Subscribe to Breaking NewsDaigle: The Lesson in Losing
We lost in Maine. And that loss… well, it sucks. No point in trying to describe it otherwise.
So, now what?
For starters, if you’re not — come out. To your family, to your friends, to the people you work with. Show the people around you that there’s a face and a name and a life attached to losses like these. The people who go into voting booths and cast votes against our community more than likely only know us in the abstract — in the horrible ads that ran in California and Maine, in the pathetic, hate-filled diatribes of people like James Dobson and Maggie Gallagher, in the hellfire and brimstone damnations delivered from pulpits — and in the abstract, we are easy to reject.
But when we aren’t just an abstraction, when they know what we’re like, what we do, how we conduct our lives and that we move in the same circles and same world as they do, there’s a much better chance of changing their minds. And we can only do that if we’re out. Yes, it sometimes comes with great risk, but we’re seeing the cost of staying in the closet. Maine is the cost. California is the cost.
Secondly, we need to stop blaming the rest of the world for taking marriage away from us and channel that energy into fighting for it. It’s easy to get angry today and call the voters in Maine bigots and rant and rage and point fingers and stew. But what does that accomplish? Not a single thing. You want change? Then work towards it. If you’re spending five minutes today being angry at Maine voters, I hope you spent five minutes calling voters in Maine, urging them to vote “no,” sent emails, wrote a blog, did something, anything — otherwise, you’re wasting time and energy. Anger is only useful when it’s turned into something. Otherwise, it’s an empty emotion, and we’re no closer to victory than we were before.
Finally, we need to start thinking and acting like a real community. This morning, I saw angry missives and comments online from friends of mine over the results of Maine. But those same people, in the weeks leading up to the vote, weren’t talking about it or thinking about it or caring about it. What happens to gay couples in Maine affects gay couples in Idaho affects single gay men in Mississippi affects gay people, coupled or not, everywhere. We’re a community, and until we really start caring about what happens to each and every one of us, nothing will change for any of us. It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe in marriage or don’t want to be married — act for those in your community who do. Because we’ll stand up for your freedoms when the time comes.
Let’s look toward the next fight. Let’s educate ourselves. Let’s unify as a community. Let’s act. Abandon everything else.
Learn something from this loss. Otherwise, we lost marriage for nothing.
>For starters, if you’re not — come out.
Yes. Harvey Milk was right. It all starts from this. It’s harder to hate a real person that you know than it is to hate “one of them.”
TD is a Canadian bank. In Canada, retail division is officially TD Canada Trust; the TD stands for Toronto Dominion. They have a float in Toronto Pride, and have done for many years. TD bought BankNorth in Portland a few years ago. If anybody has proof of TD or any of its US subsidiaries funding antigay stuff, you can damn sure bet that Canuck media would eat that story up.
This is an example. Please don’t accuse companies simply by their presence. Next somebody’s gonna accuse IKEA of being antigay for being in Draper UT, Katy TX, and Woodbridge VA.
@Karl
from TDBank’s own webpage :
Executive Offices
TD Bank, N.A.
Two Portland Square
P.O. Box 9540
Portland, Maine 04112-9540
800-462-3666
Unum: Primary operating offices
Columbia, S.C. — Colonial Life headquarters
Dorking, Surrey, U.K. — Unum UK division headquarters
Glendale, Calif.
Portland, Maine
Worcester, Mass.
Of those I suspect the only two reasonable to gay people are the ones in Mass and UK.
If, as was very clear in the pro-repeal messages on the major Maine newspapers, our dollars do not mean anything to them, well, fine, let’s not give them any.
Sunday River and Sugarloaf are two very very large ski resorts, formerly among flagships of ASC, yet no gay ski week. Interesting.
This is no different than the strategy used by nations against rogue states with extremist religious extremists using oppression to control a minority.
And if they are as corporations pro-LGBT (which tbh I only find support for that with Hannaford) and are among state’s largest employers i.e. largest tax base, then that’s influence. I’m sorry, that’s common sense.
@TheMaineReason
Obama has done almost nothing for LGBT community. Why expect it now? He did not come out to support on Q 1 and DNC did not even mention it in their mailers. We’re on our own.
We can either sit by and keep saying ‘we can wait another year’ and another Prop 8 to Prop 1 when most likely NJ and NY are already in trouble if not serious trouble or show them we can stand up.
-doug
I was an avid, activist, financial contributor to the same-sex marriage cause. Maine has changed my mind. Idealistically, it might be the right cause. And same-sex marriage will eventually be the law of the land. But state-by-state is the wrong strategy at the wrong time.
(1) We’re psychologically battering our community. Thirty-one (!) gay marriage ballot measures have gone against us. Forget about Arizona – there are same-sex couples in relatively progressive states who were set up to get their hopes up, only to have it all yanked away from them. In some cases, even previously-enacted domestic partnership laws were left in question by marriage ballot beheadings. We must stop setting people up to be devastated!
(2) We spend hundreds of millions of dollars to defend marriage rights passed in court or legislature in progressive states, while same-sex couples in Alabama, Mississippi, or Idaho, have absolutely no protections for their relationships. That money could be better spent procuring domestic partnership rights for people in more conservative areas. Polling shows that most Americans, even in conservative places, support domestic partnership protections.
(3) In places where there are no protections for same-sex relationships, the poor, women, and people of color are disproportionately affected. Rich and middle-class gays can afford the lawyers to craft the legally-sound wills and directives that ensure that one partner will make medical decisions for the other, or that either will have inheritance rights, or that their joint raising of a child will not be invalidated in courts. I know, because I hired a lawyer and did a will protecting my partner and me; and I recently left a southern state where not doing so would have been begging for trouble. Low-income gays can’t do this. So a same-sex couple in Selma, North Carolina, who have no DP protections and no money, is left to the dogs. To the extent that a greater percentage of lesbian couples, or same-sex households of color, are lower-income than their white gay male counterparts, having no rights at all is far more damaging to them. This isn’t to say that denial of marriage isn’t damaging to everyone, even to middle-class or rich gays, but it does say that not having even domestic partnership rights is absolutely devastating to same-sex couples. California and Maine both had domestic partnership protections before their marriage initiatives. Same-sex couples in many areas of Utah or Louisiana have nothing.
(4) It has become clear that a far more likely scenario than winning gay marriage state-by-state, is winning domestic partnerships on a federal, national level. The Obama administration, as well as the Congress and Senate, are poised to do it. For me (and my conscience, and my money) giving same-sex couples in Tennessee even basic legal recognition of their relationships is far more valuable than upgrading a couple’s status in Maine from domestic partnership to marriage.
(5) Getting national domestic partnership rights for couples might increase the numbers of straights who “get it” that gay couples deserve equal rights.
(6) Putting gay marriage on a state ballot makes our gay brothers and sisters in that state wonder who voted against them. Was it family? Neighbors? Friends? This isn’t bringing people together. This is causing suspicion, bitterness, and hurt. Bringing people together is probably the only way we’re going to eventually convince straights that we deserve equality under the law. Telling our personal stories works much better than forcing people to make choices along philosophical lines.
(7) Continuing the same-sex marriage “smack-down” is just emboldening our bigoted foes who will now think they can use their inhumane, despicable tactics in the remaining 19 states in the union.
(8) It took some 160 years between the first state striking down interracial marriage bans, to the Virginia v. Loving 1967 Supreme court decision striking down all such bans. Gay marriage is inevitable – and certainly in much less time than 160 years. But there has to be a more intelligent strategy than battering people psychologically in progressive states while denying people much needed resources and protection in conservative states.
As long as LGBT accept the Christian Bible is true, LGBT never win
@doug:
Boycotting Maine’s largest employers is ridiculous. They are not our enemies. I wasn’t able to get any info for Sunday River or Sugarloaf, but the rest of the companies you listed have pro-LGBT business policies. (Unum and TD Bank also aren’t Maine-based companies, but that’s beside the point.)
Larger businesses tend to favor rights for LGBT people. The people who voted against marriage equality are mostly in rural areas of the state and are likely not working for larger employers.
@randy:
Striking down DOMA would not expand the sphere of marriage equality, it would only expand the scope. Were DOMA repealed or struck down, the people legally married in states where same-sex marriage is legal would then be able to get the Federal benefits as well. The people who live in states where same-sex marriage is not legal would still not be able to get married.
The lessons to learn from Maine are:
* LGBTs aren’t special. We won’t win public votes that other minorities would lose in their times. This is why minority rights should never be put to a majority vote. That’s mob rule.
* All roads to equality pass through the US Supreme Court. Our efforts must be spent in court cases against Prop 8 and DOMA, at the US Supreme Court.
This is a good lesson. We only have to move 2 to 3 percentage points of the population to win. This was not a blow out!! It was very close!! What we need to do is change the hearts of people.
Yes on 1 lied to get their way.
And we should steal that trick
Inspiring! community is right, we do a lot of bitching but we suck at supporting gay events or gay causes. I feel all proud of myself, because I engaged a total stranger on the bus about there stance on gay issues.
I couln’t help but over here two men in discussion, and one mentioned “But we know god made Adam and Eve, not Adam and steve…” I sighed and rolled my eyes. They never make up anything original.
Then I introduced myself and told them why I disagreed with them. We had a long drawn out talk and his points made no sense of course, but our discussion wasn’t why i’m proud.
Another guy on sitting near us over heard us and asked what we were speaking about. When I told him, he added” well theres gay animals so that says something”. Besides him, others must have heard becasue I saw somep people shaking there heads or nodding in agreement. It just takes someone to speak up so others can hear and be inspired or at least think about it.
Becasue I was bold enough to say something, I vary well may have help that curious guy who was probably gay be a little more bold himself the next time around. Now im pissed because I missed an oppurtunity to talk to a cute guy on the bus becasue I was too busy arguing LOL.
Boycott of Maine tourism and major businesses (Sunday River, Sugarloaf, TD Bank, Hannaford, LL Bean, Unum) would send a huge shot across the bow. Instead of ‘oh darn, let’s try again in a year’ like always which has seldom worked out well an effective boycott of Maine’s largest employers and tourism industry would have a very large impact as it is not a wealthy state. FYI – the hate went both ways, I saw lots of comments like ‘we don’t need your gay money’ — well let’s take them up on the offer and see how they feel after LLBean has to lay people off, Sugarloaf and Sunday River lose skier visits, etc.
We should organize a pink flu. A nationwide strike. Boycott businesses that support hate.
Collectively we have a fairly big purse. Lets use it.
Equality Across America has the infrastructure to organize something like this if they had the will.
What is it going to take for our government to step in and accept that civil rights should NEVER be put to a vote? No majority will ever vote to give a minority additional civil rights.
I have an aunt and uncle with 8 children (yes, Catholic). Three of the boys are gay. Yet my aunt still feels that deep down, God doesn’t view same-sex marriage as equal to breeder-marriage. One of her sons, an attorney, was dibarred because he knowingly participated in a marriage of convenience for his foreign partner to a lesbian so that the partner could remain in the country. My aunt still believes that marriage equality is wrong. How do we compete with that? Everything about my aunt’s circumstances point to her being able to come to our way of thinking, and yet, she still can’t do it. I’m sad for her, and for her son, who now lives in Peru with his partner.
The only lesson to learn here is that if you put this up to a vote to the majority of people..it will loose! Lies work, and being honest doesnt win it come to the ballot box! I can just imagine how my fellow Maine friends feel. So sad!