(1) We’re psychologically battering our community. Thirty-one (!) gay marriage ballot measures have gone against us. Forget about Arizona – there are same-sex couples in relatively progressive states who were set up to get their hopes up, only to have it all yanked away from them. In some cases, even previously-enacted domestic partnership laws were left in question by marriage ballot beheadings. We must stop setting people up to be devastated!

(2) We spend hundreds of millions of dollars to defend marriage rights passed in court or legislature in progressive states, while same-sex couples in Alabama, Mississippi, or Idaho, have absolutely no protections for their relationships. That money could be better spent procuring domestic partnership rights for people in more conservative areas. Polling shows that most Americans, even in conservative places, support domestic partnership protections.

(3) In places where there are no protections for same-sex relationships, the poor, women, and people of color are disproportionately affected. Rich and middle-class gays can afford the lawyers to craft the legally-sound wills and directives that ensure that one partner will make medical decisions for the other, or that either will have inheritance rights, or that their joint raising of a child will not be invalidated in courts. I know, because I hired a lawyer and did a will protecting my partner and me; and I recently left a southern state where not doing so would have been begging for trouble. Low-income gays can’t do this. So a same-sex couple in Selma, North Carolina, who have no DP protections and no money, is left to the dogs. To the extent that a greater percentage of lesbian couples, or same-sex households of color, are lower-income than their white gay male counterparts, having no rights at all is far more damaging to them. This isn’t to say that denial of marriage isn’t damaging to everyone, even to middle-class or rich gays, but it does say that not having even domestic partnership rights is absolutely devastating to same-sex couples. California and Maine both had domestic partnership protections before their marriage initiatives. Same-sex couples in many areas of Utah or Louisiana have nothing.

(4) It has become clear that a far more likely scenario than winning gay marriage state-by-state, is winning domestic partnerships on a federal, national level. The Obama administration, as well as the Congress and Senate, are poised to do it. For me (and my conscience, and my money) giving same-sex couples in Tennessee even basic legal recognition of their relationships is far more valuable than upgrading a couple’s status in Maine from domestic partnership to marriage.

(5) Getting national domestic partnership rights for couples might increase the numbers of straights who “get it” that gay couples deserve equal rights.

(6) Putting gay marriage on a state ballot makes our gay brothers and sisters in that state wonder who voted against them. Was it family? Neighbors? Friends? This isn’t bringing people together. This is causing suspicion, bitterness, and hurt. Bringing people together is probably the only way we’re going to eventually convince straights that we deserve equality under the law. Telling our personal stories works much better than forcing people to make choices along philosophical lines.

(7) Continuing the same-sex marriage “smack-down” is just emboldening our bigoted foes who will now think they can use their inhumane, despicable tactics in the remaining 19 states in the union.

(8) It took some 160 years between the first state striking down interracial marriage bans, to the Virginia v. Loving 1967 Supreme court decision striking down all such bans. Gay marriage is inevitable – and certainly in much less time than 160 years. But there has to be a more intelligent strategy than battering people psychologically in progressive states while denying people much needed resources and protection in conservative states.

They want you to either hide or just go away.