Subscribe to Breaking NewsDuffy: “All fags should die”
I was just on a weeklong mission near the Baghdad Airport and was happy to be back on my own Forward Operating Base (FOB). Then I was sent on another mission lasting a few days.
“All fags should die” one of my colleagues said to me today. We started the brief discussion after we found a folder on one of the desktop computers that contained short bestiality vids at the Morale and Welfare building. The local nationals and the other countries that support the war in Iraq have some varied tastes, apparently.
Somehow, the mention of a man that was rumored to have died after participating in a sexual act with a horse set this soldier off on gays. He went on to say that they are a “bad influence on open minded kids”- an all-too-familiar conservative claim.
I was trying to remain calm and understanding. At the same time, I had to hold my tongue and my fists. I wonder what it is like for other soldiers like me that feel they have to shut up and even play along.
I’m not other soldiers, though, and I’m trained as a social worker – so I tried to keep my reaction subdued while attempting to defend myself from his ignorant insults. The vehicle commander (actually TC or tank commander, but we’re not in tanks anymore), bought me some time, because he said, “We need gays and lesbians… well lesbians at least” and they went on with some chauvinist banter about how hot lesbians can be.
When the nauseated feeling quelled in the pit of my stomach, I chose my words carefully.
“So all gays should die?” I asked.
That simple, open-ended question was enough to have the other two thinking and talking about their experience with gays and lesbians. The vocal one with the violent comment began to talk about his sister’s friend who is a gun-toting, hunting redneck who you would never suspect was gay.
“He works on cars and hangs with us guys. His boyfriend is cool too,” my colleague said.
Then the TC started in with his experience with a particular lesbian he has known for awhile and how cool he thinks she is.
My fists unclenched slightly. This sudden relaxation of murderous comments gave me hope.
“So not all gays are bad then?” I asked.
These open-ended questions are common when providing therapy. They also keep me from having to actually express an opinion and open myself up to getting ridiculed or worse. My colleague the homophobe explained that it’s not all gays he doesn’t like – just the ones that put themselves out there, and “rub it in your face.”
“So you don’t like gay guys or you don’t like feminine guys?” I said.
This question, while I hope it made him think some, wasn’t answered. He continued along the “gays that rub it in your face” line. He compared the more flamboyant gays with his hunting, car-fixing gay buddy. He explained about how they didn’t show public displays of affection and even danced with girls when they went out- while still being open about being gay.
So – he doesn’t believe all gays should die after all, though he clearly still has some misguided opinions. But what if I hadn’t asked my question? Would he have assumed that I or the TC agreed with him? Although I still had to listen to him call others “fag” and use the word in a few different ways to describe other people, I was glad that there seemed to be some hope for this Southern-bred soldier.
On a lighter note – I related this story to my roommate, just now. I came out to him two weeks ago, and he said, “[He’s] an idiot and I make it obvious I don’t like him.”
Although I don’t wish negativity on anyone I confess that it did give me a little relief.
“Michael Duffy” is a pseudonym for a gay soldier stationed in the Middle East. He blogs regularly for 365gay.com.
What strikes me in reading your stories and accounts is the balancing act that you and others must do. Who to trust, i.e. your roommate, who not, how to suppress that instinct for a confrontation. I and other civilians can sympathize, but we can’t truly, 100 percent, understand what it must be like.
Bless you, be safe, and always know how completely appreciated you are.
So is the point of this that it is OK then to be gay just not effeminate? I fail to see how this conversation moves us forward to equality. Sure it is great to get them to think a little, but I still find it horrific that anyone in the gay community can be appeased when the hatred is then targeted to those in our own community who are more one way, less another…so I just want to make sure I understand that it is then OK to be gay as long as you like sports or hunting or resemble a socially acceptable view of “masculinity”? Wherease with our Lesbian sisters, its ok if you are lipstick but certainly not the butch variety? Don’t get me wrong, I do think we should listen and try to have meaningful conversations but at the end of those conversations, we should be clear that whether masculine or feminine we ALL deserve dignity and respect. I didn’t get that this was a point made in the “conversation”.
If we did away with DADT, this and other homophobes more than likely would be “scared straight” and get over their unfounded fears. But DADT only promotes this insanity by making it easy to hide behind the belief that gay is not good and gay bashing (verbal and physical) must be OK.
I’m of the mind that every step in the right direction is something to acknowledge. While this soldier is still clearly speaking from religious and social stereotypes, the fact that he was able to take a step back and acknowldge that homosexuality isn’t negative in of itself is a step in the right direction. Also, he said “all fags should die,” not “all homosexuals should die.” It is a sad truth that more often than not straight people throw the word “fag” around as being separate to “homosexual.” Many people who use “gay” instead of “stupid” or “lame” are guilty of this as well.
This is my experience today Michael. The point of the post is to share my experience as a soldier currently as it happens- to show the ignorance and hatred I (and others) face but don’t have much power to fight without endangering myself and or my career. Unfortunatly I didn’t find it a good time to press the masculinity question I had asked but I intended to continue if the situation allowed. Basically I suspected I could get him to agree its not all gays he dislikes… and then its not all guys that aren’t masculine he dislikes… hoping to eventually have him try to put a finger on what exactly it is he dislikes. But when the subject changes I can’t drag it back without opening myself up for trouble. I don’t condone prejudice based on apparent masculinity. Finally, I believe any little bit helps… if i can get him to see that no one in that vehicle agreed with him… that his stereotypes and prejudices aren’t bound by rational thought… and that gays shouldn’t be all killed… then when DADT is removed, or when he meets another gay or lesbian, he will be able to accept them a little more readily. thats the hope i have.
My gender expression is to be feminine in a unisex way and I would of fired off at this guy’s attitude in a hissy fit.
It’s yet more evidence that DADT needs to go. Gay and lesbian servicemembers should be able to respond to insults like that, positively by asserting their orientation, rather than abstractly. It’s homophobic bigotry that threatens cohesion and morale, not queer servicemembers.
I understand that Michael Duffy needs to be careful that he doesn’t ‘out’ himself. But it seems like there were a lot of missed opportunities to educate these soldiers. Saying something obvious like, “You do know that gay people don’t have sex with animals, right?” seems like a no brainer; and when the soldier said, “(Gays are a) bad influence on open minded kids.” Michael could have explained that people aren’t taught their sexuality, they’re born with it; and that gays recruiting children is an old wife’s tale. That would have been a more productive conversation.
Ask him why he doesn’t think of himself as being gay when he gets off on touching a penis, his own, during masturbation.
I have heard about the Documentary about the man that died from having intercourse with the horse. He was a heterosexual married man with a family. He was not even gay!
Actually heterosexuals want gay men to be effeminate. Heterosexual males want no one to challenge their masculinity and definitely don’t want any gay man to assert his sexuality the way heterosexuals do. They want us to be subserviant to them.
Very nice post.
It’s actions such as yours that moves all of us one step further.
Thanks for sharing.
( From a gun toting, redneck that likes to hunt and work on cars/motorcycles.)
i’m about as queer as a 3 dollar bill and you can believe i wont sit there and “bite my tongue and hold my fists” there lies the problem….
Speak UP biatches! you let people roll with the stupidity and the ignorance in silence then they “assume” you are just like them or at best you agree with them!
a black guy told me one time. o, i didn’t know you was “a gay” i said, o i didnt know you was a “black” then he said, i feel “compelled” to tell you what the bible says… and i said you are only compelled to leave me alone and mind your business.
Now this man and i are very friendly if not more then before i told him i was gay…
GROW BALLS AND COME OUT OF THE CLOSET! Tell these people that their Beliefs (usually their religion) has NO HOLD OVER YOU! (period) set your ownself free.
RELIGION SUCKS!
You are a coward. Writing this does not make you brave. You aren’t telling us anything we don’t know. Anyone who would involve themselves in the murder of other people, ie the military, is not an opinion that anyone should truly take seriously. So if your co-murderers think I should die because of who I love, that’s fine with me. What I think of them is much worse. I’d rather die then be on a planet with people like you that think you are so great because you are in the military. No one forced you to do it. You are doing it on your own free will. You signed up for it. I would NEVER thank you for killing someone to save my life. So if your buddies want to kill me? Seems fair. I know you’d never stand up for me because you are a closeted coward.
Thanks for all your posts guys. It’s hard to know what to say when your fuming. To try and say something as if you don’t have any stock in the discussion. Also, you know the people you work with and how far you can push a conversation. Other soldiers I might have kept on going… but the situation was what it was and the conversation rolled on to other subjects. I was hoping to get into the fact that not all feminine guys (or ‘butch’ women) are gay and that he might have a problem with gender stereotypes but he went on with another subject. I am still surprised how many anti-military people are out there. I would better understand you guys if you explained your position without the animosity.
Thanks For the posts negative and positive!