Subscribe to Breaking NewsDuffy: How gay soldiers find each other
I don’t know if it is everywhere, but in my infantry unit, heterosexual promiscuity is celebrated. Of course, there is a double standard when it comes to heterosexual and homosexual male promiscuity. Heterosexual men can sleep with many women and not be looked down upon. But homosexual promiscuity is one of the evils that anti-gay groups warn people about.
I was listening in to two other soldiers speak of an experience one had during his two week leave. This young soldier decided to head to Europe with one of our sergeants instead of going home to visit his girlfriend. This 22-year-old seemed to be a bit prude. He was religious, with a set way of thinking about what is right and wrong. The other soldier is a preacher back in the states. The preacher is a good 15 years older than the other soldier, and I assume has more life experience to ‘preach’ from.
On the trip, soldier ‘Prude’ had sex with two girls visiting from the US. He even admitted that he would never have done something like that back in the States. Not only did he have sex with them, but he collected their emails and Facebook information and continued to actively communicate with them.
It turns out that Prude’s long-time girlfriend accessed both his email and Facebook account. I told him he should pretend to be mad at her for invading his privacy. I mean, how could he be with her if he couldn’t trust her? Of course, this would be totally wrong and just an effort to turn the attention from him for a moment. He decided to keep talking to her, to apologize, and to try to make amends. In the end she didn’t take him back. In the very end, she wasn’t being too faithful, either.
Soldier ‘Preacher” is married, but that doesn’t keep him from having sex here. He has good looks and seems to know exactly what to say to get a woman to bed. I don’t know if his wife knows that he does these things here. It might be one of those what happens in Iraq, stays in Iraq-type things.
This is the activity that is the norm here. I’ve heard rumors that homely women volunteer for deployments because it is so easy to find a man. Even if these rumors are just misogynistic noise, this is the general attitude.
I had heard when I first arrived in south Iraq that there was some kind of bathhouse where gay men were meeting. The rumor was that it was shut down – I don’t know much else about it. Unfortunately, that is the only actual meeting place I have heard about for gays and it wasn’t for platonic activity. With this kind of limited access, how can gays ever live up to their evil, promiscuous ways?
Gay soldiers aren’t as lucky as our heterosexual counterparts. There are fewer of us to go around. If we are to be as promiscuous as a heterosexual soldier, we really have to try. We can’t just talk our way into bed like the preacher - we have to use our technological resources.
If a gay soldier has computer access, there are a few sites that might give our conservative friends something to complain about. If it’s not blocked, Adam4Adam.com has a dedicated hookup site devoted to Iraq. Gay.com has a good chat feature to help you keep in contact with local gays at home, though there aren’t many people using the service in Iraq. There is also a yahoo group called DLSOLDIERS that has visitors from Iraq and Afghanistan.
Although I don’t support cheating and am personally not into promiscuity, I believe that having access to other gays can be helpful during a deployment. I have spoken to many gay soldiers all over Iraq through the use of these sites. I will probably continue to talk to them when I am home and they are still serving.
Duffy, this has always been the case. I was in the Navy for 13 years and saw this sort of thing was and accepted way of life. During my first tour at the Norfolk Naval Station it was considered to be open season when the destroyers would leave the destroyer base. The enlisted mens housing was as busy as a downtown whore house. But all of this was ok because it was between opposite genders. When I told the ONI agent that this sort of thing could be open season for anyone who was interested in blackmail. His comment: “not a problem because it is activity between a male and female.” But if you are queer than you are not to be trusted in any event. Nothing has changed!
I see this and try to read it and actually find myself wondering about Sean Penn’s divorce and why the guy from mash coming out isn’t front page news here.
How do gay men find each other in the military? Sounds like a porn description.
In the early 80s, after I outted myself in an attempt to leave the navy and the ship I was serving on behind, I endured the abuse and disdain of my shipmates for a two years. It seems I wasn’t able to prove I was homosexual. At least not enough to convince my CO that I should be booted–but enough for the crew to make my life miserable. During this time, a shipmate who I’d long admired but of course did nothing with on the ship, asked me privately what it was like being promiscuous.
Needless to say this answered my question on whether he might some day be available but I still wonder why he automatically assumed since I was gay that I was promiscuous.
I think it’s funny now, but so am I. Oh yeah, I served my full six years and was honorably discharged.
As a veteran of the Army, I understand where Michael is coming from, especially since I came out during my time in service.
For me, the issue wasn’t as much about promiscuity as it was about being able to be myself around others like me. Luckily, at my first duty station, I had a few people in my unit that were very close to me, and I could be open with them. Needless to say, this made my coming out experience a lot nicer than it could have been.
However, when I changed duty stations, I quickly lost that close base of support. I didn’t have virtually any friends that I felt comfortable confiding in, so while I was able to spend time with them, I couldn’t really be myself. In this situation, being able to reach out and at least talk to other gay servicemembers in the area would have made my time a little more enjoyable and comforting.
I thought any fornication outside marriage was illegal in the service?
All comments are right on. During my Naval Service (1965-70) I found out firsthand there really are interrogation rooms at the D.C. Navy Yard. You know, acoustical walls/ceiling, grey metal desk, chairs, and bare light bulb hanging from the ceiling. After experiencing the “good cop, bad cop” routine twice, I had no choice but to take my honorable even though I’d hoped to make a career of the Navy. At that time, a dishonorable discharge was standard for queers. That would have disqualified me from government or any other meaningful employment. Yet hetro sexual activity, including adultery, was not only permitted but celebrated.
I will NEVER forgive my Country for the five years of mental anguish resulting from my fear of being “found out” and denying me the oppotunity not only to serve my Country but to enjoy security in retirement.
I served in the military USN from 83 to 98. I’ve been on several duty stations and ships. It is a common mith that all gays are sexual deviants. We are presummed to be premiscuous. I know more gay relationships lasting longer that hetro relationships. People are people and should be allowed to sleep with, date whome ever they feel the attraction to. I do not understand why people in general make such a deal of homosexuality. Finding good friends with whome I could confide in was the key to making the service work for me. Not all hetrosexuals are narrow minded. I guess getting to know a person is the first key, then finding common ground in which a friendship can bond and grow.
Sex is sex. And it’s fun. And I reject anybody’s opinion if it somehow makes sex dirty. And I don’t believe in monogamy, particularly for gay people. Read the book “The Myth of Monogamy” if you have any questions. That said, the military personnel I’ve known (just last night, in fact) say that they rarely have trouble hooking up with another military person. Gaydar is a great feature. Maybe yours needs some fine tuning! Have some happy time, and don’t get the crap beaten out of you.
OMG, Ballston, I know that room very well at the Anacostia Naval Yard (Naval Weapons Plant), including the two way mirror. When I was left in the room alone they left all the folders on the desk in front of me. I guess they though I was stupid enough to believe that that was actually a one way mirror. I pretened to fall asleep as though I was bored silly. I had to take a lie detector test as well and past it without a hitch. All I did mentally was to associate anything gay with sky diving.
Sex?? The one thing I learned while stationed at the Norfolk Naval Base was that jarheads do like to play bottom. The first time was a hoot. The guy wanted to get it but when I tried to reach around to grab his meat he freaked and wanted to know if I was a queer. Of course I said absolutely not and continued to work it. Strange! Just tend to the business of being a top and everything was just fine. Never messed with other blue jackets as I was very careful with whom I associated on the base. Too risky. And off base it was only jarheads. Heard of too many corpsmen and other blue jackets getting caught and booted out of the Navy. Did not want that experience. They got 13 years of my life and that was enough.
You’re kidding me, right? With all the hand gestures and body language for soliciting homosexual behavior among men and women, I think this guy is pulling our collective legs.
What drives liberals to tell patent lies
The Dalrymple quote on political correctness is apropos here. He wrote:
Political correctness is communist propaganda writ small. In my study of communist societies, I came to the conclusion that the purpose of communist propaganda was not to persuade or convince, nor to inform, but to humiliate; and therefore, the less it corresponded to reality the better. When people are forced to remain silent when they are being told the most obvious lies, or even worse when they are forced to repeat the lies themselves, they lose once and for all their sense of probity. To assent to obvious lies is to co-operate with evil, and in some small way to become evil oneself. One’s standing to resist anything is thus eroded, and even destroyed. A society of emasculated liars is easy to control. I think if you examine political correctness, it has the same effect and is intended to.
RJ:
It’s obvious you don’t speak from experience. Those that left comments sharing their own stories give testament to what I am writing about here and I appreciate their candor. The double standard in the way society views promiscuity of heterosexuals and homosexuals – the difficulty in finding any confidant or physical relationship without the threat of being fired – these are the realities that soldiers and sailors commenting here have lived with.
We can all pull quotes out and sound intelligent. What we know YOU think is that I am pulling your leg. Please reread the comments of those with experience in these areas and you will see that this has been the case over the last 20 years.
Now we have new technology which makes it easier to meet without as much risk. There will always be risk. I hope I cleared up any confusion.
I appreciate YOUR thoughts and welcome you to write again. Thomas Jefferson said: “Truth between candid minds can never do harm”. So please help me clarify my position if there seems to be untruths in the future.
-Michael
Duffy
I wonder how it compares back in garrison. First off, thank God for you. I’m in service too, and I’m sorry I can’t go into specifics but you understand. I’m awaiting deployment, and the prospect of it seemed daunting itself let alone being gay to complicate it. You’re right though, having others in the same situation to learn from is very important. we have FRG meetings all the time, and it sucks because I sit there forced to go when NONE of it applies to me. It sucks. It also sucks reading all these other comments from prior service with such terrible accounts. So far, I’ve been really careful. And haven’t personally witnessed any discharges, but the fear of it, even though others assure me I haven’t anything to fear, is pervasive and ridiculous. I joined knowing who I was before, but having little other options and honestly wanting to give back something to this Country, something I do every day with such pride, is so great to me. I just wish that the President would hurry up and get rid of the stupid thing. The opinions of many soldiers here is pretty much the same, “who cares?” The couple that know tell me to not be so nervous, but God, I’m so used to THIS secrecy and lying all the time that I’m frightened to death of actually acting on anything. Less energy to concern oneself with. Still. I’m young, and can’t help feeling like I volunteered a mountain more than my straight counterparts in the sacrifice arena.
It sucks. But, dude — you rock. Please keep posting as much as you can. It’s comforting reading about someone in the field, doing the job under the constraints, and still managing well. You give me confidence!
I dont think there was anything really against homosexuals in my unit it was kindve looked upon as a joke,half the stuff we did during basic was kinda gay.I myself am bi,was discharged before i graduated due to medical reasons not to mention the chaplain ratted me out but there was,i dunno plenty of homophobic guys but i knew of atleast half a dozen gay guys in my inf company that were more or less out and nobody had a problem with it,might’ve ragged em about it a bit but no one said or did anything was more or less the reverse if someone had tried doing something they wouldve been the ones to take a punch not the gay guys.Not even sure why im posting this just wanted to say i know what its like having to listen to the whole macho lines about who their dating/sleeping with and my bunkmate lauded his ability to cheat on his fiance,I had a bf at the time back home but i could hardly talk about him or even mention him the way most of the guys could about their girls.
Victor:
Thanks for commenting- good luck on your deployment!
As a 20 year vetern of the Navy, gay sailors will always find other gay sailors on ship, usually for friendships, sometimes for sex. In forgein posts it is usually very easy to fine local gays also. “Gaydar” isn’t switched off upon enlistment.