them from her trailer hitch.

Stupak has been threatening to take his 40 votes and go home, but not everyone counts those the same.

Ms. Information

Rachel brought us disturbing news of a teabag separation, which is always painful.

Turns out the Tea Party Patriots, who are backed by the lobbyists at FreedomWorks, can’t stand those mainstream Republican sellouts over at the Americans for Prosperity–backed Tea Party Express.

The Patriots are suing their founder, Amy Kremer, who went Express, and both groups are suing Molly Pazderka, 7, for throwing an actual but non-branded tea party with her stuffed animals.

Kremer is firing back via her blog and, presumably, hand-lettered signs with questionable syntax.

You could have knocked me over with a feather when I learned that the Tea Party folks are hot-tempered and difficult to get along with. Must be sunspots or something.

Speaking of people with questionable judgment attacking each other, a fellow birther has filed an affadavit against Queen Birther Orly Taitz claiming that she tried to get him to perjure himself, and Orly Taitz protested outside Fox News because… I’m not sure.

I think Bill O’Reilly called her a name and it was a way to maybe get on television.

Do Tell

Congressman Barney Frank (D – Massachusetts) told the Washington Blade that there is at last a plan to kill the monumentally dumb Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell rule.

The clip is short and sweet.

And repealing this ridiculous policy will be even sweeter.

Buyer’s Remorse

Oh, my God, this is marvelous.

Enjoy several side-splitting minutes of Congressman Steve Buyer (R – Indiana) doing some hilariously inept lying. It’s just fantastic.

Did it really not occur to him to test out his cover stories before he went into the national television interview?

Well, I guess he was distracted. What with his charitable foundation deciding to move the very same day the reporter was calling with questions and all.

In a way, Buyer achieves a certain shabby magnificence in his brazen corruption. Why didn’t he just do the interview in a Boss Hogg outfit?