Yes it is possible to have monogamy. Is this trying to mirror the hetero community? Actually, no. I don’t share, neither does my husband. We are both very ‘jealous’ types and have no desire to infringe on our relationship with flippant outside sex. We don’t need, require or want it. We certainly don’t play well with others. We are contented home-bodies. We don’t go to bars, clubs or other ‘community’ events, except Pride (which I work at for my County job). We aren’t really in positions of temptation, come to think on it. And we are completely happy.

It is well and good for others to need extra stimulation in their lives from outside sources. We find we don’t need or want it. Is this saying we are hetero-wannabes? No. Does this mean we aren’t gay? I certainly suck dick with the best of us. We honestly don’t care what anyone else is doing and we sure as hell don’t want anyone in our business. Just make sure all applicable rights and responsibilities are equal for all.

Live your life as you must and we will do the same. And if my husband (or I, for that matter) decides to venture outside of the relationship, it is because he (I) feel(s) it is over between us and time to move on. So, regardless of amount of time, it shall be. No matter what someone else might think of throwing away all those years. That is for us to decide, not some outside party. The time isn’t wasted. It WILL be wasted if we continue together when we finally shouldn’t, just for the sake of years already gone.

And please someone read/listen to footwork61 if both or multiple partners don’t understand, the relationship it has a greater chance of fail, along of course with everything else that goes into a relationship, but that is besides the point.

Even if we cut off our feet to do so?

“[Y]our stance smacks of intolerance for the
genuine experience of other gay men and
women who are in your community”

Sorry, Cody, but when I see people sabotaging themselves by unthinkingly adopting expectations that aren’t appropriate for them, I’m going to call them on it, “solidarity” be damned.

I’ve just watched a wonderful relationship that had gone on for over ten years break up because of this silly fetish for monotony—I mean, monogamy. Despite have gone through a big civil union ceremony and, when the law changed, a marriage, they broke up because they couldn’t deal with some unimportant dalliances they had (first one, then the other). Stupid, stupid, stupid. If you feel insecure because your partner may occasionally want to get it on with someone else, that’s an issue for therapy, not the divorce court.

If I prevent even one person from locking himself or his partner (I won’t speak for women) into an arrangement that ultimately will blow up in his face, I’ve achieved my purpose here. But the people who want to win acceptance by aping straights I can’t help.

And again, your stance smacks of intolerance for the genuine experience of other gay men and women who are in your community. Mocking the values of those you stand with is every bit as problematic as those who oppose us mocking our relationships.

That’s the nub of the problem. We’re not heterosexuals. And what works for them won’t necessarily work for us. (These days it’s not working too well for them either, but that’s another debate.)

So long as marriage exists as a legally privileged state, we have every right to demand inclusion in the institution. BUT, we should make sure to redefine the expectations to suit ourselves, and do so unapologetically. Too many people are making the mistake of setting themselves up for failure by unthinkingly adopting the values heterosexuals have traditionally held. Then, when things don’t work out, they blame themselves or (more likely) their partners, instead of the straitjacket of expectations they locked themselves into.

Monogamy and (gag me!) “fidelity” are irrelevant to a good gay relationship—and I say that as someone who’s been in one for almost 34 years. What matters is what you do for each other: the love, the companionship, the empathy, the feeling of going through life together. Don’t throw that away because a partner may need to play the field from time to time (or because you do). It’s so trivial it isn’t worth thinking about, much less throwing a huge hissy fit and abandoning an otherwise perfectly satisfying relationship. If you’re stupid enough to do that, don’t come crying to me!

Wow, such harsh judgment for someone I presume you don’t even know. It sounds like you’re saying that a person has no right to determine what kind of a relationship he or she has with his or her partner(s).

It’s up to the people in a relationship to negotiate the terms of it. For some, that may mean a huge degree of openness and wide latitude in outside activities. For others it may mean complete and committed monogamy. For most in my circle of acquaintances it is somewhere in between. The most important thing is that both/all people have the same expectation of what their relationship should look like.

The problem comes when one partner believes and behaves as if he is in one type of relationship, and the other believes and/or behaves as if he is in a different kind of relationship. That’s why communication is so important. If one person wants to change the terms of the deal, he can’t do it unilaterally. It must be a mutual decision. If the two can’t seem to find common ground on the monogamy/polygamy scale, then perhaps the relationship should come to an end.

If you’re saying instead that a person should not be too quick to trash an otherwise good relationship over an indiscretion, then I agree with you completely.

If we are a powerful diverse community — as we claim we are — we should be able to respect and support all the ways one can be in a gay relationship.