I was just on a weeklong mission near the Baghdad Airport and was happy to be back on my own Forward Operating Base (FOB). Then I was sent on another mission lasting a few days.

“All fags should die” one of my colleagues said to me today. We started the brief discussion after we found a folder on one of the desktop computers that contained short bestiality vids at the Morale and Welfare building. The local nationals and the other countries that support the war in Iraq have some varied tastes, apparently.

Somehow, the mention of a man that was rumored to have died after participating in a sexual act with a horse set this soldier off on gays. He went on to say that they are a “bad influence on open minded kids”- an all-too-familiar conservative claim.

I was trying to remain calm and understanding. At the same time, I had to hold my tongue and my fists. I wonder what it is like for other soldiers like me that feel they have to shut up and even play along.

I’m not other soldiers, though, and I’m trained as a social worker – so I tried to keep my reaction subdued while attempting to defend myself from his ignorant insults. The vehicle commander (actually TC or tank commander, but we’re not in tanks anymore), bought me some time, because he said, “We need gays and lesbians… well lesbians at least” and they went on with some chauvinist banter about how hot lesbians can be.

When the nauseated feeling quelled in the pit of my stomach, I chose my words carefully.

“So all gays should die?” I asked.

That simple, open-ended question was enough to have the other two thinking and talking about their experience with gays and lesbians. The vocal one with the violent comment began to talk about his sister’s friend who is a gun-toting, hunting redneck who you would never suspect was gay.

“He works on cars and hangs with us guys. His boyfriend is cool too,” my colleague said.

Then the TC started in with his experience with a particular lesbian he has known for awhile and how cool he thinks she is.

My fists unclenched slightly. This sudden relaxation of murderous comments gave me hope.

“So not all gays are bad then?” I asked.

These open-ended questions are common when providing therapy. They also keep me from having to actually express an opinion and open myself up to getting ridiculed or worse. My colleague the homophobe explained that it’s not all gays he doesn’t like – just the ones that put themselves out there, and “rub it in your face.”

“So you don’t like gay guys or you don’t like feminine guys?” I said.

This question, while I hope it made him think some, wasn’t answered. He continued along the “gays that rub it in your face” line. He compared the more flamboyant gays with his hunting, car-fixing gay buddy. He explained about how they didn’t show public displays of affection and even danced with girls when they went out- while still being open about being gay.

So – he doesn’t believe all gays should die after all, though he clearly still has some misguided opinions. But what if I hadn’t asked my question? Would he have assumed that I or the TC agreed with him? Although I still had to listen to him call others “fag” and use the word in a few different ways to describe other people, I was glad that there seemed to be some hope for this Southern-bred soldier.

On a lighter note – I related this story to my roommate, just now. I came out to him two weeks ago, and he said, “[He’s] an idiot and I make it obvious I don’t like him.”
Although I don’t wish negativity on anyone I confess that it did give me a little relief.

“Michael Duffy” is a pseudonym for a gay soldier stationed in the Middle East. He blogs regularly for 365gay.com.