Subscribe to Breaking NewsDuffy: Coming out to fellow soldiers – or not
We are doing a rip now. This is when a new batch of soldiers is shipped in to take over our positions and we have to go through the motions and teach them all that we know and have learned during our tour. It is an exciting time in that it heralds the final days here. There are a few downfalls, though.
I was kicked out of my room so that the new soldiers had a place to stay. The roommate I had as my confidant, the only person I have been open with, has already been sent away ahead of me. I no longer have someone to talk to personally about all things homosexual. What’s even more constricting is that one of my new roommates in the tiny room they squeezed me in is a conservative Christian. There are 3 Bibles staring me in the face and I can’t even mention something of a homosexual nature without the fear of getting lectured.
Don’t get me wrong. This soldier is awesome and I trust him with my life. I just don’t trust him with my career.
I don’t think he would accept having me as a roommate and would make it very difficult for me if I came out to him – me might even out me to the leadership. I don’t have a reading on how my other soldier-roommate here would react. He’s older and seems to be laid back.
I have actually come out to two soldiers in this unit during this deployment. Both of them are gone. One of them left on a medical issue a few months ago, and the other just left recently. Writing for you all has made me consider whether I over-exaggerate possible reactions of my fellow soldiers.
Would my conservative roommate really react as negatively as I believe? Maybe he would be worse – or not care at all.
In a time where the president of ‘change’ of ‘hope’ and of a belief that Washington won’t be ‘politics as usual’ one would think the repeal of DADT would help me answer these questions. Unfortunately, I have no hope for this president following through with his campaign words; I can’t trust my commander-in-chief chief to look out for me.
I can’t rely on the repeal of DADT to help me start a dialogue with my fellow soldiers unless Congress pushes through legislation that the President seems reluctant to get behind.
I have a short time left with this group of infantry soldiers before I return to my old unit – the unit that knows me best. I wonder if I should be a little more open with these soldiers and try to open a dialogue. Since there are only a few weeks, it might be possible to have them live with the knowledge without them feeling trapped. If the experience ends well for me, maybe it would be a good learning experience for us all. Then again if someone reacts badly – who knows what might happen.
I’ll let you know if I do tell anyone else and what their reaction is. It’s kind of a fun experiment, although a bit dangerous. Some might not consider it a loss if I lose my military job. That and physical retaliation are my only real fears in thinking about this. I may lose a few friends, but perhaps I shouldn’t be friends with them if they are that homophobic.
Duffy: You have been brave in blogging about your experiences and opening up to some of the soldiers around you. But I fear for your personal safety and your military career. You may not have enough time left with these new soldiers to accurately judge whether they can appropriately handle the news that you are gay. Also, they need time just to get over the jitters of their new deployment, without having to think about other issues. Finally, you mentioned your former confidantes are already gone. So you don’t have them as emotional support in case the new situation goes badly. Give it as much time as you can before deciding what to do. But most importantly, take care of YOU and come home safe.
What if there was a national armed forces “Coming Out Day”, with lots of publicity and lead time.
Get the military brass worried about discharging 10’s of thousands of soldiers in one day because of DADT.
Thanks Everyone: I read every comment!
I was in the Air Force and while I was out to many of my friends and co-workers, and many more suspected that I was gay, I was always careful about who I told. In fact, I came very close to being “outed” because somebody was found out, and had photos from a party at their house. That provoked the proverbial “witch hunt.” I’m still not sure how I managed to avoid that one – other than that I had already PCSd when it hit.
My advice – trust the people you know, and don’t trust the people you don’t really know. All it needs is for a casual slip of the tongue a la “I had a gay roommate once” and your career is toast.
Oh and thanks for the posts – I really appreciate the insight you give people who have never served.
As a former service member and an out lesbian I advise you not to out yourself to these people. Your old command knows and cares for you, whereas these people may care for regulations more.
In my time in I met some people who honestly believed that following regulations to the letter were more important than people’s lives. They and the soulless opportunists are people you must beware of and frankly, you haven’t had the chance to pick them out yet. I’m glad I have the opportunity to be out, but I treasure every day I spent in uniform and I wouldn’t want you to lose part of it in an experiment. Just a little bit longer and you’ll be back among people you can trust.
This is the main flaw in DADT. It makes good soldiers fear and mistrust the very people they must live, work,and fight alongside. I hope it comes down soon and when it does I hope we both have the opportunity to serve openly.
After four years in the US Army, I know how you feel about this one. It doesn’t take long for me to throw it to the wind, however, so a vast majority of the personnel I work with now all know I’m gay. Granted, yes, this is a pretty big leap of faith as far as trust is concerned, but in the long run it’s about how I feel about myself, and actually being myself that matters most to me right now. It’s honestly surprising how many people came up to me later to tell me they were Gay/Lesbian/Bi, and it really struck a cord of friendship there as well.
It’s a risk, sure, but it will be up to you in the end. Just be prepared for anything.
‘Hope for the best, prepare for the worst’
My old roommate was Ret. Army. He was the first person I came out to. It was like going over a waterfall.
After he moved out, he left me contemplating my own life. “If you are willing to give it all up, and still have the strength to move on, then why wouldn’t you?”
Best of Luck
I had this roommate who was a ret. army sgt. He was also the first person I ever came out to. Both of us have known each other for years and neither of us are religious or anything like that.
It wasn’t easy when I said it to him though. I got this feeling like I was headed over a waterfall. I think he’s had certain things in his life that were like that too.
He never re-enlisted because he didn’t like it there. When he moved out of the apartment, and back to the east coast, I was left there with a voice telling me “if you’re willing to give it all up, and still have the strength to move on… then why wouldn’t you?”
Do what your heart tells you is true. Best of luck soldier.
While the men you might trust with this information might be cool. They could tell someone else and then you’re fucked! Better to be safe than sorry. DADT is the law today and it isn’t discretionary. Some of the best and most important have been thrown out! We need people of Character serving.
Mr. Duffy (aka):
If you can’t be yourself around people, than you can’t trust them with this knowledge.
I have a favorite saying I often repeat to myself: As I walk through The Valley of Death, “cigars…cigarettes”.
The real horror of DADT is the anxiety gay soldiers experience because of having to police themselves and lie. It is certainly not good for the military to have soldiers have to worry about such things when they are trying to serve their country.
I don’t blame you…I wouldn’t trust a fascist Christian with my career either…that’s why I say fascists.
It’s a tough call, but maybe the better result comes from the new guys getting to know you a little better, then once you’re no longer in a confined space with them, letting the truth out. Perhaps finding out after the fact and seeing that they weren’t ogled or raped or recruited while sharing a living space with a gay soldier will be more educational to them than being confronted by their phobias up front. I’m not saying to lie before then, just wait to be asked, and when asked, then make the call. I firmly believe that if someone asks about someone else’s sexuality, they’ve already considered the possible answers, so their likely reaction can be judged by the way they ask.
Please think through your decisions carefully before you act. The repercussions here could clearly be permanent.
I personally relate to what you feel right now Duffy. I have a similar problem. Your situation is temporary. I personally would not risk my career over it. I worked very hard to get as far as I have come as I am sure you have. It may be great opportunity to educate but could take more time than you have. While I would not take the risk, I would advise that you trust your intuition but be prepared for any negative results.